22 years old, only child, horrible relationship with widowed mother....please help.

**belleisangelic** · 08-06-2010 05:03 PM

this post will be pretty lengthy..but I really need an ear, some advice from those older than me that can help me better communicate with my mother, I'm going to share very personal information and I'm hoping people can be understanding of my situation, to better understand how to help.

let me give you some background,

I'm a 22 year old African American woman, senior at my state university and an only child. my father passed away from lung cancer when I was 7 years old, my mom had one other boyfriend and then met a man she married when I was 16, I loved him dearly.... he passed away in 2008 from the stresses of life that got to him in the worst way.

well, now it's back to being me and my mother again and for some reason, our relationship is dwindling and declining every single day, we have decent moments, but when times are bad..they are really, really bad. I recently took a trip to Japan for 4 months ( I'm majoring in Sociology and Japanese Language and Liturature) for study abroad, and this was the best 4 months of my life, however, since I was so sheltered as a child, it was a huge step for me and I let the freedom get the best of me. I thought this trip would strengthen me and my mothers relationship because of our time apart, but it seemed to have made things worse. My mother constantly hounded me for not contacting her enough, and when she saw a photo of me on facebook I was unaware of ( I wasn't even tagged nor was the photo on my profile) in a...rather comprimising nature..( I was kissing a guy in a skimpy outfit at a party), she went balistic and threw out insults, calling me a , a weirdo and a freak because of the nature of the photos, and saying how she regrets allowing me to go to Japan. I also lost my virginity in Japan to a boyfriend I'd met just 3 weeks after my arrival to Japan..and she was disapointed about that..but I don't regret it.

anyway, upon my return in April of this year, things seemed to change for the worse. I stopped communicating with her about things that were happening in my life, as I was still very embarassed about what happened with the facebook incident that I knew she'd never forgive me for.

then, the arguments started coming up out of nowhere, she hounded me for not being proactive about looking for a job, an untidy room, not losing weight, being out after sundown..anything she could possibly think of to scream at me about, she did in the worst way....calling me names like the b word, , obese, retarded, weird, freak....these all hurt me very bad, and made me want to talk to her even less.

in July, me and my family took a trip to Hawaii which is where it got really bad. I tried to avoid getting a room with her but I couldn't. I even tried to avoid sitting with her on the plane..she sat right behind me..I just couldn't get a breathing moment. Anyway, in Hawaii, I talked to my cousins that are also only children but much older than me, living on their own with their own families and asked them how they coped with their mothers. My mother noticed that I was confiding in my cousins and became very angry, saying that i was ' playing the victim' and bad-mouthing her to ' her family' making her seem like the bad guy, but that wasn't the case at all. The scream sessions began and the name calling..and the entire trip was just miserable for me..because I was in her clutches.

we tried to have a talk with my older cousin who goes through the same thing with his mom from time to time, but it didn't really work. she continued to scream at me and embarrass me, she even told my cousins about the facebook photo. We then decided that things will only get better with distance, and I must move out when I can. But that's the problem, I can't..not right now anyway. I'm going back to school on August 30th and will expect to graduate in May of next year...I'm currently working an internship...but I don't feel ready to move out at all. I don't have the financial consistency that I need to ensure that once I move out, I don't come back. There are still many things I have to learn about the real world ( insurance, rent, health bills, paying taxes) and I want my mother to be there for me, but it's so difficult to even speak to her..that I don't know where to turn.

I've also been in a relationship with a Hispanic guy since my return in April ( the 28th to be exact) that was raised in Europe. My mother is....I guess you can say Afro Centric and she prefers him be black..but that wont change any time soon. She doesn't like his style of dress, constantly comments on his speech style ( she says he dresses like a gay guy, and talks like a woman). but that's what I love about him, his shoulder length hair, his snug jeans and button down shirts..and his voice lulls me to sleep at night...I just wish my mother would stop looking at the exterior and really see how great of a guy he is...he hates that I lost my virginity in Japan.

I've written enough I think, I just want to know how I can be a better communicator to my mother, she claims I constantly whine and raise my voice at her when she confronts me, play word games and act dumb around her and talk back to her in a smart allic way. she explodes at me when I cry, even though her words hurt me and has even threatened to get into a physical confrontation with me, because she feels that I push her buttons so much, when I'm just trying to defend myself..to the point where she wants to settle it with fists...it's ridiculous. I don't know what to say to her that will make her more understanding of who I am, and how we can live together peacefully for the time being until I'm ready to move out on my own.

she claims it's because I think I"m " grown" and are trying to rebel and be a ' smart allic' when she's trying to help..but..calling your daughter's boyfriend the f-word while he's not around, and calling me a B to my face and screaming insults at me when things aren't right..is supposed to help me?

please..help.

**Little.Chuck** · 08-07-2010 10:41 AM

Maybe you need to have a long talk with your mother and tell her that you dont think you are ''all grown'' you know you are. You are 22 years old. You are very much an adult, which means you are very much in control of your own life. It is down to you to make decisions about how you act. Maybe your mum wont see you as ''grown'' until you move out. Regardless of whether she is your mother or not, she has NO right to embarrass you, scream at you and threaten to physically harm you. NO ONE has the right to physically harm you and humiliate you. Has she always been like this or is she normally a responsible mum? Maybe you could persuade her to go to mother-daughter relationship counselling with you?

**belleisangelic** · 08-07-2010 12:31 PM

well, she used to actually hit me if we got into an altercation and I ' talked back' to her, she would slap me or hit me in the arm. I guess now that I"m older she has to hold back, but now she's escalated it into actual fist fighting which I think is absurd.

**Little.Chuck** · 08-07-2010 01:15 PM

I cant beleive your mother would want to hurt you like that. Did you have a good relationship when you were younger? Did anything happen to change that? Do you think your mum could have a mental disorder, no matter how slight? Was she brought up with the same treatment as she is now using with you? What do you do when she becomes physically violent?

Its hard to understand the situation completely. Im unsure of whether your mum knows that her treatment of you is so wrong, or if she thinks its acceptable. She cant go on treating you like this. Its physical and emotional abuse and its unfair. I would suggest you sit down with her and have a calm conversation to try to reconcile, but it doesnt sound as if that would happen on her part. Could you move out and stay with a close relative, until you go away again in August? Maybe an Aunt? Then at least you could have the conversation over the phone. She cant thump you through a phone. If she hangs up, she hangs up.

**Olympia** · 08-07-2010 02:24 PM

I agree with Little.Chuck..
IMO, verbal and physical abuse should not be a 'Solution to the situation'. Mutual respect is needed!
I would, however, sit down and have a conversation with her. Ask her about how she was raised, (what were you like at my age) Listen and ask questions.... It may give you a better understanding of her. What music, trends, activities, and friends...etc. To identify what her world was like and then look at yours..
However, i gained a bit more respect of my caregivers after i moved out. I was ready in mind and body, but the financial end was tight. I do not regret it at all. And they did treat me more as an equal after i was out of the house. As stated, we had a mutual respect for each other. I hope all works out for you and mom.

**belleisangelic** · 08-07-2010 02:34 PM

I guess i'm referring to the times when I was very young and ' getting into things' and she would..discipline me that way. if she yelled at me and I ' talked back' I would get a slap in the mouth or even a full fledged whipping. but now that I'm older..it's more of a ' make you feel like about yourself for doing what you do' kinda discipline.

we have our good moments together..and when they're good..it's really nice. it just seems that when bad times come up ..say once or twice a month..they are horrible.

I have suggested counseling, because after my father died, I wanted us to learn how we could cope together but she stopped going on her own, and didn't want to go with me..so I just don't know how it would work out.

she apologized for calling me out of my name a number of times, but always says " I still stand by what I said about you being a disrespectful child"...so...nothing is really solved and the respect is never really mutual....it's so discouraging.

**Little.Chuck** · 08-07-2010 02:44 PM

The fact that she tells you she is sorry and then carries on to tell she that she stands by what she said, tells me she knows what she is doing is wrong, but does not want to admit it to you. Does she have any stress in her life, ie, work, that could be making her frustrated? If so, she could be using you to release that frustration. Maybe you could ask her if something is stressing her out, and then try to be there for her. You need to tell her how much her treatment is hurting you, physically and emotionally.

**Magnetism** · 08-07-2010 02:47 PM

I'm sorry belle that you have to go through that with your mom. The sad part is that moms like that don't take responsibility for what they're doing. There's a reason to justify it (I'm trying to help you, etc), and it can make the person on the other receiving end feel crazy! But, you have every right to feel what you feel. Who wouldn't get upset at being insulted and screamed at by your mom?

As someone with a difficult mom myself, of course there will be good times. Abusive people go through the "Be nice, be mean, be nice, be mean" cycle. It's not black and white.

I'm not sure if counseling would work out. Difficult moms can present themselves VERY WELL in counseling sessions. I've found that counseling for myself on learning how to deal with her has helped.

**Little.Chuck** · 08-07-2010 03:07 PM

I agree with PaneraBread. I dont think she would act the same in a counselling session. She would likely make you out to be the bad one like she did on your family holiday to Hawaii. Maybe you should write her a long letter before you go away again in August. Tell her about how you feel. Tell her it needs to stop. Tell her that she cannot just write your feelings off as silly either. Make sure she takes them seriously. Tell her, if she does not listen to what you have said to her, if she continues to abuse you and make you feel like she does, you will begin to sever ties with her. You will move out and contact her less. If after that she continues to act the way she does, maybe you should keep contact with her to a minimum. You really need to look after number one in this situation.

**belleisangelic** · 08-07-2010 04:22 PM

I agree, I think she knows what she does hurts me, so she picks and probes as much as she can to try and get a ' rise' out of me...or get me to the point where I flip and she has a reason to do something drastic.

I hate this so much, I can't trust the good times at all and everyday I fear for the bad times...like I"m walking on eggshells all the time. However, i'm not the perfect daughter, I've made mistakes in my life and told lies that I regret as a 13 year old kid, but I know that i'm not doing anything completely wrong to make her so angry.

I know she has stresses at work, and works long hours sometimes. Also, my stepfather passed just last year..so I guess we are still in the process of grieving so that could be a reason.
I try to keep my distance..but that makes her angry like I'm ' keeping secrets' and if I get too close..she attacks me...I give up.