Thread: Unhappy relationship with older brother

Hey, everyone! I'm going to try to explain this as honestly as I can, even if it might give you all a bad impression of me. I'm hoping for some sincere advise. Thanks in advance

For some backstory, I'm 19. My brother is 23. We've never been especially close siblings, but it seems in the last few years things have gotten extremely sour between us. He's always had low self-esteem, but lost weight awhile ago... around the same time he picked up smoking (a co-worker randomly offered a cigarette to him, and he just agreed to it, since "I was stressed out". Wonderful problem solving and coping skills, indeed!), and began experimenting with drugs. I know that he use to, and might still actively use, marijuana/weed, but he also 'tried out' things like LSD/acid a "few times". These are all things that I absolutely cannot respect. Drug usage disgusts me, and I found his mindless caving in to peer-pressure to be equally pathetic. Not to mention his often uncomfortable habit of downing an entire 24-pack of beer in one sitting, by himself... Simply gross.

I feel like he might do these activities for the sake of fitting in, and feeling 'more manly', and in control... kind of like how he went from listening to soft rock music to hardcore rap, because "They know whatsup". Infact, his entire speech/slang changed, and with it so did his attitude towards women, and people in general. He's a very pessimistic person. The kind of person who can't have anything good to say whenever he opens his mouth. You can't listen to any kind of music or any movie without him talking about drugs, or making subtle statements about women as though they're only good for their bodies and nothing else. Saying, "She's a . She's totally making him -whipped"... etc. He's only been in one real relationship in his life (his other interactions with girls being one night stands or exchanges of sexual favors that he used to brag about) with a girl who had a lot of problems. She strung him along, probably reinforcing his ill-feelings towards girls initially, and as far as I know- their relationship mainly consisted of sex and smoking weed together while she dumped her problems out on him. It seems as though my brother finds anyone who is really suffering through things and not handling them well to be worldly and wise, and often downs me for not being as "experienced" as he is. I feel he likes people to think he is victimized because of experiences that he has willingly put himself in.

But these things aside- it is his lying, manipulative nature that really gets to me. He is extremely secretive, and never confides in us about ANYTHING. His ex-girlfriend actually was pregnant for FOUR MONTHS, and had a miscarriage, and he didn't tell us until nearly a year later... when he was drunk. Lovely. I mean, I know my family isn't the most stable one in the world, but this is inexcusable to me. Also, despite living under my parents' roof and relying on them, he feels like it is perfectly acceptable to lie to their faces about his bills/lifestyle/etc. He does this to me also. He also steals my possessions regularly- electronics, money, food, you name it. He steals it. And then he lies to me about it. He never even admits the truth even after he's cornered. He just replaces it, and that makes it "A-OK" in my parents' eyes. My Dad is an avoidant person who doesn't like conflict, so he hardly ever approaches my brother about his wrong-doings. My Mom, however, is very active in telling me that I should just forgive my brother, despite the fact that he never apologises or changes his actions! The one time that I did confront him (he'd stolen my money to go to an amusement park, even though he knew I was going out of town the next day, and that I needed the money)... he got extremely mad, and punched me in the arm. He seems to react this way more frequently then he's willing to admit. Once, when I went into his room to retrieve my IPOD that he'd taken without my permission, he woke up, and grabbed my hair- tugging it so hard that some of it came out, and punched me in the stomach. When I reacted, trying to defend myself, my Dad came in the room to tell me that I had "no right" to wake my brother up. Am I the only one who feels like no one is defending me here?

I finally couldn't take it after that, and called it quits with my brother. Despite this, we're forced to live with one another. The only real interaction we have is when I have to confront him about his CONTINUED theft of my belongings. I get so angry that I yell at my Mom about him, because I just don't understand at all why no one will stand up for me! My Mom always says: "You shouldn't be mean to your brother and say nasty things. It hurts his feelings." But why should I care when he NEVER considers anyone else's feelings but his own? It is WHATEVER he needs, that's what he'll do- taking care of #1 at the expense of everyone else. He says, with a shrug, 'I like to handle things on my own'... but it's ridiculous to think that's a legit excuse when he lives with Mom and Dad, and constantly 'handles his own' by stealing from me and not apologising! It is as though he thinks he is entitled to act the way he does. Mom says: "You should just forgive him. We're all equal sinners in God's eyes. Like, you, you have sex before marriage." And that OUTRAGES me, because it feels like such a cop-out excuse for her favoritism! I don't understand how me, being legal, and in a loving relationship with my boyfriend... equals his lies, thievery, and frankly- his abuse. I'd like for someone to answer this for me, because I do not understand.

My Mom has always been very hard on me. I think, because her Mom was also very hard on her. She's constantly pushed me: Wear makeup, style your hair like this, make these friends (she always insults my friends), wear these clothes, don't say what you really think or feel or people will hate you, and acts like I am a huge burden to everyone no matter what I try. It is very frustrating. And then, whenever I speak up about my feelings, she says that I have a mood disorder! If this is not completely invalidating me as a person, I'm not sure what is. It's very hurtful when she says that. It is like... no matter what my brother does, we're supposed to just accept it, because "he's going through a tough time right now". When is he not going through a SELF-INFLICTED 'tough time'!?

I feel he also resents me for actively going to college (he dropped out after trying twice), and having a successful romantic relationship. I just don't know what to do. I want to abandon and forgo any relations with my brother, but I also don't know how to deal with the backlash I would recieve from my mother (we've always had a tough relationship), or how to even have her consider my feelings at all in this situation... and how do I keep him from stealing my belongings when he feels entitled to take them? Please help!

Sorry that this is so long. I had to get it off my chest.