Letting go of a family that doesn't want you

**Amalthea** · 08-12-2010 09:51 PM

Hey guys, its been a while since I posted on here...

Pretty much forever my relationship with my family hasn't been good. My mom and I have always butted heads. I get along fine with my dad, but my brother and I fought a lot when we were kids and now we just don't talk. It seems that my older brother was always favored in our family and I wasn't the only one to notice it. Regardless, we both grew up, moved out and went on with our lives.

He went through his party years, settled down, and now has a very good job and got engaged to be married. I took a somewhat... different path. Well, I made choices my parents didn't agree with, got into an abusive relationship and needed help from my family getting out. Afterward I moved to another state and now rarely see my family.

Still, as a rule I tried to make it home for holidays- I e-mail and call once in a while although my dad complains that I never call, neither does he... When I do call we don't have much to talk about, I tryto keep the conversations positive, talk about pets, the weather. We just don't have anything in common anymore.

Recently I went out with friends and talked quite a bit with a guy that was having problems with his mother. I sympathized with him and told him my family problems, explaining that they never contacted me. Except my birthday and Christmas, and it seemed more like a chore. He understood, and as gently as possible tried to explain to me, it wasn't personal but they just don't want to be associated with me. Talking to me is kind of a "task" to them, especially my brother and he didn't mean any harm to me but every time he thinks of me he thinks of all the problems I have. The friend wasn't malicious, he just explained that he understood how my brother felt, and he really didn't mean any harm.

Well I don't want to be a burden to anyone. My brother isn't squeaky clean either, he is a recovered alcoholic and a few years ago he got a DUI that I don't think my parents know about... but it doesn't matter. I'm the black sheep. I'm the one that they try not to think about. I'm probably not going to try to fly home for the holidays this year. I'm planning to leave them alone and just be polite if they contact me.

But I've been depressed over this for a few weeks now. I've TRIED to reach out to them, I've TRIED to fit in. Maybe I could try harder but I just think that would be overkill. I don't want to be fake. If they want to pretend I'm not part of the family they can but how do I stop beating myself up emotionally?

I feel like I am a mistake when it comes to my family. Maybe I am. Please don't tell me to try harder, I already feel like I've opened myself up only to be rejected. I don't even like going back to visit and I don't want to intrude on them anymore. How do I let go?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-13-2010 10:08 AM

I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling. I can see it in your post that this is not just someone disgruntled with their family, you are genuinely hurt by this.

I don't think you need to fous on letting go. I'm not totally convinced there's reason to just "let go" of your family. And it seems like you're focusing on the past, the things you've done wrong....looking for reasons for them not to like you. But maybe they're not even thinking about these things? Parent/child relationships typically don't work that way. They're the ones that will love you no matter how much they dislike your choices. Try to make yourself quit feeling like you have to earn that love.

Are you expecting more from them than you're giving? This is something I want you to really think about. Let's forget the past and look at now. You live in another state, so obviously they are not expecting to see you too often. Have you invited them to visit? It's quite likely that they just stepped back to let you have your own life figuring you didn't want them super involved (as many young peoeple don't want their parents involved in their lives) and are just letting you take the reigns so to speak. Your dad complaining that you don't call him enough makes me think this is the case even more.

So your mom and dad bicker..... now that you're an adult this has little to do with your relationship with them. Your brother is getting married and has a good job.... this also has nothing to do with your relationship with your parents. It is only a factor because you're using it as a defense mechanism....as an excuse for why they must not love you.

Forgive yourself for things that have gone wrong in your past. They do not make you who you are. Right now, you are who you choose to be, you're empowered to make that decision.

Maybe it's time to have a talk with mom and dad, maybe a phone call, or a nice card in the mail telling them you miss them in your life and would love it if you BOTH could start making more of an effort to be in each others lives. They may be totally tickeled to hear this. You never know what someone else is feeling or what their reasoning behind their actions is. If you consider this me telling you to "try harder", I'm sorry.

On the contrary, if letting go of your family is truly what you WANT...... then cease communication. Don't call, don't go home on holidays, etc. I can't imagine that this is really what you want....but like I said, you're empowered to do what you want.....and if that's what you want, then do it.

**Amalthea** · 08-14-2010 06:18 AM

WOW. Your words actually helped me. Its a relief I don't have to cut myself off because I don't want to. It was making me depressed every day.

Really, I just want them to know I'm ok and I didn't turn out so bad. In a perfect world I'd be just as perfect as my brother, but I'm not and there's not much I can do about it now. I have to live my life. It helps to know that even though they're hurt by my decisions, they don't necessarily reject me. They're just people too and maybe they don't understand why I am who I am.

Doesn't mean they don't love me. I still love them at least. I don't want to let go. It was breaking my heart. Thanks for helping me. I don't know if I'll be reaching out more than normal but I'll respond if they try to contact me. Thank you again.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-14-2010 08:28 AM

They're just people too and maybe they don't understand why I am who I am.

That's very true. Sometimes it's easy to forget that are parents are people too...much more than just our parents, but true human beings who have emotions, feelings, insecurities, depression, excitement, etc.....just like us.

I'm glad you realize you don't have to let go of your family. A better thing to let go of is your past and your feelings of inadequacy to your brother.

And sometimes, we expect people to know how we feel, to understand whats going on in our minds. In reality, they may have no idea how hurt or upset you are. That's not fair to them...or to you.

Best of luck my friend.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-14-2010 07:16 PM

It's funny, how we see things.

My parents were also more protective towards me, and my brother got away with everything...

My parents wrapped me in cotton wool, wouldn't let me breathe.

It took until I was 25 years of age to talk to my Mother (having left home at 16) and her me, where it was evident, that they knew no better, were worried because I was a girl.

I felt I was Daddy's girl, and Mum didn't like it... but you know at the end of the day when we spoke about it all, we both forgave each other and I could see alot of me was in her, alot of her dreams for herself she never had, she tried to live through me, ultimately however, both are very proud and yes, I also went a little astray as you do

I also resented my Brother, thinking they loved him more but it was through fear that I would be raped, killed, what ever, that made them the way they were, non-equal.

You have to have a talk, when your ready.. You be proud of yourself.. and let them know that as well...

Parents have a tough job and it's hard to get it right..

CW

**jns** · 08-14-2010 07:22 PM

Amalthea, ask your father about his health and tell him some about yours, but not in extreme detail unless asked. I always ask about my parents health when talking to them and also sometimes inquire with friends.