I think my son is gay

**Seniora** · 08-26-2010 07:29 PM

I sound like a drama queen having just joined the forum with 2 immediate problems!! But I need advice, particularly from parents. My son is a professional and is nearly 29. He has never had a girlfriend and I'm certain he's gay. Neither my husband nor my 2 other sons can deal with homosexuality, but my daughter can - though she doesn't want the "responsibility" of it. I want to talk to my son - he must know me well enough to know I'm extremely tolerant and accepting - but a friend recently told me it took her son 2 hours of cross-examination (by her) before he admitted the truth. The real fear I have is my son's isolation and all the depression issues that come with closeted gays. Can somebody please help? What should I do?

**p3375** · 08-29-2010 03:04 AM

Seniora:
Sounds like you want to give your son love and support, and that's wonderful. Tolerance and acceptance will take you a long way - just being open and 'there' for him will mean a lot. Telling mom and dad that one is gay can be terrifying for a person. I'd say just be patient, let him work out the time and place to talk about it for himself. In the mean time, do a bit of research. Check out the website for PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). A bit of time spent there will help you understand your son better, maybe know how to help him deal with things and also be a big comfort to you.
Hope this helps. I do know it is hard for a mom.
Pat

**Seniora** · 08-29-2010 06:54 AM

Thanks for that very good information about PFlag - I'll go straight to it. My primary concern is my son's mental state and whether he suffers depression. I know a lot of gays suicide because of their fears - that is my main one!! He's away at our beach house as we speak "with a mate" and my husband is STILL in denial - my son is 29!! I just want this out in the open so we can all get on with our lives and so my son can be happy. He has a high pressure career in politics and we seldom see or hear from him, though he only lives 160k away in our capital city. I feel this is part of the avoidance. But I have thought he was gay since he was 19!!! I don't care at all about whether he's gay/bi/hetero/black/white or brindle - he's my son and that's all that matters, and his happiness.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-29-2010 07:05 AM

What if your wrong?

What if he's shy, career minded and hasn't found what he's looking for, and has a feminine side?

That also is possible... I was 36 before I married and man did I get it wrong, work a holic, only to find right this time round

Just start getting to know him, closer in your life, open... He will speak knowing he has an open person to listen to and if that be it, so be it... We are who we are..

CW

**Seniora** · 08-30-2010 04:23 PM

I certainly take your point about the career minded thing, but my son hasn't had a girlfriend (well, one that he's ever spoken of or any of us have ever met) since he was 18 and she dropped him!! I've seen him at weddings etc. and he displays no interest in women - no eye contact, sparkle, enthusiasm. I'm afraid it's very obvious - and another son has said he thought for years his brother is gay. No, he's become estranged from us and virtually only phones about 3 times a year - and I think this is the reason. During our recent election campaign in Australia he has been working horrendous hours and contacted us once - he sounded tired and "down". When I asked if all was OK naturally he said nothing. So, its the mood and isolation which worry me. As time goes on I fear it will be worse for him. But, as a friend recently said, her son only admitted to being gay (to her) after 2 hours of straight "interrogation". I don't want to do that!!

**Texinator** · 08-30-2010 08:07 PM

Maybe he's suffering from depression, and that's part of the reason he's not interested in a relationship right now?

**WildChild** · 08-30-2010 08:47 PM

Do your research but maybe it would be best not to push him, just work at establishing regular contact and sending consistant messages of your loving care. Let him know that you love him and support his choices no matter what.

**Mes T** · 08-30-2010 09:11 PM

I don't think you're ever going to have to "interrogate" him like your friend did. My personal opinion is that a simple yet direct approach might be best. Warmly tell him that you love him and want to be a bigger part of his life, and then ask him if he's gay. I think if you try to go around it in a more subtle manner, he may catch on to what you're getting at but the process might stress him out, the longer it's drawn out. I'm sure he's painfully aware of your husband and other sons' opinion on homosexuality and probably doesn't know that you feel differently, that he can confide in you.

So, I think a succinct and loving and to the point approach is best. Otherwise he might just fight against it.

This is just my personal opinion, and it's a way that I'd want my parents to behave in a similar situation.

**Seniora** · 08-30-2010 11:51 PM

Thank you Mes, very much. This is an intelligent response to the problem. My eldest son, 34, is very homophobic but I'm sure the (gay) son in question knows I am not one bit (I have a gay sister). We've talked about other people who are gay and he knows I'm very liberal in my thinking. He fears my other significant males in the family (3). I've tried to broach the subject with the eldest when he said, "it's time for him to get a girlfriend". On that occasion I said, "look at me....he isn't interested in women", and he went straight into denial - but this is about HIM, not my (gay) son - whom it should be about. I'm going to make an appointment to take him out for a meal before I leave for Europe for a year in January. Then I'll pluck up the courage to bring this up - I don't want him living this secret life any longer; it can't be good for him and I know it's dreadful for me.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-03-2010 01:33 PM

Tough situation. I think I'd try to look at it as you and him and leave the other males out of it. If he is gay, and they choose to disown him.......... better than having to live a life your entire life and never being able to express who you truly are in fear of rejection, right? I'd think if my brothers would disown me for my sexual preference, I'd be just fine in my life without them...sad as it may seem.

I'm of the mind that it's truly no ones business who he sexually prefers, as long as he is comfortable in his skin. It sounds like that is genuinely your concern because you want him to be happy and be able to be open with you. You're obviously an awesome mom.

Does he seem happy in life otherwise? I mean, other than the fact he's not got girlfriends? I know men that have never married or had relationships with women, that are alone because they're anal, picky, career oriented, self absorbed, etc. Not because they're gay. But I do think a mom knows....and you feel certain of it, so it's probably so.

Be prepared when you talk with him about this, that he himself may not be ready to admit to it. And if he's not...be fine with it. Just tell him that you just wanted him to know that regardless, it makes no difference to you. And then go on about your business.

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