SIN lives with us

**aljs** · 08-27-2010 10:45 AM

My sister in law that we haven't seen in over 11 years is back in our lives and it is turning our lives up side down. She contacted my husband and told him she was having some problems (financially and in an abusive relationship and she is sick) so we took her and her 3 kids into our home.
Her kids are very disrespectful, do not have any manners and will not follow any of the house rules. She likes to sleep and leave the kids to being someone else's responsibility and I feel she has lied to us about the position she was in, including being sick.
We caught her in a big lie that she tried to deny until my husband showed her proof. Now he asks me to give her another chance. I don't know if I can or want to. At the same time she has 3 kids so how can I not?
I don't know what to do?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-27-2010 05:18 PM

aljs

I think that when we offer the extended hand to a family member, there has to be boundries, rules set out, such as time phrame, house rules, so everyone is clear.

Your husband obviously has made his point to her about lying, and now wants to see if she can work on herself to change. I guess that he needs to do that, for closure, see if he can help and if not, then so be it..

I'd give her another go, but I'd sit her down at the table and explain, the 1) love you both have for her and her children, and 2) the rules, in how you all live and assistance you need from her, in that, so that you can all live together and 3) a time phrame and what you can do or can't do to assist her, move on with her life in finding somewhere else for them to live. Naturally, you can't all live under the same roof for an extended period of time.

Tell her that you want it to all work out and your both there for her, but also tell her that in addition, she needs to explain to her children that they are living in someone elses home and need to help out and respect the house rules, as your having a bit of trouble there.

If he wants to give her a chance, she needs to respect it...

CW

**jns** · 08-27-2010 07:36 PM

I would extend CW's advice by saying that you should also talk with your husband separately and have him understand that you are doing this as a favor to him and that he will have to back you in enforcing the rules. Your rules will be challenged, it's up to you and your husband to create an environment where you can all get along.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-28-2010 09:32 AM

I think its awesome of you that you have such a good heart that you want to make sure her kids are taken care of, there are things you can do to help that don't involve her taking advantage of you or wreaking havoc in your lives. Take her down to your local social services department and have her apply for any aid that she is eligable for, low-income housing, food stamps, work programs that help her find a job and daycare etc..

You can guide her through that process so that you are not just dumping her out on the curb homeless with her kids... but so that you are not constantly enabling her where she has no drive to do things herself.

Give her a timeline for when she needs to be into her own place, that if she is to continue to stay with you guys the first thing she needs to do is get a job. If she is incapable due to health... then she needs to go to a doctor and apply to be placed on some sort of dissability. When she has money coming in from a job or benefits give her a timeline for getting a place. Obviously she will need to save a tiny bit but as soon as she's good to go she's good to go.

I think if you don't set bounderies and guidlines ... she may never leave or get out of bed. Set conditions for them to stay in your home such as chores, helping out with the house, etc. Its bad enough that she's putting you out for a place to live... but its insult to injury when you are forced to watch out for her kids cause she won't get out of bed. If she is going through a depression she needs to get some help for that.

**aljs** · 08-28-2010 02:15 PM

She is already on assistance and this month we were supposed to get her on track with saving for her own place, but in the 3 days she had her money she blew it!
There is no reason she can't work, I believe she choses not to.
She had told us she had some sort of cancer, but I have good reason and proof not to believe her. She knows that I struggled after my father passes away with cancer, so right now I am having a lot of difficulty with this entire situation.
I have thought about everyone's suggestions and i think for my husband and the kids I will try to help a bit more. I have made up schedules which my children and I live by and I will present them to her and set a move out date for her as well.
Thank you to all for your comments / suggestions.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-28-2010 11:28 PM

These kids may be unruly but there is hope for them yet... I mean, look at their mother... thats the person thats been raising them and where they have gotten their life lessons from so far... so that should explain their behavior. Kids misbehave most when there is chaos in their life. When they don't know what to expect, instability. Right now they are essentially homeless and their mom barely pays them any mind and for a lot of kids it can cause them to be tougher, more callous, more disrespectful... etc. They probably don't feel so safe or sure of whats going to happen in the future, kids need that to thrive.

Since she is on assitance and likely medicaid... perhaps there is some way to get those children into counseling/behavioral management... I don't know their ages, but if you fear for their well-being when she does finally move... a social worker should be notified that this mom may need some extra supervision to ensure her kids are being taken care of properly.

It she's lying about cancer, sleeping a lot, not interested in making and achieving goals... she should be seeing a doctor. It might be something medical or mental but its not getting better just laying around the house sleeping.

I think structure, the schedules you speak of are going to help you get your household in order and managable. You need to get your husbands support on that.. you guys have to be a unit on your expectations from her in order for her continued stay in your home. If you guys take a united front she will have no choice but to straighten up and comply... or to leave.

But if you say one thing and your husband another she will play both ends against the middle... so be sure you have a long talk with your hubby to make sure you are on the same page going forward.

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