hi im new and i need help
hi my name is jackie and im married with 4 children , the problem i have is that last night my oldest son who is only 11 went onto facebook and read his uncles profile which said in a relationship and a mans name was beside it now this is not my brother but my husbands who is very anti gay , i told my husband what we found and i phoned his brother and he conformed that he is gay but only his mum and sister know about it . now my problem is what do i say to my son who read this and also my husband will not speak about it , this morning he never said two words to me before he went to work . what do i do
Is he still the same person he was before you found out he was gay?
If the answer is yes, then there really isn't much of an issue. I'd tell your son that Uncle So and So is still the same person he was before. He still cares about you and his family very much. Nothing's changed.
If it's no, then nothing you say will matter.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
hi pretzel , he hasn`t changed when he is just with the family but he does change when he is with his boyfriend , he keeps saying he doesn`t care what his family think but his is a mummy`s boy and was all ways worried what the family thought before
Hi Jackie, just a quick thought in that he's now more comfortable and the relationship is now more important that what family thinks. Sounds like just like all of us when we find someone whom we care for deeply that the relationship becomes more important that what people think about it.
The fact that it's with another man I think is irrelevant to him at this point.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
Hi Jackie - you seem to have two separate issues 1. How to deal with your husband and 2. How to explain this to your son. Your husband may be shocked and angry and taking it out on you (not speaking to you). I would gently point out that whilst the revelation might be a shock is is nothing to do with you and his relationship with his brother is something he must deal with himself (with your support in the backgroung of course). If they have been close siblings it is likely he will come to terms with it. The more pressing question is how you both agree to deal with your son. Tell your husband your thoughts on the matter and how you feel it should be handled with your son. It is important you agree, as parents, on a strategy. However if he refuses to engage with you explain that he leaves you no choice but to excplain to your son in your own way what's going on. The worst thing you can do is leave the boy in the dark about it. He is on the doorstep of puberty and opening honest channels for conversations about sex and emotions will be a positive thing to do and pay major dividends throughout his teenage years. If you as parents are open and honest and understanding about this issue it will help him to talk to you about any problems he might have in the future. This is my experience anyway! Good luck
thank you both very much , i tried to talk to my son by myself as my husband said he is to young to know , i told him that the things he read on facebook were true , his uncle is in a relationship with a man because thats the way he is and he cant help that and that his uncle is still the same person that he was before we found out , my son didn`t want to hear that and he got a blanket and covered his face
I feel for you but I totally agree with all that has been said.
The difficulty is, is that you can speak, but may not be heard until they digest...it
For instance, your husband may actually be hurt that his brother never felt he could come to him and tell him, you say that his Mother knew and his sister... He may be anti gay but it's usually a non understanding on acceptance of "people" is what is important..
You may not be able to change the way your husband feels, but he needs time, don't take it to heart of his non communication with you but you can make your son think the same way as you do, that is what people are saying and again, it's something for him to digest, he probably is concerned his friends may find out..
So, I suggest, it's "ok" for your husband's brother to be himself, to tell the world, however, kids are different and need protecting right? So, here your husband's brother perhaps should have thought and realised his nephews, nieces would see that, explain that to him, that perhaps maybe he should have told the family in full, never the less, your son has your husband's views...
We are born..
Our parents raise us....
Then we own our own life....
And we can be who ever we want to be in life....
If your son is worried about his friends, and can't feel the above as he is too young to deal with the backlash of non-understanding of this world, perhaps suggest that he takes his uncle off facebook, but that he talks to him and explains, just like he would have felt at 11 coming out, he doesn't want the backlash, at that age, but accepts who he is perhaps...
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
I think you need to really set an example of acceptance in front of your son and husband. Not only for their benefit, but for your brother-in-law as well. That's too bad that at an age so young your son already has prejudices, that's sad. I hope you can turn that around. I would try talking to him again. If he's old enough to be anti-gay, then he's old enough to talk about why.
I think I disagree about him being old enough. His anti-gay feelings are more a product of his father's view as opposed to his own. I think divaover40 mentioned about having a united front by both parents. If he sees that there's a rift between his mom and dad over this, he may tend to side with his dad (which it seems he's already done subconsciously).Originally Posted by sourpuss
Sometimes adults can't get over the unfounded stigmas of homosexuality. They focus purely on an aspect that is only part and parcel of human nature. Often times those same beliefs are passed on from generation to generation. It's unfortunate that unless and until the father accepts his brother for who he is and not as a "gay" man, the situation may very well deteriorate.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
If your son is 11... he knows what gay means. Him knowing he has a gay uncle isn't going to damage him... however spinning some fairy tail that he will figure out on his own in a couple years will damage the trust he has in you to tell him the truth. 11 is not so naive as you may think.. and kids grow up accepting any number of things about their families as long as they are open and honest the kids deal with all of that fine.
If you make a bigger issue of it than it is, it will create more of an impact than if you just answer it matter of factly and move on. He likely won't dwell on it.
I use to have a pair of lovely young girls , teachers, that lived beneath me in my old apartment... they adored my son who was 6 at the time and would often catch him outside and fly kites with him etc.. He went in their apartment one time for lunch and asked them why they only had 1 bed and she avoided answering the question and came to me and told me what he asked and didn't want to tell him that they were a couple unless I was okay with that.
I was like of course its okay... that same night I told him you know so and so and so ? They are a couple like grandma and grandpa and he said 'but they are both girls'... and I said sometimes people fall in love with someone just like them, it doesn't make them less nice does it? And he said 'no, they are super nice'.
And that was it... end of discussion... he never brought it up or questioned it again and he's a normal teenage boy now, he likes girls... he wasn't damaged or influenced into being gay because of knowing a gay couple.
Last edited by Hopeless Dork; 09-08-2010 at 10:10 AM.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
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