Sister-In-Law is a Know-It-All

**Catatonic** · 09-08-2010 05:53 PM

My oldest brother is married to a very annoying and controlling woman who is constantly reading self-help books or converting to different religions and then shoving her "new, improved" advice down everyone's throat. Several years ago, after I moved to the city I'm currently living in, I developed pretty bad allergies. My sister-in-law informed me that it was all in my head, that I just needed to "think positively" and my allergies would go away (she always told her stepchildren the same thing whenever they got colds or the flu). She also refuses to put an animal to sleep even when it is in extreme pain, such as kidney failure, because of her "religion", she told my brother and my parents that it was their fault my other brother committed suicide, and my brother will not speak to me on the phone if she's home.

Recently, my elderly father was hit by a car, and is now in a skilled nursing home. We don't yet know to what extent he may or is going to recover, and I have been talking to him about the possibility of moving in with my husband and me if he doesn't have to stay in the nursing home. Neither my brother nor his wife have visited my father since the accident, nor have they telephoned him, neither has been driving 500 miles each week to check on his house, neither is helping to make sure my dad's bills are paid or that he gets to his doctor appointments, and neither is helping submit claims to his insurance or notifying family or friends of his status. However, my know-it-all sister-in-law is now harping on me about having my father move in with my husband and me because she doesn't think we should "force" him to move in with us. I explained to her that I am not "forcing" anyone to do anything, but at this point we don't even know if he can live alone anymore. She keeps getting in my face about it, so I finally said something to my brother, and he got mad at me and said that I am unable to get along with his wife because I refuse to accept that anyone else has their own perspective. WHAT? I have never NOT gotten along with her and I have never said anything about her previously. I then asked my brother how he would like it if my husband got in his face and told him how to deal with a situation like this.

Am I wrong to feel like she has no business saying anything about the situation? It's not HER father, and she is doing absolutely NOTHING to help, but feels she has the right to tell me what to do? I fell like she's an "armchair quarterback" - always ready to criticize but unwilling to help.

**jns** · 09-08-2010 08:52 PM

You are right, your SIL is a problem. Your brother is in here sphere of control. Don't expect him to back you. I would quick talking to him unless it was necessary. Keep doing what is right for your father.

**KMonte85** · 09-09-2010 06:53 AM

You SIL sounds like a typical "armchair quarterback" - not at all involved with the situation personally, but still manages to think she knows best and should run the show.

Don't allow her to bring out the worst in you - she's annoying and frustrating and will just get satisfaction in knowing that she's ruffled your feathers, and give her more to criticize. Instead, just try to diffuse her if you can, by saying things like:

"I guess I see (the issue) differently than you do"
"We will just have to agree to disagree on this subject"

and then walk away...

You know you are in the right here, you don't owe her any explanation or argument or anything. Shut her down and walk away and see how that might work out for you...

**pretzel** · 09-09-2010 10:27 AM

Well, the saying goes "The road to (you know where) is paved by good intentions".

She may very well care and wants to be involved so in a sense, she's second guessing the situation. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but just part of the family dynamics that happen so many times when elderly parents need help.

What might be beneficial is to get your brother involved. Somewhere along the lines, if his physical health deteriates and his ability to make decisions for himself get compromised, someone is going to have to become guardian.

Your brother needs to step up.