How do I tell him I'm not ready

**Kallygirlie** · 09-09-2010 10:32 PM

Hey all, so I have an issue. As many my know, I lost my Mom to cancer 2 yrs ago. For many, this may seem like a long time but for me, well the healing has just started. So just as my ability to actually heal come around, my Dad tells me he's dating. My brothers and I agree that its just hard because it makes it feel official that Mom is gone. . So my issue isn't with my dad dating. It's his life, and I want him to be happy. My issue is the fact that he's shoving his gf down my throat. I've asked him to let me ease into this, I've told him I'm not ready, I've asked him to let me meet her on my terms. He turns around and springs her on me at my nieces bday party and she's with him every single time I go to visit, including family weekends. He told me he understood, but completely ignores all requests. I'm not trying to keep him single. I just need small doses. I've tried talking with family and they all say how I need to just be happy for him. OK, I am happy for him. Everyone needs a friend and everyone wants to feel loved. But daughters need space when they are dealing with a huge loss like a Mother. What makes it worse, I've been an emotional wreck because of my Fiance and I planning our wedding. That something a Mother daughter do together. We are planning a wedding for Spring 2011 which brings me to my next question.

Is it right of me to not want my dads gf to be at my wedding? Furthermore, Is it wrong of me to forbid her from sitting next to my dad where my Mom would have sat? My fiance agrees with me not wanting her there. I'm already going to be a wreck as it is, so lets make it worse my reminding me all night that my Mom isn't there physically. I've talked to family about this aswell and I'm told it's unfair to my Dad for me to not invite his gf. I mean really? when did it become his day? So basically I have to be miserable on my wedding day so my dad can have his gf there? Well my family says yes!!

Everyone is so worried about my Dads feelings. It's like they forget that I was the one that had an amazing relationship with Mom. I spent most of my life picking my Mom up when she was down over how Dad was treating her. I was the one that moved home just to care for her when we got the diagnosis. I was the one that spent many sleepless nights staying with her when she was in pain. My Dad, not once offered to stay with her so I could go take a breath. Never offered to stay the night so I could get some rest. He treated my Mom like when she was healthy. But none of that means nothing?

So what do you all think? My dad might be paying for part of the wedding, so does that give him the right to invite someone who would make me sad? Is there a way to get through to a hard headed man or is it something I just have to deal with. Cause I feel myself pulling away from him. we've finally just gained this relationship between us after 27 yrs, now i feel like its being distroyed.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-09-2010 10:55 PM

Krystal honey I can't even pretend to know what you are going through with the loss of your Mom... but I think not allowing your Dad's girlfriend to your wedding would be a decision you'd later regret. Life is moving forward... your getting married is a symbol of that circle of life that goes on and on. Its a special day for your father and if this lady is always at his house when you visit, she's likely very special too.

Think of it this way... you've only been with your boyfriend a few years... how long was your dad with your mom? Probably a lot longer. If you had to endure the pain of losing the love of your life, your fiance... and you went through heck and high water to get over the hurt and found someone that makes life livable, someone that makes you smile sometimes... would it break your heart if others would not accept him simply because they ... they who didn't lose their life partner, they who don't know what you are dealing with... are not prepared to deal with how you are recovering?

He's trying to live, he's trying to get by... a lot of couples that are together a long time and one dies... don't live very long... studies show long time married couples that one passes in a high percentage of cases the other dies shortly after... and some say its from 'failure to thrive' they give up on living, don't eat like they should, don't take their meds, don't take care of themselves because of depression.

Your father having someone in his life at this time when you are happy in love and about to enter into spending your life with someone... well the opposite of that would be much much harder to deal with. If your father was in a shell, miserable, defeated and couldn't live due to being sad missing your mom... it would break your heart... and you want for him to have someone that makes going through the motions not only bearable... but worth it.

Its totally up to you and your husband... but in my opinion... accepting her to your wedding , will be a big sign to her, and to your father that she is welcome in his life. Not inviting her will be a huge sign that she's not welcome in his life.... what if she were to take that feeling of family rejection and run away? Leaving your father alone again... and there you will be off and married living your life , moving forward from your loss the best way you know how, while he is sad and alone.

I am not meaning to make you feel guilty... I just hope that you can come to a decision that this way or that way you don't look back and regret.

**WildChild** · 09-09-2010 10:57 PM

Sweetheart, I lost my mother to cancer when she was 44 and I was not yet 22, it was much too soon to have to be without her, but you have to move on and heal. Speaking as a mother with nearly grown children I can assure you it is what she would want. It does sound like your father is being insensitive to your needs and wishes. Can you talk to him about it in a setting that is really conducive to getting him to focus and listen? How about inviting for lunch, just the two of you, and calmly explaining your concerns to him?

He just starting to date, I wouldn't count on thie woman still being around by spring. It is very likely he'll go through several stort term relationships before he really settles into one. Keep this in mind when talking to him.

This will only make you miserable if you let it. What can you do to have a feeling having some special part of your mother's memory with you on this special day? Is there a special momento you can wear or carry? Or perhaps including her favorite flowers in your bouquet? Cherish her memory and the love you shared but let that be a joy to you and not a misery. It will get easier and better - I promise you. I've been there, in time the pain will recede and you will hold dear the good memories but they will not bring up the well of pain you still feel now. Your mother has moved on and the greatest tribute you can give to her and hte love she gave you, is to live in love and happiness.

**Kallygirlie** · 09-10-2010 06:24 AM

See I have alot of things planned to make sure Mom is still with us on our day. When the Mother's are ushered to their seats, an usher will carry a picture of my Mother. I'll have a picture of her with me. We're going to have a candle burning for her at the reception. The problem isn't my Moms memory. Its this women reminding me of how hard this whole wedding is going to be without Mom being there to help me.

HD...I am happy for my Dad. I understand the loss but saying she was the love of his life is a far stretch. They spent 33 miserable yrs together. Screaming and yelling was just a small part of them. He'd never talk to her and blamed her for his heart attack yrs ago. I got so fed up with it that one day I picked him up and threw him in a chair and told him I'd sit on his little A** if he didn't try to work things out. Mom sure got a Kick out of that. I guess what really bothers me is how he treats this new women with respect, holds her hand and kisses her in front of me and for 24 yrs, I NEVER saw him do any of that with my Mom.

I understand statistically, spouses who lose their partner die shortly after. But in the same aspect their is a statistic that says the same thing about care givers. This family has NO IDEA how close they came to not having me around shortly after bc I honestly thought death was alot better than life.

I'm here tho, I'm moving on. It was only 6 months ago that I even was able to stop feeling guilty and full of regret for not saving her so my healing has just begun. I'm not telling him to break up with her. I just simply think its crazy that only his feelings are considered. If he wants to celebrate this special day with anyone, it should be with Me. My brothers have already told me that my wedding is even going to be hard on them. I'm the first child since this has happened to wed so its going to be a very emotional night to begin with. I've tried opening up to him, he says he understand and nothing. I mean I tell him I'm not ready and gotta take it easy, so he kisses her in front of me. As if he cant wait the 2 secs it would have taken to be out of site from me.

**pretzel** · 09-10-2010 08:15 AM

There really is no easy solution but I do think there's room for compromise.

Your dad does need to show a bit of courtesy with regard to your feelings. But it's not about his dating someone at this point. I suspect your mom's cancer was a long tough battle. There's no easy way of dealing with that until you accept that no matter what there's nothing you could or anyone could have done more than just to be there, comfort her and make the passage as peaceful and loving as could be. Beyond that, there's the good memories that you've shared that will always be special to you. You dad has been able to grieve and accept that life is an ongoing history of not only what was in the past, but the wonderment of what lies ahead. But that doesn't excuse him from not being considerate that his timetable for moving on and reliving his life has to everyone else's. That's where I think he's wrong.

On the other hand, your wedding is just as much a celebration for him and your brothers as it is for you. I'm pretty sure you want you dad there giving you away and the serenity of knowing that your mom is in heaven looking down at your happiness and sharing in that through her memory. I think your honoring her in the way you said is an absolutely wonderful gesture and rememberence to her.

As much as it may not sit as well as you'd like it to, I think your dad has the right to want the woman he's dating to be there with him to celebrate this day. But I would let him know that you would prefer her role to be that of his guest not as a substitute for your mom.

**WildChild** · 09-10-2010 09:10 AM

Perhaps your father learned something in losing a wife and it trying to change and treat this woman differently. If that is the case then it is a good thing. Take heart that people can change and that love and the desire to be lovingly connected is evident in your family. I would have to say that in many ways my father and stepmother have a better relationship than my parents did. They are very loving and affectionate with each other but I know they have had their ups and downs. I delight in their successful and loving relationship. It give me hope that as I mature this is not out of reach. It takes time to get to that place.

**jns** · 09-10-2010 07:04 PM

Have you considered not inviting your dad to your wedding? Just say it would cause too many awkward situations. Even if your dad was there without his gf, you would still miss your mother tremendously as you would if his gf is there. You have so many unresolved issues with him, it may be a happier situation without him.

**Kallygirlie** · 09-10-2010 08:13 PM

Not inviting my dad isn't an option. If it was 2 yrs ago, it wouldn't have mattered but in the past yr him and I have finally built a relationship with each other. I honestly dont understand why the world sees this as being just as much a celebration for him as it is for me. It's My wedding, its a new part of my life starting. How is it unfair for me to uninvite his gf but its NOT unfair for someone to make me miserable on my wedding day? It's not his wedding, he had his.

Yes I am going to miss My Mom no matter what. If I inivite her then I cant forbid them from kissing, or dancing and thats going to be the constant reminder. Why does he need his GF to celebrate with me? Why is it such a big deal for her not to be there?

Call me selfish but Taz and I are getting married not my Dad and Robin. She claims to understand why I'm so distant so if thats the case she'd get why I dont want her there. Its bad enough that he assumes shes invited to EVERYTHING. The engagement party that I'M paying for, I didn't even get at say in that one and I just met her less than a month ago.

I've had so many talks its not even funny with DAd and he keeps saying he understands but nothing happens. I pray he's changed and I know its possible for him to change how he treats women. Thats great!! But since he's changed, that means I have to suck it up, get over my mothers death and accept his gf? I didn't tell him I wouldn't meet her, I said I need to do it in my time and I'd support him from a distance until then. 2 days later he sprung her on me. He tells me he will not sleep in the same bed with her as its not right (i didn't ask for this info), 3 days later I walk into the campsite and surprise!!! He tells me they are "just friends" and surprise they are kissing. I mean come on!!!

**mrs.chrisco2** · 09-10-2010 11:19 PM

If i were you i would ask him not to bring her and explain why to him. If he cant understand it thas wrong. It is YOUR day and you should be able to have it they way you want!! tell him if he wants her there then he can stay home but tell him you really want him there....thats what i would do anyway!!!

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