Sister in-law issues

**SaraAnne2008** · 09-29-2010 04:15 PM

I will try to make this as short as possible.
I have been married almost three years to my husband and we have a son along with a daughter due in January. He is one of two children in his family with a younger sister who happens to be my age. She has always been friendly to me but very distant. She has not such a good attitude with her family and treats there parents like . She calls my husband alot of times on how to deal with them. She uses not only their parents but my husband for things such as money and things she needs.

This is my problem and issue I'm having. I have tried over and over again to be friends with her. Most recently when visiting (my inlaws and her who live about 3 hours from us) she mentioned she was trying to find a decent guy and was on eharmony. My husband and I had talked about a good guy friend of mine who lives in the area, who is successful and has all the good qualities a girl would look for. Plus he was looking for a serious relationship as well. I mentioned him to her and she is like, "does he have a facebook" So I got on my facebook and showed her pictures (which she found him very attractive). My husband then asked her why she had denied 3 friend requests from me (my husband and I share my facebook account). She then proceeded to say she didn't recognize us but then proceeded to add us along with my friend who I was introducing her too.

I was not surprised by her answer with the denying friend request. She doesn't seem or act like she wants nothing to do with me. After meeting my friend (which in a four hour period didn't say more than three words too), he mentioned to me about questionable pictures on her profile. I didn't think much about it but told my husband that he didn't really want to go out with her after seeing these pictures. (Which were of her licking things off half nude guys chests) My husband proceeded to go looking through her pictures and asked her why she had such bad pictures on her page. She then flipped out and started calling him names saying things such as he was telling her how to live her life. Which in fact he just mentioned that employers might find these pictures bad.
Which about three days later we noticed she deleted me off her profile. Not really a big deal but my husband was mad since she never wants anything to do with me. He confronted her and she said basically she wants nothing to do with either of us now. However I took the time to look at who she had as friends such as family (since I wanted to add some of them) and noticed she had like five of my husband’s old girlfriends as friends along with his ex-wife. Which really hurt me and I told my husband I didn't find that she liked me at all. I'm not really hurt by her deleting me off because it’s just stupid facebook...however I'm sad, upset, hurt and stuff like that she still keeps in contact with people such as his ex wife and ex girlfriends.
Another thing I found very rude since all three of us share a birthday this month. We called her and wished her a happy birthday and sent her money to help her get by since she is going through a tough spot right now. She didn't call either my husband or me. We tried writing her an email to confront her and tell we are hurt by her actions but no success.
I'm just looking for any advice. I'm stressed and hurt by all this.

**Lunar Keiki** · 09-29-2010 04:59 PM

That is really tough. You can't make her like you and you can't pick your relatives. Sounds like she is really insecure. Maybe she likes when you guys go seeking her, or emailing her trying to fix the relationship. Maybe she is narcissistic. What if you just totally back off, be polite and civil to her when you are at family gatherings, but don't go out of your way to reach out to her? Sounds like she needed you more than you needed her anyway. If you both act like you could care less whether she is in your life or not, you may see a quick change in her attitude because she is slowly shutting out all her support!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-04-2010 12:25 PM

Why try so hard to be friends with someone that doesn't want to be friends with you? I mean honestly, based on what you've said about her, I'm not sure why you'd want to be friends with her. Yeah, she's your husbands sister....but there's no law that says you have to bend over backwards to be her friend.

Maybe those ex's had more in common with her.....which doesn't sound like a good thing.

I'd try really hard to let this go and not let it negatively affect me. She's no different than any other passerby...you've made the effort, it has not been reciprocated, so say eff it and let it be.

**SaraAnne2008** · 10-05-2010 08:12 AM

Yeah, I guess the hardest part of it all is the fact he is really close to her. Like it hurts because I have caught her talking bad to his mother about me. My husband wants a relationship because she has that with all of his exs which like you said is not a good thing, however I am the only who has been invested this much with him. I have done nothing to her for her to not like me. I would think his x wife would be on her bad list after she cheated on him...but she isn't. His and her relationship and how she is treating me is splitting the family. She doesn't want me to even attend family functions which my husband ofcourse overlooks and say she is my wife she is coming. But than there is his parents who are like maybe your wife shouldn't come we need to "please" your sister. I feel like left out and its really hard to deal with for the fact my children are welcome but I'm not? His parents are very two faced when it comes to being around her and being around me. They act really sweet and nice when she isn't around than she walks in and they are very distant with me and short.
I have come to the conclusion I don't want to be her friend anymore but I want more than anything to be accepted as my husband's wife.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-05-2010 08:19 AM

This honestly sounds like an issue you need to take up with the hubby. If he knows you're making all this effort and trying, then he should be taking up for you if they are talking bad about you, or asking for you not to be around. He needs to stand up to them. It's not fair to you to be making all the effort and then just be the outcast. If I were your husband I'd put my foot down to them and say "look, I've had enough, this is my wife, I love her, she loves me, and she wants to be a part of this family more than anything....so either start treating us BOTH like family or we'll keep our distance".

Looks like he'd have a hard time being so "close" with someone that treats you that way.

**tricks** · 11-04-2010 04:56 PM

Well first off the reason for her not accepting your facebook requests is because she probably knew you and your husband would be criticizing her photos, and she was right. Who cares about her photos, heck, I wouldn't even want to be friends with a lush like that, don't even request friendship from now on.

Secondly, I have gone throught this for many years with my husbands brothers wife. In the end.....it never works out. She doesn't like you and doesn't want to be your friend, so just drop it (I don't mean to be harsh). I too spent all my life trying to be friends and trying to understand why she does certain things to me. Bottom line is they don't like us and they never will!!! Hope this helps

**SaraAnne2008** · 11-06-2010 04:44 PM

I didn't Critize anything. My husband said something because the guy we tried to set her up with said she appeared to be dressed badly and her actions in pictures weren't acceptable for his little sister. I said and DID nothing.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-06-2010 06:58 PM

It does truly depend on how your husband handled the photos... Your SIL has a right to be whoever she wants to be, to post what ever she wants on facebook, it's her life...

This friend didn't get a chance to know her, inside, the photos could have been a hens night and a memory of what she is missing in life, sex and just for fun for her friends to remember for all he knows.. He judged her...

And, I guess that your SIL may be envious of your relationship or she may feel you two interfere or don't accept her, it could be anything, you have to find out why she feels the way she does over you and if it's judging then you need to see that people have to be accepted for who they are.

The fact that you are saying " she appeared to be dressed badly and her actions in pictures weren't acceptable " means your husband judged her . I would have done what she did, because if my brother doesn't know me, or accept me for who I am, then ... that profile belongs to me and those whom do.

CW

**SaraAnne2008** · 11-07-2010 12:10 PM

Which I agree. However she isn't allowing a relationship with me and still is friends with his xgf along with his xwife. That's hurtful...very hurtful because he does have a good relationship with his sister and she is punishing me because of something he said. Or so it feels. I have tried talking to her and I posted an update on this further down in this forum. I don't know if I should keep her out of our lifes which I'm highly considering since she cannot give either of us now the time of day. My new daughter is set to arrive in January and her actions and things she has said to me tells me she wants nothing to do with our future child, which is her neice. Its sad and I don't know how to handle this because its the whole idea of her acting this way to be over soemthing stupid.
Its not the fact she deleted me and doesn't want to me my friend on there. Its the fact she doesn't want anything to do with me after 2 years of marriage to my husband and almost 4 years together and I have done nothing to her. I have been overly nice and gone out of my way for her. She still treats me this way and my husband is about to pull his hair out because he says she shouldn't be treating people this way. He has come to the conclusion he doesn't want anything further to do with her in the last three days. However I don't want that because my family of five siblings we are all very close, and this is his own sibling. Not only will that mess up the relationship with his parents but the relationship with her and any future relationship we might have with her. Again it has nothing to do with facebook and her actions on there. It has to do with what broke the egg open...this has been going on long before anythign and he did or said nothing she should be offended by. He was protecting her because he doesn't want her to get hurt mainly when it comes to employers looking at her site since they do that now. He was looking out for her since they are close. However I'm the one who gets the end of the stick here.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-07-2010 01:22 PM

However she isn't allowing a relationship with me and still is friends with his xgf along with his xwife.

I think this is the key, to "your issues", yes it does hurt when you are the only one whom a family member chooses not to get to know, to ignore, it eats at you and you will do anything to correct it...

he does have a good relationship with his sister and she is punishing me because of something he said.

When two siblings have a bond, and they discuss something about one of their partners, if the other sibling feels sorry for ie) him, over it, or feels the other person did wrong, they will hold it against them.. I am a fan of not telling your family too much information as they will hold it against the other person.. in most cases.

It's up to your Husband to correct that, explain it, or to tell her it's in the past, not current and to ask her to get to know you...

It seems to me, it's you trying to hard to create a bond just like she had with his ex's, including his ex wife and in that, as it's not working your frustrated and mad...

If it's not going to be, nothing you can do about it... other than my suggestion above which may resolve it .

It has to do with what broke the egg open...this has been going on long before anythign and he did or said nothing she should be offended by. He was protecting her

Here, that's your opinion... She may feel totally differently... She may firstly be offended and secondly feel that your behind it, even though he instigated it...

There are missing bits I feel to this story as to why she can't bond with you, what was said to her in the past.....

It's good that you don't want him to "not" be a part of her life and I agree, unfortunately blood is and should be thicker than water...

What I don't get is why you feel your getting the end of the stick, when clearly she's not talking to your husband either, again, unless she feels your behind the situation..

Your up-date will have to go here

You can't create a new thread when the same thread already exists and has been replied to...

CW