Dementia and My Family - How Do I Deal?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-04-2010 09:23 AM

My mom and I are the best of friends. I am her "person" as she is mine. In other words, in tough times we are each others vent posts.

Her parents are in their 80's, and her dad has dementia. Lately, it has gotten much worse. She along with 2 of her other siblings have been helping to provide round the clock care for him as it is too much for my grandmother to do alone. Because he hasn't totally lost his memory, (still knows my grandmother, they've been married for 60+ years) they do not feel it's in his (or her) best interest right now for him to be put in a home.

Given the situation, the frustration, the stress, the conflicts among siblings, etc, I am hearing about it constantly. She's either upset at her mom over the way she handled something, upset at her sisters for taking advantage of her (and they do sometimes), upset over something etc. And my brother still lives with her (a ridiculous situation) and that is a lot of stress for her too. So though I know that anyone in her position would be stressed and need a vent post... this is my family too, so I'm invested and not a totally unbiased source. I try very hard not to be critical of her, as I know she's an excellent person and is doing the best she can with all this, but she doesn't take advice well. So I feel like if I sit there silent and listen, acknowledging what she's saying then I seem like I don't care or am not interested. But if I listen intently and make suggestions, she combats them and we end up arguing. Or even if we don't end up arguing, I feel the negativity of it all just overwhelm me.

So it's kind of a tough situation. Obviously I'm invested. The fact my grandpa is suffering with dementia is troubling and sad to me. The fact that my grandma is so depressed from dealing with it is sad to me. The fact that my brother is the age he is and has zero motivation in life is sad to me. These are people I love too. So when she talks to me about these things, it's really hard for me to just listen and not be emotionally affected by it.

I want to be there for her. Me telling her "I'm not the best person for you to talk to about this" is not an option, I won't do that. If she needs to vent, I want to be there....that's what friends are for. But how do I seperate myself from it mentally so that when she vents I don't feel such negativity and don't end up feeling so weighed down by it?

**pretzel** · 10-05-2010 09:15 AM

BD, somewhat similar situation I'm going through with my in laws. Mother in law just had second surgery in less than two weeks for bowel obstruction and father in law homebound due to COPD and depression.

Dementia is as much as we'd like not to think of it as such, it is a medical issue. For as much as we'd like to do everything we can and do, it has to be treated as a medical issue. There is a great network of professionals that can treat the dementia which would allow the rest of the family to effectively handle the household and assist (and the big word is assist) in his daily care.

If you can convince your mom to start treating grandpa's condition as a medical condition and get professional guidance then alot of the burden will be off as main caregiver which could ease some of the tension.

And if you can find a way to convince her, let me know. I need a few suggestions myself.

**Olympia** · 10-05-2010 09:58 AM

BD,

My step-father has been diagnosed with dimentia as well.. My mother; who is 11 years younger, is providing his care. (for the most part) My sisters and i have jumped in to help out when we can, and my one brother when he can. My other brother and step brother are practically non existant.. Anyway,.. it is wearing on the individual who is the primary care giver. As so often is the case, the dimentia patient lives in their past. The present is forgotten. Even times they forget the immediate family members including their spouse.
Sometimes all you can do is be a friend. Listen and be there for her.
But, there are support groups as well for this.. And if that is not a possibility, perhaps a close friend of hers. Someone not in the family, who can provide companionship and understanding. Someone from the outside looking in sort of speak. Whose advise may be taken more on the lines of help than a challenge or cause for provactation.?? A visit to break up her day, can give needed relief, even if it is for only a few minutes.

**hizenberg** · 10-12-2010 06:51 AM

their are lots of avenues your mother can go to for help and adive even counselling for people living with dementia and carers of people with dementia. im not quiete sure how it works in the usa but im sure there is plenty of community services,going into a aged care by you could be useful as they could direct you to some professionals. it sounds as though you mother is trying to be a saviour in all this and that is a beutiful and compassionate thing but she also ned to take care of her needs as caring for a person with dementia can be challenging and emotionalley draining at times.have your family talked of getting your granfather into some sort of respite once in a while to give evreyone a chance to take a breath and time out for themselfs? you can get care once a month at home or your granfather could go into a home for a day or two once in a while?i hope i was some sort of help

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-12-2010 07:00 AM

He's had dementia for years, but it has only recently gotten to the point where she and her sisters felt they needed to step in and start helping to care for him. I guess they're just not quite ready yet to not be the caretakers. Until he gets to the point where he doesn't even recognize my grandma, they don't intend on removing him from the home. They have discussed eventually hiring people to come in and help care for him.

The hardest part is my grandma. Grandpa is at the point where he's very easy to take care of, agreeable, friendly, etc. She, however, is angry, frustrated, and wallowing in self pity almost all the time. That's making things way more difficult. Right now they are focusing on someone being there to take care of him almost 24/7 so that Grandma can go do things she wants to do and get out of the house some. She's very resentful of the care he's requiring, and the attention he's getting.

As for mom and me..... one evening after she made a very generalizing comment about us "grandkids", I used that as my opportunity to "set her straight" so to speak. I also used it as my opportunity to tell her that I love talking to her (we talk a few times a day), and that I love the fact that she feels she can vent to me, but that if she's venting to me 2 or 3 times a day about the same thing, then its too much to ask for me to never have an opinion. And that if I do express an opinion, I'm instantly discredited and my opinion is thrown out the window. I told her that this is my family too, and it's not fair to expect that from me.

But, in the end, I decided even if she didn't stop, I'd suck it up and be there for her in whatever capacity she needs me. Tough times....that's what friends are for.

**KMonte85** · 10-12-2010 07:46 AM

I think you are doing everything you can BD. You've told your mom that you need to be able to express yourself as she does with you... and if she gets defensive, at least you're still there to be a sounding board.

I'm so happy to hear that your family is thinking about hiring in-house care for your grandpa. That was going to be my #1 suggestion for your family to seek. Home health nurses are a godsend. I had a grandmother, an uncle, and an aunt who all used home-health services in order to be able to stay home and not be moved to a nursing home. The people who provide these services are fantastic, understanding, .. true professionals. And the burden that will be taken off of your grandma and the rest of your family will be well worth the cost (which may be mostly covered by his medicare/insurance anyway). I think your grandma will reap the benefits, becoming who she once was, without the resentment and depression of being a fulltime caregiver to her husband. As much as she loves him, I'm sure everyone can imagine how taxing it is, and why the situation would wear on her so much, even with the help of her children.

As for your immediate family, it is a bit ridiculous that your brother is still at home. I know you've spoken of this before.. but your mom won't do anything to push him, and he won't motivate himself-- so in that regard, there is little you can do, but try to be supportive of anything he attempts to do that doesn't involve sitting around.. otherwise, you need to turn a blind eye - for your own well being. I think I've mentioned I have family quite similar to your brother... the only way I can stop my hair from prematurely turning gray is to stop thinking about it. Your bro isn't your burden, and if your mom refuses to stop making him her's, then that is her choice. I'm glad you're still allowing her to vent to you. As frustrating as it is... hopefully she'll let you chime in now and then with a suggestion.. but most likely she just wants to vent and not hear your opinion. We're alike in that we want to help by suggesting solutions, but that doesn't always fly with people (as I've learned in a quite verbal way a few times). Mom most likely just wants to unload, and she's comfortable with you, thinks of you as a friend as well as a daughter, and so you're her person to unload on. My suggestion - unless you really REALLY feel you need to give her some advice, just listen intently, and make comments like "wow, Mom! This must be so hard on you.. how are you able to deal with all of this?" "Mom, you're doing everything you can - I hope you know that you're going above and beyond to take care of your family", etc etc... motivational/empathetic comments.. people venting often just want to be recognized for the work their doing about whatever it is they're venting about...