Thread: Can't Take It Anymore

I am at my wits end with my mother in law and sister in law, and I'm hoping to get some good advice. I have been with my husband for almost 4 years. My husband is very close with his family and seems to constantly seek their approval, although he denies it. They talk several times a day, and seem to know every aspect of our lives. The issues all started when my husband discussed my personal financial situation with them when we started dating. I was a single mother for 7 years before we met. I managed to put myself through university and over the years I worked hard to have a good job and a decent income. The flipside to that is, I had some student loan debt and very little savings. My husband on the other hand has been very priveleged. He was able to become involved in the family business and do very well for himself, and also lived at home with his parents for many years and saved a considerable amount of money. I, on the other hand, did not have family that was able to help me, so I was forced to pay rent.

It all started when my husband insisted on building a home for us. I wanted to buy a starter home and renovate, as I felt this was more within my means to contribute. He refused and assured me it was fine, and I could help financially with whatever I could afford. Since then, I have given him almost my entire paycheck, except for my own personal bills which are not much at all. My debt has been since paid off. My sister and mother in law have accused me several times of being a "gold digger". To date, I still do not know what I have done to give them this impression. They have taken several comments I have made and turned them into complete lies. For example, once I told my mother in law that I wished I made enough money to be able to afford to work less so I could spend more time with my kids. My mil and sil then convinced my husband that I was planning on not working once we got married and was only using him for his money. My sil has also tried to befriend my family members and pry, asking them what they thought of me, etc., then telling them she does not like me. After the birth of my daughter last year, I expressed to certain members of my family that I was a bit apprehensive about going back to work after my maternity leave was over. I explained that it would be hard, and I would miss my daughter. I think that is completely normal feelings for any mother to have. I have never wanted to live off of any man's money and always want to hold my own. Again, this got back to my mother/sister in law and they verbally (and almost physically) attacked me twice this past summer and accused me of not wanting to work anymore, and saying that I was trying to destroy my husband's life and live off of the family's money. This could not be further from the truth, but they will only see what they want to see. I signed a very thick pre-nup before we married!!! I have been polite, helpful, gracious, and I know what a good person I am. So does all my family and friends. I know that should be all that matters, but I have to see my inlaws so much and it's SO hard when they obviously hate you!

Over the years, I have ignored many ignorant comments about my weight during my pregnancies, prying, yelling, and other forms of bullying/verbal abuse. I never engage in the verbal attacks. I went through some counselling this past winter and am being treated for depression, and I am now in a very good place and feel very good about myself. I am happier than I've ever been. My doctor tried to give me some tools to deal with "bullies", as she called them, but they haven't worked. My husband is always in denial and basically his family can do no wrong. There is always an excuse for their behavior "that's just the way she is", or "she's had a hard life". In the end, the problem is always mine!

My husband has stuck up for me, but is reluctant to do so and only has when I insist on it. One confrontation ended in his mother screaming at me, calling me good for nothing and every name in the book, and actually charging at me to physically assault me. I said nothing to her, and was only trying to leave the house. I am very quiet, and do not like confrontation at all. I try to avoid it at all costs.

I have tried having my husband deal with his family, and after the last big confrontation, I put my foot down and laid down some boundaries. I have stopped trying to have a close relationship with both my mil/sil. They dislike me, and no matter how hard I try it never matters. I don't need to be around people who make me feel terrible. I told my husband that from now on, my name was not to be brought up at all. They are to know NOTHING about me, good or bad. I have agreed to show up at family functions/dinners (which are often), but I do not speak unless I am spoken to. I try to answer questions with yes/no only and try to keep to myself. My husband agreed that I would have minimal contact and he would not disclose any personal information.

This past weekend, the same issues came up again. My husband and I are having a hard time in our marriage with a small baby and having no time together. I am also 5 1/2 months pregnant again. I jokingly asked him one morning when I couldn't reach him on his cell phone if he was meeting his girlfriend for breakfast, which I don't often do. He reassured me and we had a nice talk when he got back and sorted out some issues. Later that day, he jokingly told his family that I was being jealous! They looked very concerned, and he just kept laughing! I smiled and explained, but his sister just gave me a dirty look. My husband told me I was making a big deal out of nothing. Then over dinner, his sister went on and on for about 5 mins about how "huge" I am during this pregnancy, and proceeded to ask everyone's opinion in the house what they thought about my size! My husband joined in and asked me if I thought I was bigger this time than last time! My sil said I would have a 10 lb baby! I'm only 145 lbs and I think I look great. I know she is just insecure because she is overweight, so she picks on others to make herself feel better. I get it, and I was gracious and said nothing. It hurt that my husband did not stick up for me. Again, he insisted that her intentions were good, and she was only commenting about my pregnancy and I was taking it the wrong way.

At what point do I just give up? Is this situation hopeless???