Why in-laws are annoying

**red_4ever_red** · 11-15-2010 01:04 PM

I hate my sister-in-law. She a little busy body who only comes to my family to make some idiotic point about my life and any of my other family members. I never liked her because of the past expriences with her. She is just crude and not very diplomatic with her husband's family members.

Whe you marry into someone's family, it is a delicate thing to watch out for when you interact with others from your husband side, and she doesn't seem to get it. She can't stay out of my family members' business. When comfort was need she was never there; she would only come by when she wanted to meddle into the things happening with my family; things that she wants to put you down to make her look superior. My brother married a foreigner, and I am not sure it is because she is from different nationality.

She offended another sister-in-law because of money. My other sister-in-law is so livid that she now doesn't even speak to any of my family members.

I am not confrontational to tell her off to ther face. My other family members say we have to accept it and always welcome her into our lives, especially of the grand kids. My family is very generous and doesn't see it as an offense, but I can't tolerate it. Because she married into our family and is considered one of the family members, I have no choice. Not by blood but by association - still I don't understand this thing about in-laws.

**KMonte85** · 11-15-2010 01:23 PM

I'm not sure I fully understand the situation yet. You say she's meddling in your family's business. Is she not family?

Are you bothered that she comments on the happenings within the family, or are you bothered by what her comments are?

It is not easy being married into a family either, especially when you are looked at as an outsider or a "family member by association, not blood" as you so bluntly put it.

There are people in this world who are crass and say rude and hurtful things. This could very possibly be the case with her, but if she is just giving her comments or opinions to situations she hears about (from being a member of the family), then perhaps it is time to back off from the anymosity and allow her to become a part of the family. I think it would help me to understand if you could give an example of the things she has said that have made you so angry.

**red_4ever_red** · 11-15-2010 02:39 PM

That's the problem - she is part of the family but she doesn't comfort but meddle. She doesn't know everyone's personality, and she assumed it was fine to give free and unwanted advice or comments. Nobody wants to hear some other people making uncalled comments that would offend others. Being part of the family, she should know what to say and what not to say. The details of what she says that you're asking are not important. The point is as a sister-in-law, she should be mindful and be caring on her approach and not be crass and rude and make unwanted comments or advice, especially when she is looked at as on outsider, she should be even more cautious and mindful.

Would you want to receive free and unwanted comments or advice from someone that doesn't even know you or someone only comes to you when they want to make point not when they should ask if you needed some confort or help with any thing?

I call these people arrogant busy bodies who don't have manners. It had been several months that she and her husband came to our family to see how everyone is doing. All the sudden they showed up and started talking nonsense. If I could tell them not to come, I would but my other family members said to let it go.

Do you full understand the situation now without me spilling the details? My other sister-in-law is so angry with her that she refuses to even come to us anymore. It shows that it is not just me that she offended or that I am the only to have anymosity toward her.

**KMonte85** · 11-15-2010 02:56 PM

You and your other sister in law seem to have a united front on her being irritating so I suppose your point of being the only person having a problem with her is proven - you aren't the only one with animosity towards her. However, the REST OF YOUR FAMILY are telling you to let it go...

To answer your question, I probably wouldn't want advice from a stranger. But I would hope that my brother's wife isn't a stranger to me at all. I find it sad that she would have to be looked at as an "outside" simply because we don't share bloodlines. I don't have much in common with my brother's wife either, we rarely can agree on anything and disagree fundamentally on how one should go about their life. But I don't hate her, and I don't consider her an outsider in my family either. She's not. She is my brother's wife and that makes her family. Truth be told, I have blood relatives that I don't get on so well with either... in any case, I refuse to make such a rift that family ties start coming undone.

I do agree that uncalled for and rude comments should be kept to ones self. Have you let your SIL know that her comments are hurtful and causign a wedge in what is already a seemingly fragile relationship? A simple, "SIL, I don't know if you realize it, but your advice is coming off as judgemental and is hurtful. I would appreciate it if we can keep our comments to more positive subjects." Perhaps she is trying to help, and doesn't realize how she comes off? But give her a chance to change... sitting and fuming, refusing to speak with her, or telling her off is going to isolate you from your brother, and from the other family members who want to keep the peace.

**red_4ever_red** · 11-15-2010 04:22 PM

It gets complicated than that, and thanks for the advice. I can tell her nicely and quote you, but I know her personality, she would go back home with my brother/her husband and complain to him that I was out of line by telling her what she said was judgemental and hurtful. She would say what so judgemental and hurtful about what she said.

The cylce is vicious. I know exactly what I am dealing with. People with manners would not have to be told how to treat others. By keeping quiet about it, it prevents any war of words. By avoiding her, my brother complains that I am not welcoming her when she visits. When she visits , she always has some ulterior motive to give unwanted advice or comments. We don't want unwanted advice or comments. We want someone who is caring and knows how to comfort just by observing another person. Someone who has the capacity for compassion. The fact is she doesn't have any.

As for my brother, his wife wants him to spend all her time with her and the kids; he does not spend time alone with any of my family members. I don't have a close relationship with him, so it doesn't bother me if we have this understand of one another as siblings.

I guess I am not the only who has issues with sister-in-laws. Hate is a strong word. It is an expression, but I am not the type would do harm to another family member by association. May be I should have said I dislike her. Dislike is a milder word and it shows disapproval toward another.

**red_4ever_red** · 11-15-2010 10:42 PM

BTW, this is off topic but referring to my comment about 'The cycle is vicious". Did you hear about Mel Gibson "Admitting to Slapping – Not Punching – Oksana Grigorieva". What's the difference between kicking, punching, hitting and SLAPPING another person? Abuse in the cruest form and can't be differentitated.

**KMonte85** · 11-16-2010 06:50 AM

That's too bad - that to me sounds like your brother is enabling her to be boorish with the family. If he can't recognize it, then unfortunately it doesn't seem like you can do much, other than avoid them altogether and bite your tongue when you are together. If anything, knowing that you could tell her off for her rude behavior, but you don't will show that you're obviously on different levels... as the old addage goes, "you can't pick your relatives"... we're stuck with our blood relatives and the people they choose the bring into the family.

And yes, I heard about the Mel Gibson thing on the radio this morning. Apparanently, to him - there's a big difference. Because, you know, a slap doesn't leave nearly as ugly of a mark to one's face as a close fisted punch does. Ah, the inner thoughts of an alcoholic megalomaniac....

**orchiddreams** · 11-17-2010 03:48 PM

Hi Red. It sounds like you and I have a similar problem.

In my family we put up with these meddling morons out of respect for the sibling/mother/father/etc.

...I have found that people don't change. I would just interact with her at a very superficial level. No deep conversations, no personal family matters and certainly no requests or opportunities given to her for her unwanted advice.

There is a saying that goes something like this: "sometimes when you try to fix an eyebrow you poke out your eye."

She doesn't seem like a very understanding SIL and talking about the issues openly may invite her to learn about what pushes your buttons. I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid her, but keep control of your conversations with her and where it is going by not focusing on personal matters. Stick to the mundane things in life and just slap a smile on your face so you don't cause a rift between yourself and your brother.