How to deal with SIL

**orchiddreams** · 11-16-2010 06:29 PM

Hi! I need a little help in dealing with my sister-in-law (brother's wife).

We have never really gotten off on the right foot, she is older than me as is my brother. I never got very friendly with her because we were such different personalities. I am more free spirited where as she tends to be the proper and materialistic social type. I didn't feel a strong bond with her and she thinks she is better than most people. I don't have a sister and don't have as large a social circle as her so I was excited about them getting married but later decided to keep my distance. I was respectful but not overly attached to her. In fact, I gave them their space. I didn't want her to feel threatened by me in anyway as the "sister-in-law". I wanted them to be happy.

One time we went to a family function and while I was sitting next to my SIL she asked why I was in my own bubble and didn't socialize with her more and instead socialized with my younger brother's girlfriend who wasn't even serious with him. My younger brother's GF wasn't at the event; she meant this in general. The girlfriend was closer to my age and we were both unmarried and in our twenties, we just clicked. My SIL really hurt my feelings and the real stab to the chest was when she said she was embarrassed to sit next to me because of my hair cut. (It was a hair cut gone wrong, not intentional).

She's always made these catty comments that I have swallowed and ignored for my brother's sake. Including one where she interjected with a snide comment in a conversation I was having with my brother about my younger brother's girlfriend supposedly being my role model. I responded with "You are wrong," and I didn't continue the discussion with her and continued the discussion I was having with my brother. I just ignored her.

Most recently, she had a teething party for my niece. She mentioned it on a previous get together we had with family and said she wanted to do something small and with close family. So my brother called me and our side of the family on the day of the event half an hour before the event. HALF AN HOUR! I COULDN'T EVEN SHOWER TO GET THERE ON TIME LET ALONE BUY A GIFT!

Obviously, I was really upset and decided not to go. I later found out that there was a lot of preparation for the teething party and she must have planned it at least a few days before the event took place. All of her immediate family (and spouses and nieces and nephews) were there. They had prepared for the event in advance- you could tell just by looking at the photos, their dress, and the multitude of gifts they had gotten her. I went over a few days later with a bunch of gifts and a card and took a bunch of pictures with my niece so she understood that this child has an extended family that she can't shut out, she was still at work when I had gone over. I hope she sees the pictures I took on her camera of my participation.

I asked my brother later what had happened and why our side of the family was an afterthought. He said he forgot to invite us and it was his fault. I asked him why he didn't forget to call his wife's side of the family. He then responded with "she called them a few days ago." I was livid. Why hadn't she just called us too? Isn't that part of the marriage process to "marry two families" not just two people?

She didn't even call or think about us. Then when he mentioned it to her she played it off as if she was upset at my brother as well for not calling. She didn't even take any accountability or apologize on their behalf.

I need to become a heartless B just to deal with her! We have a bridal shower coming up and I am not looking forward to seeing her. And I am tired of dealing with her in a rational way. I want revenge! I know it's not right, but I have been working with a clear conscience all this time and it is NOT WORKING!

Please someone tell me what is wrong with this narcissistic lunatic SIL that I have? What the heck am I suppose to do to get this under control, it will only continue!

on a side note: I get along fabulously with my BF's sister. No problems...

**auntie_awesome** · 11-16-2010 11:08 PM

Perhaps she comes from a family where in-laws simply are not close. My mom and dad never socialized or talked on the phone with their in-laws and for the first 5+ years of our relationship I really had nothing to do with them. It wasn't until his mother could literally stand outside our door that I had to try to be nice and friendly. For events, I call my family, my husband calls his. I don't answer the phone when his family calls, I hand it to him to answer and he does the same to me.

Perhaps she is noticing the fact that you are being snarky, which is evident by the comment you made "I went over a few days later with a bunch of gifts and a card and took a bunch of pictures with my niece so she understood that this child has an extended family that she can't shut out" She shouldn't have to apologize for everything simply because she married into your family. She still has to get used to all of you also and that can take years and years.

I would have zero interest in my SIL if she ever considered behaving that way, decided to trash me to my husband, or never explained herself to me and just ignored me instead. Perhaps it is an age difference. Likely you need to back off and let her come to you to attempt to be friendly.

**BasketCase** · 11-16-2010 11:56 PM

Perhaps she is uncomfortable with your family for one reason or another. I was terribly uncomfortable with my fiances family at first. They are so unlike my family it's unreal. Thus I kept my distance for a while. But after the engagement and wedding plannig they have been amazing. I just needed to get to know them better. I can't justify the snide comments. Perhaps she got the feeling early on that you didn't like her, and has been defensive and catty since. Try doing something together, just the two of you. Be honest with her and maybe she will be honest with you. At least try before you completly dismiss her. I know that's difficult but you have to deal with her, might as well be civil about it.

**KMonte85** · 11-17-2010 07:08 AM

From what you've written, I feel you both are responsible for the downturn that your relationship has taken with your SIL.

You said yourself when they first got married, you were uncomfortable with her, you weren't friendly with her, didn't feel a bond and avoided her.

...not a good way to win a place in someone's heart. Obviously she noticed your cold shoulder, flat out asking you why you don't socialize with her at your family function. Granted, doing so at a family function was ill-timed, but it shows that she does see it, and she cares enough to ask. She should have waited until a better time to talk, but it was a missed opportunity for you two to put your cards on the table and express your feelings about what's wrong.

Her catty comments aren't acceptable. Most likely out of frustration and a bad defense mechanism, but still inappropriate. And if she's snarky and pretensious like you say, I can see that being irritating. But people like that can easily be shut down when their comments get out of line with a few well thought out comments of your own. Problem fixed, at least temporarily. You don't have to love your SIL's personality, that is unrealistic, but you two should come to some agreement that you're different, but will choose to be respectful of one another.

Your neice's party was your brother's fault. It is not SIL's responsibilty to call everyone, if they agreed that she would call her family and he would call his. He took responsibility for that, apologized to you, SIL expressed her disappointment with him dropping the ball. But you still expect her to apologize to you as well, for not expecting that her husband would forget to call his own family? A bit far fetched. And you going over there and staging pictures with her camera out of spite was not the best response on your part either... a bit passive aggressive.

So from out an outsider's perspective, I can see that she may have a difficult personaility and I can't fault you for not wanting to be her best friend. But that's not an excuse to act coldly towards her either. All that does is fuel the fire, gives her an excuse to be catty, and creates a rift in the family. You probably don't see her much, so slap on a smile when you do see her, be cordial and friendly for the few hours you're in each other's presence.. it's the grown up thing to do, it's not going to kill you, and you'll probably see a big difference in the way she acts towards you as well.

**orchiddreams** · 11-17-2010 06:36 PM

Thank you for your posts.

To add to my earlier post and respond to some of those contributed above:

My SIL may feel uncomfortable, but it's been five years into the marriage now. Her behavior toward other members of the family, whether her family or my family is not at all like the one she "shares" with me. She is not snarky toward them whatsoever. I don't know what she has against me.

I've also thought she is the baby of her family and is used to being doted on. I don't dote. I just don't treat her like she's God's gift to the world. I don't expect her to do the same for me, but at least she can be civil.

My brother may be at blame here as well, I think he is not standing up for his family. He doesn't defend me in anyway. I understand that she is his wife, but he has seen her mistreat me and he doesn't say a word. I don't expect him to defend me all the time, and put her down- she is his wife. However, I don't think I deserve that kind of treatment. I feel like if I say a word I am putting their relationship at risk. If I don't say anything, I get walked all over.

On a side note, they have not made any effort to get to know my BF. And she has gone so far as to meddle in whether or not I should be dating him.

There is definitely some animosity here. I feel like she wants me to stay single either as a punching bag for her frustration or for me to kiss the ground she walks on.

What's the deal. Is my perspective skewed here?

**KMonte85** · 11-18-2010 06:58 AM

There's no reason you need to give her the white glove treatment. She's your brother's wife, not a princess. Not that you need to be rude to her, but try being friendly.

If she's not acting that way towards the other members of the family, it tells me that she's harboring hard feelings against you - and (from the small amt I know about your situation) I think it might have come from the beginning of your interactions, the aloofness you had towards her. First impressions are often lasting impressions, and we all know how things can snowball when they get off on the wrong foot. I really think that's what happened here with you and her. Its been 5 years, but no one has really tried to change.

Try being friendly with her (yeah, I know you'd probably rather pull your teeth out with a pliers, but just TRY!). You don't have to go into deep conversations, but be friendly - talk about superficial things, ask her whats new and show interest and approval for something she's working on and is proud of.

If she throws in some catty comment, deflect it. If she comments about how your brother's gf is your role model, just say "huh, well I like her, but I wouldn't go THAT far, so hey - how's that ___(insert mundane subject here)___ going for you?"

Worst case scenario, nothing changes. But at least you can say you've tried. Best case scenario, she starts being nicer with you as she is with the other members of your family and you both can move on being cordial, but not necessarily best friends.

Are you doing anything for the upcoming holidays? If so, this may be your perfect opportunity to try this out...