Thread: Can't seem to get over daddy

I probably should have gone to the introduce yourself section first, but I need to get this out.

I have spent a lot of my adult life (I am 30, so the last 12 - 14 years) working on my abandonment issues, and so far so good. I love myself, I have a wonderful partner to whom I am engaged and we have a beautiful 6 yr old boy. So there is a lot of positive progess, yet my dad can still reduce me to tears with one comment.

My folks were young and not long together when I came along. By the time I was 2 Dad had taken off to the other end of the country and within a year of that he had another little girl. He then had a boy to the same woman. Then he left her and the kids (not seeing them again) and decided to try again with a 3rd woman. Another brother and sister and a divorce later he was on his own again. A couple of years back now he re-married (no kids this time!). Since his last wedding he has gotten back in touch with his middle 2 kids.

In all that time, I pretty much only saw him for b'days and christamases. There were other occasional efforts but not much. Since leaving home I have tried to bridge the gap but the gap just seems to wide. He claims to be trying on his end but I just don't see it.

No matter how much I think I have gotten past my abandonment issues something triggers the tears again. The other day it was seeing a photo of my dad holding my sister as a baby on facebook. My first thought was so that's where he was when he should have been holding me. I don't know how to get past these unbidden emotional reactions.

Any advice would be great.

Maiden Mix,

Firstly the hugest hugz to you. I have been where you are .. Kinda ..
Actually, I was 24 when I found my father, I am now 55.

Kinda a Short story for a " Novelist of Life "

1950's

Birth Mother, oldest of 7...

Her mother divorced or was left or widowed 3 times ( My Gram)

1953.....

1954 ..

My Birth mother had a son, my oldest brother DD.
Then my birth father met and married her even though she had a child and was helping to raise her 6 siblings.. ( they ran off to Las Vegas for a weekend ).

They resided with my Grandmother for a year, my Father working, Grandmother working and " mother" staying home to take care of her 6 siblings & her Son..

Father got an offer to move to a State that had Jobs.... Asked my Mother ( I call BOB ) To move with him for a better Life. BOB said, no, she could not leave the Family ( her Siblings). Father moved, they divorced. And that was That..

Within a month of my Father leaving.. BOB had another man on the hook and they married .. ( Divorce back then was simpler especially when one was in one state & the other another State .. I was born 4 months after she Married this man and he knew she was Pregnant with me.. He accepted my older brother and myself .. I was given this mans name, they had a son the next year, ( my Baby Brother ). She, BOB, married twice after that, gave up a Baby girl for Adopton in the 60's. Had another son that she says " Died " at 10 days old .. we are looking 5 kids for her, had all of us been raised together..

I was very used to " Daddys or Fathers or Uncle this and Uncle that ", Step Brothers and blended families. But never knew my Real Father. All thru my childhood, I was told by my Grandma & Aunts ( Bob's sisters, BOB had stayed to help raise instead of going with my Father ), when I asked why I looked so different than my two half Brothers ? That I had a different father, before the one who gave me his name ..

This was very confusing, But to try and shorten this, At age 24 ( Me ) I had 2 children of my own, One needed Heart Surgery 9 Months old, I'd had Heart Surgery 4 years old in 1959... Anyway we needed medical Family History.. I called my Grandma & just asked her the TRUTH, was BK , the one on my Birth Certificate My Blood Father, if Not, did she know who was ?

Gram, then told me the 100% truth, BK was not my Father But BG was, she also admitted that he never knew of me, Did NOT abandon me and gave me the last known area that BG had moved to when BOB wouldn't go with him for the Job..

It is one of the very few times My Gram ever cried.. I then did some research ( harder in the days before Computers and Cell phones ) Found a man named BG in Arizona... Wrote a letter to a General Delivery {Post office in the Small Town.. Gave a Date of marriage, City of marriage, " BOB's " Maiden name. Month that he left and where She was Living before he moved to that State.

I Explained that I only needed to know any Heriditary Information on his side of the family, If and Only if.. The Info I had given him was Correct..

Gave My Phone # and sent him a Photo & my Grams Photo with BOB, from the year I was Born. About 13 days later I got a Call, A man asked if I was ( my name ) that had sent a Letter to BG in AZ.. ?
I replies Yes, and he Relpied " I'm Your Daddy "!!

Maiden Mix, I know this is a long reply to you and I am soooo trying not to Cry, But am.. Just writing this, Cramming in 55 years of Tears.. But there is a HAPPY ending here !!

I got to Meet & Love My Father for 20 Years.. He got to Meet & Love me & his 4 Grand children, born by me.. And he got to spend Time With My Grandomother and apologise to her for Leaving, and she was Apologising to him, for never saying anything about BOB being Pregnant with me..

10 plus years ago They Both passed Away and Both are waiting for the Next " Re~Union "...
BK & his wife of 30 years and my family are still in touch, My Baby Brother DK, BK's son, killed himself 5 years ago this Dec 27th, leaving 3 Girls and 2 Sons.

Do I miss my Father ? Do I think about what could have been, being raised by him & BOB together ? Hmmmmmmmm I I wouldn't have my Brother or my Aunties or the Experiences I now have.. IF they had stayed together..
*** My " Daddy " was not Just a Sperm Donor, the Man who gave me his Name was Not THE Sperm Donor and some of us still LOVE, even when we are all Lost...

And Life Goes ON !!! And So Shall YOU !! And YOURS !!!..