Family finances

**chaya** · 11-25-2010 08:08 PM

How many of you non working wives/girlfriends get involved in family fiances? I have been living with my fiance for almost 2 months and we will be married tomorrow. I have no idea how much money he makes, or how much he owes or has in the bank. I know he makes house payments, but don't know how much.

He has asked me if I needed money several times, I am still getting a living allowance from my father, who also pays all my school and medical expenses so I don't need any. After we are married, should I be involved in spending decisions and budgets? Does a stay at home wife get involved in these decisions? I don't know if I should bring up the subject or not.

When we were dating, he always took me to the most expensive restaurants and didn't seem to care how much it cost. Maybe he has a lot of money in the bank. I do have quite a bit, I got a generous allowance and always saved most of it for years. Should I let him know about this, I don't like to keep secrets. I'm just trying to say, I don't know what is right and what I should expect or what to do.

**jns** · 11-25-2010 08:32 PM

After getting married, any money earned is what is called community property. If that money is spent on such things as the mortgage, that portion of the house also becomes community property, if I understand the law correctly. The money you had prior to marriage and the portion of the house already paid for by your husband as well as all things acquired before marriage remain personal property of their respective owners. I believe gifts, such as from your father, remain personal property unless given to both.

People get defensive about money matters, so you may want to be careful about digging too deep, too fast. Many husbands turn over keeping track of bills to their spouses and let their spouses control their paycheck. Your saving of money shows that you are responsible with money. Sit down and do credit card and other bills together for a while. After some time, when you have determined his state of mind on the matter, consider taking over the whole situation, if you like.

Consider having him give you an allowance every week. It doesn't have to be large. He will feel that he is doing something and it sets a good precedent for the future, such as a case where you are pregnant or sick and cannot work and have no other source of funds. At the same time, realize if you are making good money and he is not working and has no funds, you should be doing the same for him.

**chaya** · 11-25-2010 09:00 PM

Originally Posted by jns

After getting married, any money earned is what is called community property. If that money is spent on such things as the mortgage, that portion of the house also becomes community property, if I understand the law correctly. The money you had prior to marriage and the portion of the house already paid for by your husband as well as all things acquired before marriage remain personal property of their respective owners. I believe gifts, such as from your father, remain personal property unless given to both.

People get defensive about money matters, so you may want to be careful about digging too deep, too fast. Many husbands turn over keeping track of bills to their spouses and let their spouses control their paycheck. Your saving of money shows that you are responsible with money. Sit down and do credit card and other bills together for a while. After some time, when you have determined his state of mind on the matter, consider taking over the whole situation, if you like.

Consider having him give you an allowance every week. It doesn't have to be large. He will feel that he is doing something and it sets a good precedent for the future, such as a case where you are pregnant or sick and cannot work and have no other source of funds. At the same time, realize if you are making good money and he is not working and has no funds, you should be doing the same for him.

What I really want to know, is it part of my wifely duties to be involved in family finances? At my home, my mother takes care of all the family finances, pays all the bills, pays for the living expenses, but she hasn't worked for years, since I was 3 years old. She gets her money from my fathers medical practice. He has a book-keeper for his business finances. I don't want to "dig" into what he might consider his personal business.

I know I should be keeping house, cleaning, doing laundry and cooking for him. They should hand out a wife's training manual with the marriage license. How else can someone like me know what is expected of her.

**lizzardb63** · 11-25-2010 09:28 PM

You're married now. You should know everything and vice versa. It's never a bad idea to btoh keep an eye on finances.

**Colorado** · 11-25-2010 11:26 PM

Yes Chisaki, you should be involved.
Do you have to be the sole person responsible for finances? No
Does he? No

As stated above, I have also turned over the finances to the wife; why?, because she is much better at it than I am. I've never been a frugal person, so though I did/do save as needed, I would never have a problem spending either. She is just more conscious of ensuring the proper amount gets where it needs to get, when it needs to get there. She enjoys doing this as she feels more part of the team, and it takes a lot of stress off of me.

So again, as stated above, get involved and work together on the finances until you have enough information to decide if it's a job you would like to take on.

**Maximus** · 11-26-2010 03:08 AM

Originally Posted by Colorado

Yes Chisaki, you should be involved.
Do you have to be the sole person responsible for finances? No
Does he? No

As stated above, I have also turned over the finances to the wife; why?, because she is much better at it than I am. I've never been a frugal person, so though I did/do save as needed, I would never have a problem spending either. She is just more conscious of ensuring the proper amount gets where it needs to get, when it needs to get there. She enjoys doing this as she feels more part of the team, and it takes a lot of stress off of me.

So again, as stated above, get involved and work together on the finances until you have enough information to decide if it's a job you would like to take on.

Same for me. I have delegated the family finances (daily and monthly expenditures) to my gf.
Simply I am just too busy, and not good with keeping track of all the papers.
We both have our private accounts, and have a common account for the family, and we have agreed on the amount we transfer on it to ensure we are fine.

As for knowing how much the other makes, for me it's not important. The most important is to know she is clean, and don't have huge debts that may cause severe problems to the household.
Her knowing how much I make helps her feel better or bad depending on the sequence of events lol

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-26-2010 03:36 AM

He has only asked you if you need help, he has expected to be the helping partner

I agree, that we as married couples should know what is what and plan for our future, we are married..

Ask him first what he sees in the future, should you both save, have a joint account, you'd like to contribute what is your goals, and talk about it..

**Seeker_Advice** · 11-26-2010 05:15 AM

Yikes! There is a lot to talk about here.

Unfortunately, I'm a slow typer so I always get timed out before I can post a reply.

There are NO SECRETS any more. You are married. Couples DO NOT KEEP SECRETS.

You should know everything about him, including his/your finances, his/your insurance, his/your retirement and where it's invested and why, etc., etc., etc.

Insurance is another HUGE thing that is often over looked. Both health insurance, life insurance and disability insurance. All three are very important.
Health insruance is probably first on the list. By now, he should have added you to his health insurance at work. You should know exactly what is covered and what is not. IF you have questions, and I hop you have LOTS of them, call the customer service number on the front of the insurance cards. YOU should have your own cards too.

PM me if you feel comfortable doing so, as I have lots of experience/knowledge dealing with insurance and how important all of it is.

Otherwise, ask lots of questions in this forum and go with your gut on the answers you receive.

Congratulations on your recent marriage.

**WildChild** · 11-26-2010 08:37 AM

Every couple is different. What is important is that you communicate openly with each other and agree on who will handle what. That includes cleaning, laundry and cooking - there is no reason that you should all of it, all the time. Right now that may work for you but later it may not. It's best if you can share these activities all along.

I used to work in financial services and it's amazing how many women have no idea about their finances. This is important and you should both sit down regularly and review where you are financially. You should have a plan as a couple. You should both know; how much debt you have and what it costs to service it, what all of your household expenses are, what savings and investments you have. You should have plans, both short and long term for future financial goals. Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 15, 25 years?

It may seem very early but now is the time to think about retirement savings. What kind of lifestyle do you want when that times comes? The earlier you start investing for retirement, the less you have to put in each month or year to get there. You should each have some unaccounted for spending money, it doesn't have to be a lot but it's important. You also need to look closely at how you both spend. Buying coffee or lunch out everyday can be a bigger drain on finanaces than many people realise. Look at it in terms of yearly expenditure, rather than daily or weekly.

Health coverage is important, especially with your diabetes. You should have life insurance too but TERM life insurance is the most affordable, avoid the so called whole life stuff - its a rip off. Having been ins licensed I can say this, if you need an explaination - read Suze Orman(the biggest "advantage" that whole life coverage has is in commissions to the agent). A must for both of you if you budget permits, is disability coverage it is the most likely to be used, an accident or illness such as cancer can put anyone at any age, into a situation of needed care and being unable to work, if your hubby's work offers it, get it.

You never know what life will hand you. An accident, illness, or changing life situations, can cause the person who handles the budget to be unable to. If both aren't aware of the financial set up and needs, this can create a disaster. I've talked with many women who suddenly found themselves alone due to their husband's death or a divorce or illness, they had no idea what their resources were, what their financial obligations were, or what their assets were, they were clueless. You need to work together on this. Money is one of the biggest issues in relationship stress, or more accurately the lack of money or misuse of money.