Thread: Toxic daughter-in-law

I very seriously need urgent advice. My son and daughter-in-law and their 13 m/o son have just started living with us as they've moved 775km away from a country job back to this area. They are staying here because their house has a tenant until March, 2011 and my husband and I are going abroad for 12 months and needed somebody to mind the house (even though we had sitters arranged, we cancelled these to help our son and his family!) My d-i-l has poor lifeskills and now is having what I regard as a psychotic episode which is affecting everybody, especially their small son. She has left the house today with 3 nappies, the child with a dirty face and no shoes and winter clothes (its 30 degrees celcius here!) heading 4 hours away up the country to her mother's place. She told me today she can't stay here with us because I took her to task last night for bringing the baby home (she was out of contact 36 hours and god knows where) with sunburn, dehydration and in winter clothes. She refuses to accept any personal responsibility and I've told my son they can't stay here any longer because she needs urgent Psychiatric help and she's just plain toxic. My huge fear and concern is the welfare of the child, since my d-i-law has never had any lifeskills whatsoever. I'm worried that should they stay here whilst we are in Europe she won't lock the house up when she goes out, won't close the windows in a storm and will leave all the lights burning day and night. It is untenable. My house-sitters are gone now and we only have under 5 weeks before going. How can I leave the country with my grandson at risk? Help please!! I blame my son for choosing a wife with known mental instability.

Thanks Jaded Queen for that advice. My son was living in the country 8 hours' drive from here and returned to this area because he wanted a new job with less hours. Now I think it is also because of his wife. Yes, my son has responsibility and he's been denying that recently with what he says, "not my problem" etc. I have hit the roof and said it IS his problem. He was at work 12 plus hours every day and didn't see her rank incompetence. He has often complained of her being "apathetic", "impractical" and a range of other things. In short, she has no idea (would you believe she got a double degree in law!!??) Her parents were dysfunction and the mother is an earth-mother, Pollyanna type of enabler. Father had mental/cannibus problems. I wanted Andrew not to touch her with a 20 foot pole - too late now. I remember a few years ago, when they were living together, him telling me she went psycho and threw furniture of the the windows in a rental place, smashing them. I was very concerned that the relationship continued to the altar!! She seems an empty person - devoid of a personality of her own and without opinions. People have commented on this. My son liked her sweet vulnerability and softness, but it was really a major weakness - especially now with a child. Anybody could sell her anything or talk her into anything. Today on the phone from work my son told my husband (who has been wonderful, feeding the child and cooking for him) that he'll get "an order" if she can't do the right thing by the child. We live in a beautiful house in a wealthy area and, yes, we are very concerned about our assets. When I confronted my d-i-l about the sunburn she smiled in a sick way and accepted no responsibility for it. Today I've been suffering migraine and vomiting from worry - what will happen whilst we are away and my son (a winemaker) is doing a vintage 14 hours plus per day in January/Feb/March? It's a desperate situation. Her own mother is in total denial - she's the type to bake a cake, sit around and say everything is fine. Today the child was offered WATER for breakfast whilst my d-i-l attended to her own needs!! This is a recent development but, because of the weight of the child and his general unhappiness, I fear lots has been unravelling behind our backs in the country. In September he was here following his mother around on all 4's. At the time I commented to my husband, "this baby is hungry". I'm distraught and want nothing at all to do with her, but I will provide whatever material/financial support to my son to help with this - we have the resources, both financial and emotional. She smiled like a mad relation yesterday telling me "I'm a good mother". Well, if that means carrying your child around 24x7 on your hip without keeping house, washing clothes, providing food and stimulation what the does the term mean? She has gone downhill slowly since she finished breastfeeding and was required to actually think about, shop and prepare meals. The woman is also dead lazy. I have been on to welfare organizations and my son is also ringing around. Thanks again.