How is this okay?.......I'm going to need some serious convincing....

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-28-2010 06:17 PM

and possibly a reincarnation into a person with no heart in order to feel okay about this.

I posted a few months ago about my Grandpa who has dementia. A few months ago, one of my aunts took him off his dementia medicine because she said he was having stomach problems as a result of it (Aricept). He took a vast turn for the worse during this time, and it became obvious the medicine was doing more then she had given it credit. She put him back on the medicine, though never admitted she believed it had caused his turn for the worse. Although my grandma is still living, she can't take care of him by herself so my mom stays there during the days and her sisters switch up the nights. One of her sisters and one brother (who never does ANYTHING to help) have advocated since he went downhill for him to be put in a home. My mom said she would absolutely not agree to that while he still remembers, knows where he is, and knows my grandma. He's VERY attached to my grandma, and talks all the time about how much he loves her and his home. He worked so hard to take care of her and their 6 children, and it's because of him that they now live comfortably. My mom has no problem taking care of him but even suggested that if the other two sisters do, they could consider hiring some in-home help for the evenings and nights since money isn't an issue and they have good insurance. Her sisters would not agree to this. Moms perspective is, this is a temporary situation, he's 84, he's gone downhill alot in the past year, and this is the least they can do to make this time in his life comfortable for him.

So now I find out one of the sisters talked to his doctor about taking him off his Aricept so he'd progress into his dementia to the point he'd be unaware of them moving him to a home. So this is their plan. My mom is just sick about it...and so am I. Mom had previously said "lets keep him at home until he gets to the point he doesn't know where he is and doesn't know mom and then look at homes for him"......so this is their way of MAKING that happen. I'm angry and hurt over this. I'd give anything to be able to care of my dad, but he's gone. They have theirs, and they (not my mom, the others) want to deprive him of the medication that keeps him feeling good so they don't have to deal with it anymore. It feels so wrong in my heart....and my heart when I TRULY listen to it doesn't often fail me. But if they (who are nurses) want this, and they have gotten my grandma to agree, then there's nothing my mom and I can do. I just can't sit back and pretend this is ok. I'm so angry about this...and most of all hurt.

**JustHormonious** · 12-28-2010 07:48 PM

BD - This is not OK!!! My MIL has Alzheimer's and I know from talking with her doctors, once taken off the Aricept for any amount of time it would be useless to start her back on it. How could his children, and his doctor for that matter agree to deprive him of the medicine needed? This is wrong on so many levels. Don't sit back BD have your say... I'm very sorry for you and your mother.

Your family also needs to read the fine print, most people lose their home and savings after being placed in a home. Then who will care for the grandmother?

**WildChild** · 12-28-2010 08:20 PM

Can you talk with your Grandmother about this? Could it be that this has taken such a toll on her that she is needing more relief?

Yes you do need to look at what happens if he is placed in a home. Unless they have a long term care policy, he will probably be on Medicare. They will require payment until assets are reduced to required levels. If they have investments, a retirement fund, a vacation home, their own home, this will affect your grandmother very directly.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-28-2010 08:49 PM

Just Hormonious - Ugh...that's how my mom and I feel about it. How could this even be considered an option?! This is their FATHER. It's a small town, my aunts are nurses, so they're in with his doctor....and well you know how that goes. I'm just sickened by it, to the core of me.

WC - My grandma is 87 but different than most 87 year olds. She's very mentally youthful....and she views his condition as in some way "holding her back". Though in reality, it's not, she just doesn't want to deal with it. She sees in (in my opinion selfishly) as that she's 87 and realistically doesn't have many years left and shouldn't have to spend any more of her life dealing with this. But this is her husband of 60+ years. And since he went downhill, my grandma has had one of her daughters there literally 24/7 taking care of everything so that SHE doesn't have to. The comparison I made when talking with my mom about it is, my grandma requires very expensive shots every two weeks due to a form of luekemia she has where her body doesn't produce enough red blood cells. If something happened to her tomorrow where she became physically unable to drive herself to get her shots, that would be like her kids making the decision that they're just going to stop taking her and let her deplete herself into death. Ugh.

**WildChild** · 12-28-2010 09:03 PM

I agree that it is repugnant. Have you talked with an attorney?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-28-2010 10:11 PM

What's their honest motive, that it's ruining their life, then stop them caring for him, bring in a carer....

I find it discusting and it will cause a huge rift between your family, your Grandmother would be doing it to keep the peace, of the family, knowing the efforts put in and feeling that she has to....

Surely an outside carer in addition can be organised and your Aunts can go about their lives.

CW

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-29-2010 12:38 AM

I have always admired my grandmother very much and she's a great woman........but she has not shown her best side during this. My mom who is in their home 8-10 hours every day says that her biggest work is dealing with my grandma. Grandma feels very resentful of this situation, and won't agree to much of any help. Mom has been suggesting in home care now for 3 months since the initial "we think he needs to be put in a nursing home" thing. My grandma said she didn't want that. Basically, mom has found a solution for everything that has been complained about, but my Grandma or one of moms sisters disputes it. For instance, my Grandma said she just couldn't handle the lack of sleep any longer (because he wakes up sometimes during the nights) so Mom suggested moving his bed (they sleep in twin beds but in the same room) into the guest bedroom so that she wouldn't have to be woken up from her sleep. She said no. They even suggested moving him down to my aunts house who lives right down the road so they could take care of him there, she declined. So it's been difficult to deal with her in this. She has been hinting since back when this started 3 months ago that she wants him out of the house. But she's never just flat out told them she wants him in a home.

We have not spoken with an attorney. I just found out about the idea to take him off his medicine this evening. It disgusts me. Mom says she will not let this happen without a fight....but I'm not sure she's mentally or physically up to a legal battle with her family. They're all very close. I really don't know what she'll do. But I know it's going to be hard for me to sit back and see this happen. We have our family christmas get together this weekend. My grandpa won't be attending of course, and most likely my mom will be the one to stay home with him to take care of him...she doesn't mind. But it's going to be hard for me to wear a smile over this. If they do this, I don't know I'll ever be able to forgive them. They're my family, I love them.......I don't want that. But my God...how could you even consider depriving your own father of the medication that keeps him feeling good, just so YOU don't have to deal with it anymore? It's not like the medicine is going to cure him, or prolong this for years to come....Aricept won't stop the dementia. The taking care of him is temporary....a sacrifice my mom is happy to make right now for her father. Take him off of it and watch him deteriorate so you can put him in a home without it breaking his heart!? Words can't describe how that makes my heart feel.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-29-2010 03:20 AM

Well, your going to hate me for this, but, it doesn't sound like your Grandma is being co-erced, rather stuck between the lot of you..

Your Mum hasn't let go 8hrs is a huge responsibility...Your Grandma can't cope with that, it's her house and she can't look after him, more than likely she wants peace, her space, her life, and not a wad of family there, let alone a stranger, as she's old fashioned....

They are both fighting it...He wants to stay, she wants no more of this, peace...and sleep as well...visiting him...she's tired... of it all....people in her home....

I'm not sure of the solution but hating her is not it....

Take yourself out of this, view it from her side ....Honestly, ulitmately, it's her decision, choice,I can only hope posters can find a solution to an elderly lady, being "proud" because that I suspect is the real problem...She can't do it and she doesn't have her house either, others are there 24/7 better to let him go, ...no one is viewing how she is coping .....and being old fashioned, taking care, her home, their home, all lost.

CW

**KMonte85** · 12-29-2010 07:42 AM

BD, I can't offer much advice to you. It is a difficult and delicate situation, one that many families struggle with when a matriarch or patriarch is reaching the end of their days. Our family has dealt with it a few times, I have friends in this struggle right now. Although each of their situations are unique a9s is yours) the hurt, frustration, and guilt are always present.

I can only tell you that I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-29-2010 09:52 AM

CW - she's very much a martyr. MY grandma that is. The whole reason my mom stays there during the day is to take the work of my grandma so that they can both live comfortably. I see what you're saying regarding people being in her home, but why can't she see it that she is 87 years old, she TOO requires medical attention, something could happen to her to cause her to by physically feeble any day.......how would she want to be treated? I know that having herself deprived of the medicine that makes it possible for her to enjoy what life she has left is not what she'd want. I do know that.

My cousin and I, and my mom and I have talked in depth about my grandma's perspective in this. In the beginning, I took up for her, "this is really hard on her, she's losing her husband" etc etc etc...... but after 3 months of her refusal to let mom do anything to really make the situation easier, it's becomes harder and harder for me to do. I know she loves him, but she seems to be mainly concerned with herself at this point. I could never hate her, never.... but this has been going on for 3 months, not 3 years....it's temporary. He will naturally, on his own progress into dementia to the point mom will feel comfortable for him to be put in a home. He's not there yet, and it seems inhumane to force him into that state by depriving him his medicine. You're talking about a man who fought in WWII, a man who then travelled hours to work day in and day out to support his family, a man who LOVES his wife (and tells her how much he loves her and worships the ground she walks on pretty much every day) more unconditionally than I've ever seen anyone love before, a man who is very attached to his home, a man with pride, a man who deserves more than 3 months of care from his family.

If it here her (my grandma) in this situation, I know wholeheartedly this is NOT what she'd want, and this is not how her children would choose to handle it. They treat her differently, because she was always around when he was gone off working. Her medical needs, emotional needs have always been treated differently. But I believe "Do unto others as you'd have done to you". And I hate what they want to do to him just to make it easier on themselves.

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