sisters in law and his family

**mrsent** · 12-30-2010 05:59 AM

hallo,

i have been married 2 and a half years and i am 26 years old. i love my husband and we are enjoying our marriage, we do not have any children yet .
i have a big problem with my sister in law my husbands immediate young sister, who is married with 2 children one adopted ( her husbands niece) and another their own. just a back ground on my sister in law: i knew her from the time i was a kid we used to stay in the same street and were good friends before i met her brother. after 7 years i met her brother and we liked each other we started a relationship and became strong and married 5 years latter. i was a maid of honor at her wedding and maintained a good relationship before i and the brother ( my husband married.)
its now almost 3 years in marriage and something happened which has made me stop talking to my sister in law. my client was looking for an assistant and i recommend her since she had always been a house wife which she very much complained about,she was employed but never said thanx, that aside 3 months latter she came to my work place to talk to me..................she suspected i had an affair with her boss and wanted to clarify i did clarify this asking her why she suspected she told me because she has never worked before never went to college and wondered why this man can employ her, besides he used to speak highly and positively of me. We both agreed it was just her suspicions which were not true i emphasized that we speak to him as well as my husband about it she advised i should never tell my husband as it would ruin her relationship with him. not knowing i agreed and we left it at that
a few weeks latter my husband came home very annoyed and screaming on top of his voice, it so happened that my father in law was aware of this issue and decided to talk to her son, she also told her 3 brothers and 2 elder sister but never told me or my husband. she went to my father in law ( whom traditionally in our African culture we very much respect and rarely talk to) and told him false things about me and the same issue with her boss... . that i sleep with her boss and so he gave her a job but since he is no longer interested in me he fired her....this was not true and such things so untrue and very embarrassing to say to my father in law.
i spoke to my husband and we called the gentleman (my client also her boss) and he settled the matter we produced phone conversations, sms, emails etc to prove her wrong, he also mentioned she is lazy , unprofessional, not respectful to him. and nt willing to lean so he fired her. my husband heard all this but well he never said anything instead expected me to continue tolerating her and pretending nothing happened.i said nothing abt it to her but instead decided to keep a distance.
he says am being bad by stopping to talk to her, but she has never apologized for making her family think am a person who sleeps around, never made an effort to incite a conversation with me.so the whole family thinks am a band woman and that i sleep around, my husband knows the truth but has never done anything about it, he says lets leave it to time people will know and realise who is a lier.
this is not working for me and i need advice on how i should treat them.

regards,

Mrsent

**mrsent** · 12-30-2010 06:12 AM

one other thing i did not mention, when we were dating ( hubby and i) she told me straight to my face ........" i have never trusted or accepted any woman in my brothers life, i wish i were the one marrying him you are so lucky to have him."
When we go out at other occassions funerals or weddings she request to partner with him hold hands and never gives me chance to be with him, i cant ask whats is rightfully mine so i expect my husband to see this when i mention to him all he says is you hate her.
then she never visis my place when am around but when i go for work she goes home cooks, watch TV etc and makes sure she leaves without telling me.
she spends late nights chatting with my husband atleast 3 - times a week bt never calls me, they make plans to have lunch or meet up for a drink without me.is this really fair.

Am i in the wrong, should i go apologize to her forever she hates me for just to create peace. its getting to me a lot such that i even think of leaving my marriage and be independent from them.

**WildChild** · 12-30-2010 09:15 AM

Wow she sounds like she is a little confused and in love with her own brother. It's good to love your family but not romantically.

Can you sit down with your husband and talk quietly when you are both calm and remind him of what good freinds you and his sister used to be and of how much you love him and that you want the respect of his family. Tell him how much this hurts you and ask him to speak with his father. I'm guess that in your culture if his father says this matter is over and was a misunderstanding, that will pretty much end it?

This is a time when things are changing. the old traditional ideas are being challenged by new lifestyles. It can be really hard to balance between generations different ideas and expectations, especially for women. We tend to get the short end of the stick in traditional cultures.

I hope you can get this resolved.
Good luck.

**mrsent** · 12-31-2010 03:45 AM

thank you just hearing that someone actually read my post makes me feel better and seems to give me confidence to face my husband and talk to him about it.

thanx again

**jns** · 12-31-2010 09:02 AM

A case of no good deed ever goes unpunished. To help with harmony in the family, be cordial with her, but don't get into long conversations. Find excuses for getting out of functions together except for family gatherings. Don't try to help her out in the future, such as finding her another job, because your motives will be questioned. As WC said, she seems to think romantically about her brother, your husband. Trust your husband not to respond in a way that leads to incest.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-31-2010 06:58 PM

Your husband is trying to keep the peace, however, leaving it for time, and the truth shall be revealed concept is true, but not at the expense of someone else.

You are being "left out" as family, and this won't help your relationship with your husband..You'll feel resentful.

His family have heard from my understanding, that via) voice/text/email - she was lazy, dis-respectful, not willing to learn and fired.... What did your boss state, as to why he hired her? Because, purely and simply you recommended her? That's enough reason I'd give it a go as an Employer if someone I trusted suggested someone, no advertising or going through interviews.Works, it works if not, it doesn't nothing lost but a little time.

I suspect she may have questioned why you got her that job, knowing she hadn't worked, been to college, in her mind, as she could see she was losing that job, how does she tell her husband, she's not good enough to keep one, he's happy with extra income..So her mind wonders and she's angry, and this thought pops in her mind of you must have slept with him, that's her ticket as to why she was fired, after all they are family they will believe her, but I suspect it stemmed from why you got her the job and she honestly thought that, but then used it, to save face....

In my opinion, his family having heard why she was fired, must be able to put two and two together, not good enough...But, maybe, you have to explain your "good intentions" and that perhaps you were wrong with your judgement throwing her in the fire, with something she can't/couldn't do...I think that may seriously be her reasons for all she did, and if you said that in front of all the family, then they have nothing on you at all, that being, you did something for her, not realising the end result but did it to help, and your sorry it didn't work.....The family would have to in my opinion feel bad over it all after that type of statement...

Her love for her brother is not normal...He needs to see that and not allow her to cook any more for him or attend holding hands, gatherings, he needs to see it is a crush like any other one and not healthy and certainly not acceptable for you to play second fiddle, your his wife.

CW

**mrsent** · 01-03-2011 12:00 AM

wise words and advice from you people . . . i guess i have to realize whats mine and not give room for other. and that includes my husbands relatives.
thank you so much.

**mrsent** · 01-06-2011 03:15 AM

this week i got a text message from my sister in Law who after 1 year of me ignoring her and her pretending she doesnt care about what had happened wel she said said.....'' i do not like the way things happened, i would like that we talk things out. please advice when free then we can talk."
I dont know what she wants to say and whome she has invited or what she means...but i agree with her totally we need to resolve this tension, however i am reluctant to respond to her text and agree to meet her . . because i feel like i should just pour out my heart and tell her off on each and every thing she does that i do not like..i may ruin the whole idea of talking things out. i want her to stop coming to my home when am away to cook for my husband...her to stop trying to take my place every time we at functions...you know even small things as her opening my fridge and getting the chocolates or ice-creams and wines my husband got for me..imagine how serious this is...
please advice i was hurt and would like to let her know how can i put it in a nice way...at least not to cause more......Tension again.

Help please

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-06-2011 03:49 AM

It's time to be VERY strong..

A guilty person usually finds a way to in my opinion, find a coniving way to show good faith....

You are coming between your husband and her, she's infactuated,a good plan make friends with you, and only based on what you have told us....

STRENGHT........

Your his sister, off course we should all get along....He's married now it's our house, you need to respect our house, time and what's in it.....Invite my husband to yours for dinner but this is sacred to me, my home, and I hope you understand.............

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