First ever issue with in-laws

**MSki** · 01-31-2011 10:39 AM

Hi! It's my first time here. I'm in desperate need to get some advice and/or to vent.

I am 41 and married for the first time this past October. I have a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship and my husband has 2 kids and is divorced (his kids live with their mom). Let me first say that I love my in-laws but yesterday I got a reality check.

My husbands sister has 2 children. Her son is 13yrs old and gets along very well with my daughter. My daughter is thrilled to have cousins as there are none on my side of the family. We have Alec over our house often and my daughter stays at their house often. A couple weeks ago, my daughter was over Alec's house and his girlfriend was texting him nonstop. Alec handed my daughter his cell phone and my daughter typed in one phrase "kbye" as she was getting frustrated because they were trying to play a game. I was not happy with her comment and the fact that she used his cell phone. However, I didn't think this was serious enough to cause WWIII. Later on, Alec came back to my house with my daughter and left his cell phone at home. Well, when he mother found his cell she went through his text messages and was furious at the comment "kbye" because Alec's girlfriend took offense to it. Let me just interupt my story here and say that Alec never texted his girlfriend after my daughter's comment to say it was or was not him making that comment. In any case, Alec's mother sent the grandmother over our house to pickup Alec immediately. I spoke with my daughter about 1) using someone else's phone and 2) about the fact that her comment was disrepectful.

Fast forward a couple weeks and we ask Alec if he wants to sleep over. Alec tells us that he can't stay at our house anymore because his mother feels my daughter is a bad influence on him. When asked if he ever said that to us, Alec lied to his mother and said that he never spoke those words. Alec said it directly to my husband and my daughter. My daughter is now being called a liar as they claim she is making up the whole story - they just don't get it that my husband also was present when the comment was made. My daughter is beside herself over this because she can't seem to put the pieces together...why are they making her out to be a monster?

We were invited to a birthday party at the in-laws this past weekend and politely bowed since now I know they don't want my daughter around my nephew and they feel she's a liar. Well, my husband and I both received a nasty phone call from his sister calling us every name in the book. We surprisingly both remained calm and level-headed as we listened to her berate us and my daughter. She has also now convinced my mother-in-law that my daughter is the problem with the family. My daughter who babysits the sister-in-laws youngest boy (2yrs) old and has been told that "she's wonderful". Oh, she's also cleaned the sister-in-laws house with no complaining..she loved spending time there. The sister-in-law also told me that she feels I'm coming between her and my husband's friendship. This, of course, is ridiculous because I have never, nor will I ever, stopped my husband from helping her out or from visiting.. I love the fact that he's close with his sister. I reminded her that I am married to him. In any case, she has forbidden us from ever going to their house and we are not permitted to be around her children. This breaks my heart because I love her children and I love the fact that we have all gotten along so well. Although, in hindsight, it seems they've always treated my daughter a little differently.

Sorry this is so longwinded. I'm so happy that I have a supportive husband who is not letting them step all over us. He says that I have now seen the "real" side of them.

Any advice, did I over react by not going to the party? I just couldn't see myself acting happy knowing that my daughter was being blamed for all of the issues.

Thanks for letting me vent!

~MSki

**pretzel** · 01-31-2011 11:13 AM

That your husband was present is a good thing. That he didn't say anything to his sister or his mom is a different story. That, I'm afraid, is more the problem than what your daughter did regardless of the fact she shouldn't have done it. What she did was a pretty typical teenager thing, I wouldn't get too involved in that. It's part of them growing up that there are reactions to their own actions. Let them handle it.

As for your in-laws, I think another fact is that yes, your daughter will always be treated differently. That I'm afraid is an unfortunate reality of blended families. It takes a bigger person to accept someone else's children and that always doesn't happen.

I don't think you were wrong to not go to the party as there would have been the resentment that could have boiled over. But it was also a chance to set the record straight in front of everyone which your husband could have easily done. It sounds to me like he didn't defend your daughter as he could have because he knew that his sister and mother would have acted in the manner they did.

Personally, I think your husband could have been more supportive and could have set the record straight from the beginning.

**MSki** · 01-31-2011 12:10 PM

Thank you, Pretzel, I appreciate your feedback.

I should have added that my husband adamantly supported my daughter and tried to set the record straight. The problem is that neither his sister nor his mother will listen. They just think my daughter is a problem over this issue. We even asked if there is something else she did that we don't know about because it seems ridiculous, but they keep going back to the text. My husband took the brunt of the issue and ended up getting into it with his sister while he was defending my daughter. There's not much more he could have done.. he was wonderful.

**pretzel** · 01-31-2011 12:21 PM

I'm sorry to hear that. It's good that your husband did what he did.

It's a shame your daughter and nephew are the ones who'll end up being the victims. Yeah, they were stupid and what they did was stupid, but you're right, it wasn't a big deal. At least not one that should have elevated to this degree.

**asiangrace** · 01-31-2011 05:58 PM

Wait, this is all because your daughter sent a text that said, "kbye"???? Please correct me if I am wrong. It seems like the in-laws have over-reacted to a horrible degree. They are acting like high schoolers. It is not like your daughter spread slander or sent a racist or berating text message. Granted, "kbye" is a 'rude' message but it could have so easily been cleared up! Alec could have sent his girlfriend a message clarifying that it was not him but his cousin. This is not something at all for the in-laws to get their tails ruffled up about! Seriously!

I am so glad that you have a supportive husband!!! Too many husbands nowadays let their families walk all over their wifes. Kudos to him for sticking by your side and kudos to you for defending your daughter. She is NOT a liar.

Your in-laws sound like they must have a lot of personal issues. No one in their sane mind reacts like that to a simple text message like that. It seems like they were just looking for a reason to be angry with you guys, so anything no matter how big or small, was going to set them off.

They are the ones with the problem, not you!

I am just appalled over your in-law behavior and their reaction to the text message. They need to grow up and move on. It wasn't even between them! Argh!!!!!

**mrsent** · 02-01-2011 05:09 AM

i have had several problems with sisters in law and you know what i have concluded.
do not let their talking disturb your peace with your family ie your husband and children. . their main aim of complaining is because they want you to keep noticing their existence. and if you pay attention you certainly will irritate your family with their problems and may cause disturbance.
It is very difficult but please try to ignore them.
please check my post and see problems i equally go through with in laws . since i started ignoring them, my very troublesome sister in law apologized to me and even cried as she begged me to forgive her - also asked me to stop ignoring her because she loves me and my husband and will put herself in her place.
Now i have realized only time sets things straight so be patient and you will see how. they will miss your daughters presence as she baby seats, your support for them by tolerating their behavior and your husbands maturity in this whole affair.

i feel for you. take care of your family.

Mrsent