Really could use some advise

**busymom3** · 02-15-2011 09:19 PM

I am new to this site so here is my first posting. About 16 months ago I felt I met the man of my dreams, my soul mate. We kept our relationship hush hush for awhile before we had involved our kids. I have three boys aging from 4-15 and he has two, 13 and 15. Everything was fantastic until about 2 months ago. Money is such an issue to him and it drives me crazy. He has a very good career and lives well, I also work a full time job and school full time yet don't bring in what he does. I feel bad enough that I don't bring in close to what he does but I'm trying, and him constantly bringing it up makes me feel worse. The kids though are the bigger issue. His boys are very much spoiled and get whatever they want for nothing. They have no sense of responsibility, complete slobs. I know my kids aren't the cleanliest but I ride them when they don't pick up after themselves. My boyfriend treats the kids all very differently, he yells at my kids for the same things his boys do and yet doesn't say a word to them. I have made it a point to treat all the boys equally, yet I am starting to feel resentful to them because they know what's going on, and they play there dad. I have discussed it with him numerous times but he doesn't hear me. I don't expect him to be there father..but show them the respectas I do your sons. It'll never work if it stays like this and I very much love him and don't want to see it end.

**WildChild** · 02-16-2011 12:45 AM

Be careful, very careful. I had some similar warning signs, ignored them, married him and it was a disaster. You have to do what is best for your children. Period. And if he is this way about money don't be surprised if one day you are hearing how he pulled you out of the gutter.

**OregonGirl** · 02-16-2011 11:42 AM

Don't you dare let him treat your kids with less respect than he treats his own. If you want to be a family all of the kids need to be on equal ground or you need to drop him like yesterday's news. You don't deserve the stress and your kids don't deserve that kind of treatment.

You've been together for a year and a half, you guys are living together now (I assume) and your incomes should be considered combined. It's about time he moved past the "this is mine and that is yours and I made this and you made that" you're a household and it shouldn't be about who makes what. He should be happy that you are contributing to the best of your ability.

**stariana** · 02-16-2011 12:16 PM

Have you ever just plain come out and asked him why he treats the children so differently? And then waited for a reasonable answer? Maybe he just doesn't see it, and doesn't think it matters? I am in a relationship that is very similar, and would expect my boyfriend to treat my children just as he does his own. So far, so good..... but I am clear about the fact that my children come first, and always will..... always.

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-16-2011 12:21 PM

Hate to say it....

But it's time to go. It will NEVER get any better than it is right now.... IF you think it will, you are kidding yourself for the sake of what you "want it to be" and hurting your children for whom you are responsible.

If he was really your "soulmate", he wouldn't treat you the way that he does, wouldn't make a big deal out of the income he makes, wouldn't treat your children any differently then his own. You may think that he's your "soulmate" or you may want him to be, but based on his actions, he obviously doesn't feel the same way.

Holding money over your partner's head, or anything else for that matter, is NOT a "soulmate" but something far different.

I know what it's like to make significantly more money then the woman I am crazy about, because I live it everyday, and I could care less. Money means NOTHING unless you have someone else to share it with (IMO) just ask all of the (pigs) men that have decent incomes and nobody to share it with. They live lonely miserable lives.

NEVER ever settle for less than you and your amazing children deserve. No matter how painful it feels now, it will be far less painful then a life full of misery with a guy like that.

Sorry to be so blunt, but this really strikes a nerve with me.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-16-2011 03:38 PM

What do you bring to the table for him, comfortability? Someone there to feed his children? Sex? In-other-words, if he's griping about him making more money than you, your children not his, is it a relationship really, or is it, he wants "someone" in his life, at this point and time.

You say you believed he was your soulmate, define that, what was it / is it that you love?

A mum of 3, a knight comes through the door he can support you as well as you supporting himself, his kids are simular age to your eldest ones, he's charming, ........he's it.

Look beyond that... A lot of men whom are approaching late 30's or 40's have baggage from their marriage and honestly, still carry it, they only want someone in their lives, they can't open their hearts, until they are ready to move on and therefore allowing someone into their lives.

CW

**busymom3** · 02-17-2011 08:39 PM

I really do appreciate all the advise. I do want to say though that I maybe should have worded the yelling part differently. He more disciplines them which I agree cuz they need it, I wish though that he would do the same to his. My gosh do they need it. For the money that gives me a lot to think about. I don't expect him to completely support me, but if we are gonna be a couple it shouldn't be thrown at me all the time. Again I really needed the advise and do appreciate it. Gives me a lot to think about.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-18-2011 02:40 PM

It's still not equality...How can he discipline your children but not his?

And, why continue to throw money in your face, as if you can change that and earn more than he does.

I suspect he was burnt financially from his ex and unless he can get over that and realise that that's the past and your a different person, then the relationship will always go this way.

CW

**busymom3** · 02-18-2011 08:12 PM

I agree 100%, they should all be treated equally and if we are to be partners money shouldn't be such an issue. Also he was burnt by his ex with money and I know that's why he has issues. When they separated he had found out that he had no more money and was in debt cuz she gambled it all away. All I can do is show him that I'm not her and if he can't get over it then he'll have to live with that for the rest of his life cuz I won't.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-18-2011 08:16 PM

And, that your not there either, to make up for the monies she stole and gambled with

You know that type of baggage is very difficult to break...my ex was like that with finances, as he was ripped off by his ex, and an ex-girlfriend..I couldn't get it through to him, I wish you success.

I suggest that you make him feel comfortable that what's his is his, he's safe, however, from now on, you open a joint account and put monies together in there for day to day living, bills and holiday money, what's left over in his department is his...Make him feel safe...but tell him as well as the relationship progresses, one day, you will want to purely pull all your monies together .....in totality as relationships should be.

CW