let it go or bring it up?

**kel0887** · 03-05-2011 08:52 PM

In Nov 2009, my partner and I had our commitment ceremony. We had had our issues in the past, fights that got physically violent, yet had no fights for 6 months prior to our ceremony, and no fights since, and we don't even argue. Growing up, my older brother and I were so close, anywhere he went, I was sure to follow, and he was cool with that. He had known I was having a commitment ceremony, was invited, and didn't show up and didn't explain to me why he didn't show up prior to the event, and still to this day hasn't told me why he didn't show up. Caused a huge family fued. I was angry and upset that my best friend didn't show up. He wasn't the only one who didn't show up, I have an aunt and an uncle on my moms side, who are both married with kids, and neither one of the families showed up. Ok, so I wasn't upset with my uncle, my aunt had gotten sick and had to go to the hospital the night before, they were both apologetic, and I understood. My aunt however, said she had to work and that my uncle and my cousins would be there, however, no shows. That upset me. My grandma didn't show up, and we had gotten into a fight over my relationship a few weeks before, and I was totally devastated, as she was the one person that I was always closest to. Out of my moms side of the family, my parents were the only ones that showed up, however they were late because my dad had worked that day. My brother started dating a girl that I had worked with, and was friends with, back in 2004 or 2005. They will be getting married this year in either June or July in Florida on the beach. My whole family has taken off work to go to their wedding miles and miles away, whenever mine was just about 35 minutes away from each of their houses. Upsets me to the point that I don't want to talk to any of my family anymore. I feel extremely betrayed. Isn't family supposed to be there for you, and be happy for you? Should I let this anger and hurt go, or bring it up?

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-05-2011 09:14 PM

LET IT GO..... Anger is poison that slowly kills the person who is angry. Your being angry has no impact on any of the poeple you are angry with, they may not even be aware of it, yet it continues to eat away at you.

You have got to let it go (IMO).

BTW - "getting back" at your brother by not attending his wedding is not the answer either. This is not the "old west" and an eye for an eye BS. This is your family. Take the high road, that they were collectively unable to find, and attend your brother's wedding. Have a ball !!

Take the high road....Kill 'em with kindness!

**kel0887** · 03-05-2011 09:17 PM

So basically let it go and don't let them know that this eats away at me every day? I am not a type that forgives easily, especially whenever it comes to the most important points in my life. My WEDDING was pretty important to me, and I wasn't even important enough to them to show up at it.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-05-2011 09:21 PM

You need to learn to forgive...easier than you do now...otherwise, this kind of stuff will fester, like an open sore and cause you harm, impact your relationship, etc. while doing NOTHING to those who made the mistake.

Learn to forgive because it's nearly impossible to forget.

Let it go, so it won't continue to eat at you everyday. That's why you need to let it go...for you...and your partner....not for them.

**WildChild** · 03-05-2011 11:53 PM

You have common theme through many of your posts of fighting and anger. You need to learn some healthy ways of dealing with conflict and letting go of anger. I'm past 50 and can honestly say that as an adult I've never had a "fight" with a relative. There is just no reason to resort this kind of behavior.

You have alternately referred to your ceremony as a commitment ceremony and as a wedding? What did you tell your family you were doing? How seriously did they take it? Did they understand that this was your equivalent of a wedding? Did they know that your relationship was volatile and that there had been episodes of physical violence?

Is it possible that they were not fully supportive because they felt that this may not be the best thing for you?

"Isn't family supposed to be there for you, and be happy for you? "
Yes they are, so put aside your anger and resentment and go to your brother's wedding and wish him joy and many good years together.

**kel0887** · 03-06-2011 08:21 PM

Yes, the family knew that there had been an episode of physically violent behavior in my relationship. It was only once and never happened again. I refer to my commitment ceremony as my wedding, or vice versa, because it is the only one I will ever have, and the vows will remain like they would if it were an actual legal wedding. I would not go to my brothers wedding, even if I would've received an invitation. First off, he is getting married 4 or 5 states away from where I live, which I believe is just a show of his fiances families wealth, and his need to feel superior to everyone else. At this time we aren't on speaking terms, since he thought I had no reason to be upset with him. I just don't get it. I honestly don't.