I don't understand

**tstic364** · 03-08-2011 02:35 PM

Hi-

I am at a loss for words and understanding.

My brother had his wife had a baby girl together the beginning of January. They had their share of relationship problems, all communication issues. He had a strong personality, she was very introverted and withdrawn.

In January wife went to visit her mom 4 hours away with baby.

8 days later, wife came back to the house while her husband was at work and took nearly everything that was hers, and everything for the baby.

Wife said that she needed time to think about her relationship with her husband.

Wife filed paperwork with the court (where her mom lived) for full custody, claiming that husband is abusive and she is afraid for her and the baby's safety.

Wife still tells husband that she needs time to think about things, but is ONLY communicating very occasionally via e-mail. She refuses to talk on the phone.

Wife now suddenly hates husband. Husband wants to see daughter, but she wants him to drive over 8 hours to see baby. She does not work, he works 2 jobs.

Husband wants to work things out, she refuses. Tries to get him to see a psychologist who specializes in abusive behaviors. (Husband, my brother, is not abusive. Not physically or mentally. This is 100% fact. He does have strong personality, but is not abusive)

Wife refuses to talk with any of husbands family. She refuses to come home. Husband hasn't seen baby in over 2 months. Court paperwork had been filled. She has to be served paperwork but is hiding. Court has been rescheduled three times already.

I don't get it??? WHY would someone choose to be a single mom? She has a co-dependant relationship with her mom, and her mom encourages her to leave her husband!

Any insight would be great... husband and husbands family are all hurting by her actions.. and she doesn't care.

I hope she looses custody... I think she has some psychological issues going on...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-08-2011 03:39 PM

Honey, family is so important to people....

All you can do is be there for your brother.....

There arguements may have been on-going for so long that now she has the baby, she has love and doesn't want/ need him in her life anymore, maybe he did (as strong opinionated people do) constantly critise, put down, or I'm right your wrong once too often...

Bottom line is, she fell out of love...

The Courts will work it out....

It's natural to be angry but there is nothing any of you can do.....

CW

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-08-2011 04:15 PM

Where to begin...

Does your brother want full custody of his daughter? Working two jobs, it's something to really think about, as it will be tough to prove to any bleeding heart liberal court how that can happen iF he's working two jobs.

What paperwork has been filed ? By whom? Where? I know you mentioned the paperowrk filed by her, but what about him? What? When? Where?

What court has been rescheduled three times? Who was unable to show? Reason given?

IMO - your brother needs to act quickly and firmly to protect his rights to see his daughter and his rights as a father.

The relationship is over...there will be time to deal with it after the smoke clears....

I would strongly suggest that a request for psyc. evaluatons be filed with the court, the one that's close to your brother and that he ask the court to appoint an advocate for the child.

By doing what she did, moving back to mommie's house AND playing the abuse card, she's got a bit of an upper hand right now (assuming she claimed abuse in her paperwork). She's sick, she's psycho. the tough part will be proving it. Depending on where he/she lives, he will also have to prove she is unfit....very difficult to do, but worth a shot.

He needs to find a lawyer who is a junk yard dog, not some friend of the family, or a neighbor down the street who does divorces along with train wrecks. NO! He needs a lawyer who has few friends and doesn't really like the ones that he has...They're out there...go find one.

Errrrrr! This hits very close to home with me and my headline making, no holds barred, ugly, nasty divorce was a long time ago.

I could share/talk with you him for hours about this.....

Have him buy a microcasette recorder, about $20 at your local retailer (I actually bought two, one for home, one for my car) and a half dozen 90 minute tapes, about $6 at the same retailer. Then go to Radio Shack and buy the device that enables you to record telephone calls. Record EVERY conversation that he has with her....EVERY one. If the recorder isn't on...he's not talking to her....period.

Buy a couple of nice legal pads and a couple of pens....document everything. No matter how insignificant he thinks something is, document it. Tell him to learn to become the best documenter that he can be and document. document, document.

At the time of my divorce proceedings, I had 17 hours of recorded conversation and pages and pages of well written documentations of the things that went on....like the dozens of attempts I made to talk with our children that she denied.....the many trips I made to see our children and they weren't there (as promised) or were 20 minutes late, etc. This stuff is hard to remember every little detail unless you write it down...date...time...location....action or attempted action taken...result of effort.

I will offer any advice that I can, that's why I am here. Keep in mind that all of it is merely my opinion. thoughts and/or life experience. I AM NOT a lawyer....just a guy who's been there, has had to fight the battle and came out better because of my efforts.

I wish him well...

**tstic364** · 03-08-2011 04:57 PM

CHANDLERS WISH- Thank you for the response......

Seeker_Advice: thank you for your response too.... he's having such a hard time with all of this. He calls me for support/advice.. that's why I am here. I just don't know what else to tell him.

She left their home on January 17th. On January 25thth she filed paperwork with the court 4 hours away where her mom lives (and we think she is residing). Yes, she claimed abuse and that she feared for her safety and the safety of their daughter. The judge granted her temporary full custody. The only reason we knew about this paperwork is b.c my brother called up to the court house sometime around the beginning of February to see if she had filled anything against him. She never said one word about the paperwork, in fact, she never called him at all. The only communication she had was 2-3 e-mails/texts saying that she needed to time to think about their marriage. No reason was ever given.

After finding this out, my brother hired an attorney and filed paperwork in his hometown (also birth place of the baby and where his wife resided for the last 3 years). He originally filled for legal separation and 50% custody, but later changed it to divorce and 100% custody due to her lack of communication. The first hearing was scheduled immediately (they were trying to get wife and baby to return to county of residence) but nothing was done. The second hearing came and he was unable to serve her paperwork (she is hiding), so they rescheduled. The third hearing was just a few days ago. Again, she is hiding, so we couldn't find her. He has had personal friends attempt to serve her, police officers, and private investigators. Nothing.... Like I said, she is hiding and her parents are covering for her.

She has tried to serve my brother as well, but has been unable to do so. (not b.c. he is hiding, just wrong place wrong time) so, the court where she filed rescheduled for the end of this month.

In the meantime, brother has tried to communicate with his wife but she won't answer any e-mails or phone calls. I feel like the courts are being so unfair. we did learn that if she resides in the county where her mom lives for three months that she will gain residency up there. We believe that is what she is trying to do.

I don't think brothers lawyer is the best, but I dont know much about the court system and how everything is supposed to work. Im not sure if he is doing the right things or? Maybe I should have him look into a better lawyer?

She also did other things that should have been huge warning signs. She had her mom in brother/wife home for 6 weeks (time before and after baby was born). Her mom left for a week and then Wife went to visit mother for 1 week. Mother then came back down here for 3-4 days. Wife went back up there... etc... this continued until she just didn't come home.

The thing that baffles my mind the most is that she has never said WHY she left!?!? She has not given a reason except that brother is abusive (which is is not I can assure you!).

Anyhow, thank you for your advice. I will talk with him and hopefully we can sit down and document everything that we have so far. The recorder is a good idea too.

Theresa

**WildChild** · 03-08-2011 05:42 PM

In theory the courts are supposed to act in the best interests of the child. But what that is really depends on your perspective in many cases. There are many things that could be going on including post partum depression. If your sister in law won't communicate its very difficult to know what is really going on. It may that your brother's attorney can get the court to order that both parents undergo some counseling and evaluation.

It sounds like the two of them are very different personality types and what you as a loving sister see as strong, your introverted SIL may at times find frightening or intimidating. You don't know. It is unfortuate that people rarely act really rationally under these situations. Be supportive and be there for him.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-08-2011 07:33 PM

FAIR is not a word that any man should use in "family" court ever... It's an acronym created by lawyers and it stands for....well, the last three words are All Individuals Respectfully. The first word is not allowed in this forum or any other forum for that matter...

Regardless, your brother's lawyer should be pushing to have the case moved forward without her, I believe it's called "in abstentia" (sp?) when one party cannot be found with reasonable effort in a reasonable amount of time, the court proceedings go on without them, because they are absent....

Tell your brother to stop trying to contact her or his former MIL for any reason OTHER than to set up times to see his daughter. He needs to make an effort to see her, on a regular basis, at least once each week and once each weekend in order to establish a pattern...that is well documented....Yes, it's four hours one way, yes, gas is $4.00 a gallon, yes, the child's mother and/or grandmother may play games to keep the child from him...HE MUST show the courts through his ACTIONS that he has attempted to see his daughter on these dates and has been denied access by the mother.

He might consider trying to file an "emergency order" with the court that establishes/determines a court ordered visitation schedule until this issue is resolved, that way she could be found....may be found....to be in violation of court ordered visitation IF she denies him access to his daughter. This would be A LOT better and have MORE TEETH than good documentation. Documentation is better than nothing, but the more you can get the court in his county involved and the sooner he can, the better. PUSH for a court ordered visitation schedule....PUSH for a court apppointed advocate for the child...PUSH for this matter to be tried in abstentia. Let the court know that he believes that she is trying to re-establish her residency and he believes that she will keep his daughter from him until she does.

The clock is ticking....Against him....and in her favor. She appears to have been well coached by somebody. She also has had a head start on putting things together...she's obviously been thinking about this for a while. Stuff like this just doesn't happen....

NEVER, EVER allow him to show anger or frustration in court, either court. IF he does, it's over...he loses.

Remember, this has NOTHING to do with fair, because there is no such word....

This is WAR and he has to think like that or the other side is going to eat his lunch.

I am sorry this has happened to him and to everyone involved, especially the child.

**tstic364** · 03-09-2011 08:35 AM

Thank you again.... seeker... I am going to go to the court with him (hopefully today) to look into an emergency order. I don't know how it will work since he already has paperwork filed with the court and his case has been heard by a judge. They keep saying the same thing.... "you need to personally serve her, we will reschedule for one month." BUT, maybe we can do something else.

Wildchild- You have a good point... how she could view the relationship. Oddly, they went to counseling and discussed their issues with the counselor. The counselor told them that she needed to break off ties with her mom (not completely, just the unhealthy ones). After that, she quit counseling b/c they were not telling her what she wanted to hear. She definitely has some issues going one...

**stressed** · 03-11-2011 06:51 AM

My opinion, whether she has issues or not, only she and your brother really know what happened between them. Maybe he was, indeed, abusive towards her but that's something he'd never admit. Abusive partners don't consider themselves abusive, let alone admit so to their family members. Maybe there have been very serious issues in their relationship your brother didn't share. You can never know and you can never understand the whole truth behind it, no matter how open he is to you. Because no third person can fully understand the relationship of somebody else, neither a sister nor a mother can.

If you read all the posts here people always talk about "an awful ex" where the people who posted did everything right. It's all about perspective. You can never know the whole truth unless you hear the truth from both sides, but even so, neither will tell you 100% what really happened, especially if your brother has done anything to cause this.

All in all, be supportive to your brother but at the same time try to be open-minded with the situation. It's very easy to take the side of our loved one and become biased.

**tstic364** · 03-14-2011 01:37 PM

My brother and his wife are getting divorced. She left one day for a "visit" to her parents house 4 hours away and never came back. They are going to court. She is trying to get full custody 4 hours away, and he still lives in his home town. (I posted the story on another thread about a week ago)

He is curious, as am I, as to what a court might decide for custody being that she wants to stay 4 hours away? My brother has tried to work on an agreement with her outside of court, but she is not communicating whatsoever. He has even offered her the house and he will reside elsewhere so he can have frequent contact with his daughter. She ignored this as well.

Please tell me your experience if you have been (or known someone) in this kind of situation? Court is on march 23 in the county where she filed papers, and court is on April 4th in the county where he filed papers. My brother hasn't seen his daughter in almost 2 months. She won't allow him to see the baby.

Thanks for any advice.....