Need advice about my wife-

**MarkT** · 03-29-2011 09:55 AM

I'm a 45 yr old male and married to my best friend, she's 53. We've been together for 13 years and I love her very much. I have been married 2 x before and this is my wife's first marriage. My first 2 wives liked other men, guess I'm just not any females cup of tea- I dearly love my wife and we have an 11 year old son. I love them both so very much. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here now. My wife is having a very rough time, she's going thru the change and has been on birth control after the birth of our son. That's when our sex life has pretty much stopped. I've gone 11 years with little to no attention and she doesn't seem to care. She doesn't like me touching her, she won't listen to me and tells me that she wish she had never gotten married. We used to have a great sex life. Now it's all but gone, as in 2-3 times a year and that's been going on for 11 years. I've never messed around and I don't think she has either- but I don't know if she really ever has or not. This is ripping my heart wide open. I used to be a construction worker and risked my life everyday to make a living for my family, I'm now disabled and have been for 3 years. I'm doing little welding projects in our garage to help pay bills as SSI disability hasn't come thru yet. I've never been a guy that ever had women look at- and my self esteem went from none to below none since my wife keeps pushing me away. Maybe I'm not worth looking at- when we have a conversation and I'm talking, she just walks away like I don't even exist. It's been 7 months since I've been close to her and she acts like she wants to just get it over with. I hate that part, so I just stop and I'm left with a broken heart and I'm pushed away.
No woman wants to talk to me, or even be around me. Kind of hard to just hide, I'm 6'4" and 250 lbs. I feel like just crawling into a hole. If she ends up divorcing me, I'll probably find a chunk of ground to buy so far out into the country they will have to pipe sunlight to me.
So, what do I do? She has a Dr's appt to find out about menopause and what she needs to do.
I feel like she married me because I made a lot of money and now that I'm disabled and broke she feels like she has been cheated. I didn't choose to be disabled, but now I feel worthless and she isn't making it any easier for me.
This really sucks. Can I really be That ugly? Am I this worthless? I sure feel like it.

**MarkT** · 03-29-2011 10:09 AM

No beard

With beard

**pretzel** · 03-29-2011 10:30 AM

Hey Mark,

photo's blocked so can't see them, but that's not where I'm going.

First off, your mention that your wife's been on BC for the last 11 years and given her age at the time, that's something that would be pretty high on my list of things to take into consideration. As the thread develops, you'll find many posters talk about the risks/rewards of hormonal birth control and their side effects. I suspect this will be a major point. Guessing, I would say that she's been dealing with them for a while and now that she's possibly well entrenched in her perimenopause journey (and the use of the them journey is correct) that and side effects may now be either compounded or the current combination of hormones found in her bc perscription is no longer effective. I would try to encourage your wife to take her next Dr. appointment very seriously and demand they do a new blood test to determine where her hormone levels are exactly and to try to get an aggressive plan together to rebalance them.

Also, I'd venture to say that on top of this, other stressors that have happened to both of you could very well be causing some degree of depression. On top of being a side effect of certain hormonal bc the stress of your disability, raising a child, her work, etc. can and often times leaves one overwhelmed to the point where intimacy and sex become so unimportant that the divide it can cause is tremendous. I'd venture to say you may know this point pretty well.

**WildChild** · 03-29-2011 10:50 AM

No you aren't ugly, you are an attractive man. Construction is a tough business and it takes a toll on your body. Right now a lot of men who used to make a good living at it are really hurting financially and the older you get the harder that can be to recover from. (I have a background in construction myself and lost my shirt as an independent contractor last year).

What you are dealing with is unfortunately not uncommon and it happens to both genders, there are plenty of women on here who have men in their lives who don't want sex. It is frustrating and very damaging to relationships.

Since this situation started long before you were injured and unable to work that isn't the root, although financial stress can be the death blow for many couples. Pregnancy changes a woman's hormone balance - it has to and after the baby is delivered many women have more trouble than is recognized, getting back in balance. Postpartum depression is being recognized now as more common than previously thought. Could that have been a factor?

I half joke but unfortunately it seems to be true, that many birth control pills work more my killing the woman's desire for sex than anything else. We've had quite a few women post here about having lost their sex drive and we all chime in and encourage them to get off the pill and often they are back in a couple months to report that going off the pill did the trick.

Then you could consider the "Mommy Syndrome" which is a deeply embedded idea that mommies aren't sexy. They are moms, not juicy Sex Goddesses. Of course that is silly thinking but a lot of people, male and female carry that idea around with them. Many women after pregnancy become very unhappy with their bodies, even if they get back into shape and don't carry any extra weight, they feel that they are no longer as attractive. Unfortunately all the advertising and TV and movies and porn and all that featuring airbrushed, twig thin, silicon implanted 20 somethings doesn't help real women feel good about themselves.

I am your wife's age so I can speak to the perimenopause. It can be a betch but it doesn't have to be. Personally, I'm not having much trouble with it at all but I've been reading up on it and talking to other women my age who are having some real frustration. A good doctor can do a hormone panel and identify what is out of kilter. Many doctors over simplify this though, for example what we call estrogen is actually 3 different hormones and an imbalance in just one can mess things up and giving the wrong one will just through the woman more out of balance.

Diet and exercise are huge in dealing with this. Foods are chemicals. If you are a reader I really recommend two books - The Wisdom of Menopause and The Hormone Diet. They may look intimidating but are not difficult to get through and of course you can focus on the sections that seem most relevant. You may find that The Hormone Diet will help you too as it helps both women and men find the right balance to meet their own body's needs. All this stress can really deplete your body. If nothing else you need to be as healthy as possible to be there for your son.

**WildChild** · 03-29-2011 10:52 AM

Interesting, Pretzel, I can see the photos. Wonder what's up with that? He's quite a decent looking man - you can take my word for it.
Oh and Mark just for the record Pretz is male, we have quite a few wonderful men here.

**MarkT** · 03-29-2011 10:56 AM

Thanks Pretzel, things haven't been very good around here for awhile now. I'm able to move around just fine. I have the worst case of IBS my research dr has ever seen. I can only go about 3 miles from home now, any further and I have a lot of problems. I also had a heart attack 4 years ago. Most of my problems right now are the IBS and joint pain. Hydrocodone helps, but it just isn't enough to kill the pain. Jim Beam is my best friend anymore. Well, when my son isn't around. I won't drink in front of him. I hide my bottle in my garage away from everyone. No, I'm not an alcoholic. A fifth of Beam will last me 6 months or longer. I'm just a little sipper, not a drinker.

**MarkT** · 03-29-2011 11:10 AM

Thanks WildChild, most of our diet is wild game as I am a hunter/ bowhunter and trapper. I know it's politically incorrect, but it's my way of life now. It keeps me busy and off the couch. You really think I'm attractive? That's a big shock to me! Never been told that- no one has ever said that until now. Wish my wife felt that way, she puts me down all the time- like I'm not already at the bottom of the barrel. I'm at the point now that if a female took an interest in me, I wouldn't know how to take it.

**pretzel** · 03-29-2011 11:15 AM

That's why we here.

WC, it's my firewalls that are blocking the pic's. Can't do anything about that.

Mark, I'm sure your doctor has talked about diet and exercise especially as recuperative treatments for the heart attack and the effect of diet on your IBS so I can only guess your following his orders.

I'd really take WC's comments to heart. She is one of the most intelligent young ladies around these boards and is a wealth in information when it comes to these issues. Hopefully some of the other panel of experts we have here will also weigh in.

**WildChild** · 03-29-2011 12:04 PM

IBS is often linked to emotional stress - see a pattern there?
Emotional stress is also a factor in heart health.
You and your wife need to get this dealt with.

I'm just going to through out some ideas. I don't know if they apply to your situation or not but...

You might want to search some of Oxy-moron's posts on touch, he really should do nice blog for us on it. I've done some research and talking to some therapist friends and there really is something to it.

Communication is key and that is about way more than words. Many times men get in the pattern of only touching a woman when they want sex and women do start getting very resentful of this. It isn't done intentionally on either side. It just that women respond first through a feeling of connection and affection and then arousal and sex (assuming we aren't just in one of those moments when we are blind screaming horny and want it right now) and men tend to respond first with arousal and sex and then connection and affection.

As a therapist I know puts it; men are microwaves, women are ovens. Both get cooking but at different speeds.

I hate to say it but men often really are the bull in the china closet with the woman in their life and can shut a woman down quite unintentionally. The man I'm seeing is really lucky that I have an odd sense of humor, a pretty strong sense of self and am used to construction guys lol.
Guys don't always realize what they are saying.

Man says- "Joe Blow and Mucky wanted me to go to the Lion tonight but I told 'em I got something better!"

Woman says- " Oooo I'm so glad you think so"
Woman thinks-Gee, thanks, how romantic. It's nice to know sex with me is better than visiting the super tacky strip joint in the warehouse trucking district, but am I more enticing than the higher end one over in the car repair zone?

Man says- "All the women I've been with before had big , I mean my last wife's were Enormous! But I really love your little ones, they're just perfect"

Woman- "Thanks, they've always worked for me."

Ya know if a woman said, "All the men I've been with were really hung, I mean my last lover was Enormous but I really love your little one, it's just perfect" Most men would shrivel up and that would be the last we'd see of that. He may really mean it that he prefers hers (and she may really mean the she prefers smaller) and thinks they are perfect but unless she really has No breast size issues that was dangerous thing to say. Fortunately for my guy the way he looks at me overrides the way he says some things - I know I'm Prime rib and Death by Chocolate all in one. My point is that sometimes men will do and say things that can just destroy some women, without even realizing or remembering that they did it. Sometimes it was a one shot deal that just was killer and other times it may be a pattern of behavior, like only touching when you want sex. (Google Amanda Gore's, Why Women Are Different From Men, for a hillarious look at this).

If you can find a time when she is receptive, sit down with your wife and in a caring and non demanding way, tell her how much you love her and how much you want for both of you to be happy in your relationship. See if you can share some idea on what needs to happen. Another book you might both look at is the Love Languages one, it takes an approach from a religion but even I found plenty of good info there. The point being that you each have to understand and give what the other needs, not what you think they ought to need.

**WildChild** · 03-29-2011 02:54 PM

Originally Posted by MarkT

Thanks WildChild, most of our diet is wild game as I am a hunter/ bowhunter and trapper. I know it's politically incorrect, but it's my way of life now. It keeps me busy and off the couch. You really think I'm attractive? That's a big shock to me! Never been told that- no one has ever said that until now. Wish my wife felt that way, she puts me down all the time- like I'm not already at the bottom of the barrel. I'm at the point now that if a female took an interest in me, I wouldn't know how to take it.

I bet with a smile on your face you light the room up.
Its good you have something to get you up and moving and to put food on the table.
Sometimes we women forget that you men folk need to feel loved and desired just as much as we need to feel it.