How do I break free from mother who hates me?

**Cali-Car** · 03-29-2011 04:57 PM

I am in my 40's and my mother has hated me for so long that I can't count the years.
Growing up I was never allowed to have friends. She wanted to keep me as her personal assisntat. My father died right after I started to work in my 20s. I also had a boyfriend. When I didn't quit my job and married my husband she got even more angry at me. She to this day feels that I should have stayed home and taken care of her. I have four older siblings but she feels they are too important for her to bother. I am her "accident' so I should pay the price.
Over the past 10 years her health has diminished and she felt I should let her move in. I said no. So more anger.
I cannot remember a nice comversation or visit with her. The anger she throws at me is like dealing with a demon. Pure hatred and evil .
I have seen a therapist, who said to move on but I can't seem to let go.
It is like she has power over me, I cant break the hold. It knaws on my brain.
When ever I talk to her and tell her anything I am doing I get verbally attacked for having a good time.
I went on a vacation, she went into the hospital. We went away for Christmas, she was mad and went into the hospital. This pattern is pretty consistent.
The last episode was when I had a foreign exchange student for a month. She was so angry that she spewed hatred at the girls nationality (on the phone) and then ended up in the hospital.

I have not called in three weeks. During that time I ignored voicemail about her being in the hospital. I feel guilty.

I want to just walk away from her and not ever listen to the insults or hatred directed at me, my husband and children. I don't know how to let go of the guilt I feel deep down. I feel judged by my siblings, even though we dont speak and have not in years. You see the disrespect my mother shows me they treat me the same. They insult me and call me "the accident"

I feel like I am the only person who has a mother like this. I feel like it is all my fault and if I did as I was told it would feel better. I am destroying my marriage with my guilt I am feeling and lashing out at my husband with displaced anger.

If anyone can give me advice I would appreciate it. I want to find my happiness and this is blocking me. I want to enjoy my life and not feel guilty about my mom. I want to make friends, go out with friends shopping and be a grown woman. Not a scared child

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-29-2011 05:23 PM

That is such a sad story...

But, you do have to let it go, because people that have a hold on us, continue to do so until we break free.

You rebelled and got married, so you have it in you.

We only live one life in this body, don't let her effects destroy you, your inner beauty and love that you gave and can still give to your husband instead, make sure you are not like her, you will not let her do this anymore to you and see yourself as free.

It is un-fair that she plays the pity card on you over and over but I am betting she leaves the same messages for the other siblings...poor me.... guilt trips...

Your other siblings should be ashamed of themselves, perhaps they are like her....

You are not..

So, change your telephone number stop feeling guilty write her a letter telling her everything you feel and why and ask her to move on with her life as you intend to do, and tell her you were always there, you were not a mistake you were meant to live that is why you were born and that you love her.... but you have to live your life now without her, so you can grow and be yourself.

CW

**jns** · 03-29-2011 08:32 PM

Originally Posted by Cali-Car

I am in my 40's and my mother has hated me for so long that I can't count the years.
Growing up I was never allowed to have friends. She wanted to keep me as her personal assisntat. My father died right after I started to work in my 20s. I also had a boyfriend. When I didn't quit my job and married my husband she got even more angry at me. She to this day feels that I should have stayed home and taken care of her. I have four older siblings but she feels they are too important for her to bother. I am her "accident' so I should pay the price.
Over the past 10 years her health has diminished and she felt I should let her move in. I said no. So more anger.
I cannot remember a nice comversation or visit with her. The anger she throws at me is like dealing with a demon. Pure hatred and evil .
I have seen a therapist, who said to move on but I can't seem to let go.
It is like she has power over me, I cant break the hold. It knaws on my brain.
When ever I talk to her and tell her anything I am doing I get verbally attacked for having a good time.
I went on a vacation, she went into the hospital. We went away for Christmas, she was mad and went into the hospital. This pattern is pretty consistent.
The last episode was when I had a foreign exchange student for a month. She was so angry that she spewed hatred at the girls nationality (on the phone) and then ended up in the hospital.

I have not called in three weeks. During that time I ignored voicemail about her being in the hospital. I feel guilty.

I want to just walk away from her and not ever listen to the insults or hatred directed at me, my husband and children. I don't know how to let go of the guilt I feel deep down. I feel judged by my siblings, even though we dont speak and have not in years. You see the disrespect my mother shows me they treat me the same. They insult me and call me "the accident"

I feel like I am the only person who has a mother like this. I feel like it is all my fault and if I did as I was told it would feel better. I am destroying my marriage with my guilt I am feeling and lashing out at my husband with displaced anger.

If anyone can give me advice I would appreciate it. I want to find my happiness and this is blocking me. I want to enjoy my life and not feel guilty about my mom. I want to make friends, go out with friends shopping and be a grown woman. Not a scared child

I would cut her out of my life and would not give her one last chance. You have a husband and children. Don't let her bile interfere with them. Be happy with them. Start to build your own life away from her. A child can be an accident and still be loved. She poisoned any relationship you could have had with your siblings. Don't let her keep winning. Maybe start volunteering or work with a new church group. Make sure you are far enough away that family cannot come over. She may be flesh and blood but she is not a mother.

**WildChild** · 03-29-2011 10:49 PM

From one perspective the cliche that you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family is true. From another perspective, once you are an adult you can choose not to have negative people in your life, even if they are family. You can also choose to create a family of your choosing.

Cut these negative psychic vampires out of your life, give yourself some time to heal and then choose positive, caring people to bring into your life. In my opinion to let go you need to see them for what they are, pity them, what a horrible thing to have to be them everyday, forgive them and then move on. Forgiving doesn't mean that their behavior is OK, it doesn't mean that you will forget. What forgiving means is that you are letting go of it, you aren't going to carry around any guilt or concern, you are simply going to hand back to them all their "stuff" because it's theirs and we really shouldn't keep things that aren't ours, how ever freely given they were. They have freely given you all kinds of carp and poison and you have accepted delivery. In forgiving you say, I sorry you have so much pain and anger, but it is yours and not mine. I forgive you for what you have done, the things that made you this way must have been awful but none of this is mine and I won't accept any more of it. You do not have to do this in person, you are not opening a dialog. Just forgive them, set aside what you carry from them and move on much lighter and brighter.

You may have to work at letting go since carrying all that around has become very familiar and a real habit. Then start thinking if they are your fine example of what you do not want to be and do not want in your life, what do you want and how can you create it? Do you want your children's memories to be an unhappy mother? Of parents with an unhappy marriage because mom was wrapped in misery over what her family didn't do? Or do you want to show them that you can rise above the bs and shine and love and laugh and have a life worth living?

Cut the ties, block the calls, toss the mail or mark it return to sender, take them off your email, fb, cut them off. Like a cancer, you have to cut off the blood supply and let it die.
Find your joy.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-30-2011 06:41 AM

Cut the ties, block the calls, toss the mail or mark it return to sender, take them off your email, fb, cut them off.

I couldn't agree more!

There comes a time in everyone's life when we all have to make tough decisions. This is your time.

Three weeks is a good start. Move forward and leave her behind one day at a time until three weeks becomes four weeks, then a month, then two, then three, etc.

The most difficult things we have to do in our lives frequently take time and lots of it. Minutes become hours, hours become days, days become weeks and weeks become months.

It isn't easy, then again life isn't easy and anything worth having, like PEACE, LOVE, HAPPINESS and JOY in our life, is worth working for.

Keep working!

**Cali-Car** · 03-31-2011 04:34 PM

Hello, and thank you all for responding.
I hear what your saying, but we all know easier said than done. Today was a "you should call, you should check" day. She is not a healthy woman, honestly I didn't think she would live this long. I know that sounds awful, but she has severe health problems and OD'd earlier this year .right when I went on a big trip across country with my husband and children.
Funny, you mention my kids seeing this. They are teens, and the catipult to my trying to pull back and going to therapy had to do with a huge melt down on the phone we had. She started in, pushing on my buttons and I lost it. I was a screaming, screatching fool. I had no idea how angry I was. My kids were yelling hang up the phone. One actully did.

The vampire reference is true. She is an emotional vampire. I am the only child she really hates, my half sister would be her second target, but she finds her pretty so she can do what she want.
Over the years my mother has consulted psychics, to "spy on me" told me that they were telling her my husband was having an affair- he wasn't but she told everyone in the family he was. She has paid for "spells" to destroy my family. I guess they work because I gave her the power..
As I read your posts it seems so clear. I have allowed this to happen.

Thank you for commenting and helping.
Carm

**Cali-Car** · 04-18-2011 09:03 PM

So I haven't spoken to my mom. I was feeling quite good, free. And then today happened.
My brother sent an email saying that she has been in the hospital for several weeks. Suffering from many illness. She has copd and her body is basically shutting down.

They are mad at me and want me to start helping to care for her. Honestly she needs a nurse in my opinion Plus they don't realize the sight of me will send her into a fit.
I don't think I can handle any more hate spewed at me.
I can't win here.

The other problem is that nobody other than those under my roof know that I am suffering from a depleating white blood cell count. I have a weakened immune sysem and am being monitered for early lukemia or auto immune diseases. I am in a preliminary phase of everything. I am trying to take care of myseljf and build my body back up.

I don't want anyone to know. I refuse to be treated as sick, my counselor for this believes this is the best course. It allows me good days. I go to work and feel normal. I come home exhausted but need to work to get out of bed.

I'm scared. I am scared of my siblings, I am scared of my mother. It is affecting my marriage.
I want to run away and hide. Can anyone please give me some advice

**jns** · 04-18-2011 09:56 PM

You have to take care of yourself. Any energy you have extra, spend on your own family. If it makes you happy, spend some time with friends. Maybe you can let your siblings know you have your own medical problems but not the specifics. Then change your phone numbers and email. Maybe have a friend maintain a contact so you know if she passes. That way you can decide if you want to go to the funeral. I know it sounds cold, but the energy spent on her and your siblings may be detrimental to your health. It doesn't sound as if any of the siblings will worry about you.

**WildChild** · 04-19-2011 12:07 AM

I agree with JNS. The situations with your family have been draining you for years. Simply tell your siblings that you are dealing with some serious health issues and that you are very aware that seeing your mother will only anger and upset her, and stress you which could worsen your health, therefore it is better for you to keep your distance.

If they cannot respect this then cut off communication. You need to care for yourself right now.

**trica60** · 05-01-2011 08:29 PM

I did a search earlier looking for some explanation to family hate.I found this thread via that search. Cali-Car I so relate to your feelings in many ways.Sadly my mother also hated me all my life and passed away with those same feelings some time ago. I only have one younger sister and recently got to know her better thinking we could finally openly discuss the past. Once I begin speaking of the past abuse,molestation,etc my sister could be my mom all over again because I was called a liar and a trouble maker for trying to tell lies on our mother.Now she is so angry she will no longer speak with me so it seems that sadly some times nothing ever changes in these situations.I too could always feel evil.While I have no advise as I am feeling very low that my sister appears to be just as mean as my mother was I did want to post and say you are not alone and that some of us know exactly how you feel.Take care of yourself.