I totally agree. My mom pushed for in home care months ago. I think the thought then with my aunt was that if they got him in home care, there'd be no reason to move him into a home, and that's what she wants and that's what one of my uncles wants. Their idea was that getting him out of the house would allow my grandma to enjoy her last years too. But, the fact is, they've been joined at the hip for 60+ years, it's not going to be all peaches and cream for her once he's gone.
I don't know why they'd even consider putting him in a facility either. I mean, it's just not logical in this situation. He is able to use his walker to get to and from the bathroom. He's not a vegetable. He eats, drinks, etc. He doesn't require anything special in that area either.
The bad part about that particular aunt is that the other two sisters have picked up the slack all along. On her "nights", she gets there at 6ish, and he's in bed by 8. She switches nights with my other aunt because my mom does days. Some nights he sleeps all night, some nights he wakes up once or twice and goes right back to sleep, and on rare occasion he doesn't sleep much. I realize that makes for a really rough work day the next day. BUT, she has enough days saved up she could take off literally ANY time she wanted. She chooses not to. She could also retire, she doesn't want to. My mom and her other sister are the ones who have literally given up most everything else in their lives. My mom was able to take the year off (she's retired but was subbing full time) to care for him during the days. This aunt has managed to never miss an aerobics class, never miss a grandchilds event, never miss a lunchdate, etc.... while my mom and their other sister pick up the slack. I KNOW she's worked hard, they all have but it's frustrating because she's been pushing for him to be in a home since day one with this and now it feels like even considering putting him in that local place is a compromise of his care for selfishness. She wants him there because she doesn't want him to go back home. And right now, there's just no reason for him not to get to go back home until a VA opening is available.
If I thought they'd accept my offer, I'd offer my home for him and let in home care take care of him, but they'd shoot that down like they have every other idea. I'm virtually helpless, and I HATE feeling that way.
"Be what you're looking for."
"The next time you're thinking of kicking someone when they're down, offer them your hand and help them back up instead."
Yep, there is nothing you've said that doesn't make sense or it the right thing to do. That's what I would do. Deep down, I would bet your grandmother would agree with you also. But she's not and for as much as you and I can see a better alternative, she's chosen to take the advice of her daughter and son over the advice of her other daughter (your mom).Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster
That, I'm afraid, is her choice.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
Good news: The VA facility possibly has an opening for Tuesday. They are trying to talk the doctors into keeping him in the hospital until then. Keeping my fingers crossed.
"Be what you're looking for."
"The next time you're thinking of kicking someone when they're down, offer them your hand and help them back up instead."
Well, I'll be wishing best of luck for him also.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
I really feel for you. My wife works for the State of Missouri and issues the licenses for nursing homes and most are terrible to say the least. Most religion based are the best and have the patients best interest in mind. I pray for you and your's.
Pa will be moved to the VA facility on Wednesday. I spent my birthday visiting with him. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't heartbreaking. He was so happy to see me, never questioned who I was, said things throughout the day that made me KNOW he knew exactly who I was. My cousin had made him a cd of music from back in his day. He loves music, and sat there listening, tapping his hand and singing. The worst part was him talking about how happy he was to be home from the hospital, he said, "Now that I'm back home, I'm just going to take it slow and really enjoy it.". He's so grateful, so appreciative of all everyone does for him. Comments like that one make me know just how aware he is, and it pains my heart tremendously to know some of the others have CHOSEN to ignore that.
My aunt handed him a piece of bday cake and ice cream and said , "This is Ashlee's birthday cake". A few minutes later as he was eating it, I started eyeballing it like I wanted it, and he saw me and said "I believe this is your birthday cake". Now, Sunday was the first time I had seen him since Christmas....yet he had no trouble knowing me. He kept talking about how much he loves his home, and how proud he is that it's paid off, and how if any of us EVER need a place to stay we are welcome. He never takes his eyes off my Granny. If she even walks into the other room he watches, and will ask "Where's that Granny at???" He's so attached to her, he feels a sense of panic when she's not around.
It seems that some of my family puts on whatever glasses make them see what they want to see. After we left Sunday, my cousin mentioned that she didn't think he knew us, and didn't think he knew where he was. I'm sitting there totally bumfuzzled and said "Were you not just in the same house I was?!" It was 100% clear he knew where he was, 100% clear he knew who we were, and 100% clear how happy he was to be in his home surrounded by people he loves dearly. As we left, he told my Granny "Now you tell those girls that if they need ANYTHING we have that they can have it, anything, now I mean it.". Yeah....he didn't know who we were. *rolling eyes*.
My heart breaks for him. He doesn't know what's getting ready to happen. He's going to be lost, lonely, scared, and hurt. And for what???? What my heart tells me is that my granny has been lead into this, has been coerced to believe it's the right thing to do, but that once he's gone, she's going to feel so much guilt and she's going to grieve herself to death just as he will.
I can't change any of this. I know that. My cousin said "Well, I guess its all in how you choose to look at it" as she fought back tears. And I said "no it's not, no it's not. I don't CHOOSE how my heart feels. And my HEART tells me this isn't right. I can put on rose colored glasses and walk around pretending, but pretending is all I'd be doing. My heart knows better.". Hers knows better too....
I hurt for him in such a way I can't explain. And I'm totally, 100% helpless in it.
"Be what you're looking for."
"The next time you're thinking of kicking someone when they're down, offer them your hand and help them back up instead."
I know how this has really hurt and I'm pretty sure there's nothing I can say that would in any way ease that.
Just know that you will always have an ear here.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
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