Thread: Haunting

"I want my little girl back." The words form an image in my mind. Third grade. I had straight A's, a lot of friends, and all the teachers liked me. Joseph Johnson was the only boy that wasn't icky and me and Stevie were gonna be best friends forever! She was so great! And we had the little costume parades around the neighborhood by our school. Omigosh it was so much fun! The only thing I was jealous of were the kids how had those lunch boxes with the cool thermal cups. But it's okay. It was nacho day! And I wasn't picky then. Nachos were nachos. November came. that meant our Thanksgiving program was coming up! I was in the choir and man was I good. I started writing my poems. They were hilarious, by the way. We had half days. The only thing that hurt was falling off my bike, gettin beat up by my brother, or falling over while rollerblading. But band-aids and candy made that all better. That little girl? Cause trust me...if I could go back to that time, I would. in a heart beat. Only thing I would change is stayin cool with Aaron outside of day care. I would be there for him through all my life.

"I remember when you had so much pride. I just want my little girl back." Oh. THAT little girl. Now a different image flooded my mind. A more unpleasant one that I hated to visit. The one who was so depressed when I got to Walnut Hills. Stevie wasn't here with me. Lana had new friends. And Latrice was fake. I almost failed out of the school so I left and went to Jacobs Center. I was surrounded by bad influences. I started smoking and cutting myself. Nothing was good about my behavior. Wait. Now the image is fast forwarding. i gained confidence somewhere between my first and second year of 8th grade. I felt good about myself. I cared what I looked like. I had a lot of friends. It didn't get better than that, did it? And I would be going to Hughes with most of my friends.

She holds up a picture from either Jr. or Sr. year. Suddenly, more images circulate in my mind. The fake friends I lost. The fake friends I kept. The real friends I never had. All the fights and bullshyt. The transition from Team B to Team A. The real friends I actually gained. How close we all were. The honesty of most of the people around us. My attempt to look presentable from day to day and my sky-rocketing confidence. When my heart grew back. I tried to help my friends if they needed help. I looked good. Sure, I had a little gut, but it wasn't that bad.

"Do we need to buy you a mirror? Cause when your mom saw how bad she looked she did her best to get back to the point where she loved herself again." Do I hate myself? No. Do I love myself? Well...maybe not the way I look but I love my personality. I think not having someone there to ALWAYS go to has effected me. I think the decline in compliments has damaged my self-esteem. But that's not what's haunting me. I've seen my family fall apart. And it's so sad...how can I be the same little girl when my family is so torn? And I didn't even realize it...until she starts talking about what everyone else has been up to. My heart breaks. Where did we go wrong? Was there not enough effort?

"I stay up all night worrying." How can we do that to her? How can we let work, our social lives, school, and whatever else get in the way of staying connected with the whole reason any of us are here? My haunting may be bad, but her life is possessed with empty promises, lying children and grandchildren, and a broken family that she can't pull together if she tried...