Sexual education for your kids

**Maximus** · 04-21-2011 09:09 AM

As a man first I found that there was very little I knew when it comes to sexual education. What I know came from personal reading, and experience.
And there are still things that I learned only until very late.

As a parent I am wondering when to start the sexual education ? covering which topics ?
The education is obviously different for a boy and a girl.
I am counting on my SO to take care of the little one when the time comes, but my step-son is 13, and I am wondering when to start and what ?

Since there are several parents on here, a discussion on this topic is welcome.

**Seeker_Advice** · 04-21-2011 11:45 AM

IF, you're speaking about your step son, the time to start was about two or three years ago IMO. Kids are exposed to sexual things at earlier and earlier ages (at least they are here in the U.S.), so it seems like it's never too early to start. I have a son and a daughter and I started talking about sex and related subjects with them when they were eight (son) and ten (daughter).

At 13 I'd be asking him if he knows anyone who is pregnant? Does he know how she got that way? Does he know what's involved in getting a female pregnant and what that means? Tell him that you recognize that his body is changing, just like yours did at his age, and does he have any questions about the changes going on now or changes that are yet to come?

Something else that has always been a big help with my children was to have a "candlelight night". That was where we all gathered around the dinner table, lit a candle and went around the table to allow the people sitting there to ask any question(s) they wanted or say anything they wanted as long as it was appropriate. I reminded my children that saying things like "My sister is stupid and I hate her guts" were not appropriate and would not be allowed. Once everyone had gotten all of their questions answered and comments made, the candle was blown out and everything that was shared was left with the candle and was not to be repeated.

Candlelight nights at my house lasted as short as fifteen minutes and as long as two hours. We talked about numerous topics all through their growing up years and it was a tremendous help to me.

One other thing; Hold them on the same night every week at the same time with everyone present, no exceptions. If that's impossible, then skip a week, so someone doesn't feel left out or like they're being talked about.

**Maximus** · 04-22-2011 10:15 AM

Thanks Seeker for the inputs !
Very much appreciated.
Yes, I was speaking about my step son.
I hear what you say, at the same time, he is living in a such protected environment.
Keep in mind we live in Switzerland, an already protected environment and he is attending a private school of a very distinct type.
So I will give it a try.

Regarding the candle light nights. I like the concept.
It does provide a healthy and safe place for everyone to express himself.
Thank you.

**MarkT** · 04-22-2011 10:41 AM

My wife and I have always honestly answered questions our son has asked. He feels free to ask us anything and I want that dialogue to continue. I let him know that we will answer any of his questions in an adult manner. No such thing as a stupid question, only a stupid answer.
He has given us a few challenges, but if we don't know we tell him and we research it together. It's all about letting him know he is able to come to us with anything he has questions about. We never joke about any question, it's serious business to him.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-22-2011 10:58 AM

From the time my child was old enough to comprehend.. I talked to him about good touch/ bad touch -- rather than stranger danger. That to me was the most important thing -- to let him know that if he didn't want to give grandma a kiss -- he didn't have to.

I think we teach our kids wrong when we force them to give aunt b a hug when they don't want to -- its tell them its okay to give physical affection even if they don't feel right about it, if its what the grown up wants...

Having been abused as a child by someone in my home, and being raised in home where the word 'sex' was a dirty word you did not say... I knew I didn't want that kind of environment for my child.

So at three we were talking about good touch/bad touch...

At 5 I noticed him 'exploring himself' in the living room watching cartoons... and that opened the discussion for... 'there is nothing wrong with exploring yourself... but thats private... and not something you do in front of people'...

Sex education to me is not one talk, its an ongoing dialogue that is appropriate for their age and present circumstances. I've answered honestly anything my kid has asked about sex, and at every stage he's hit I've tried to ask him, non-intrusively... whats going on with his friends... i find kids will talk about what tommy down the street is doing over what THEY are doing... and from there you can gauge what influences they are currently facing, and what issues need to be addressed at that time.

**ItsASecret** · 04-22-2011 05:50 PM

I am totally clueless as to an age that a child should start to learn things other than what their peers will discuss (they will btw) but I do know that not all kids will give a rats behind about talking about it. A lot of kids getting that "sit down and listen to this life lesson" talk from the parents can be really uncomfortable or they just downright are not interested because they are kids and it is just naturally difficult to get them interested in a 'life lesson'. Some are totally open to it with questions that parents had no idea their kid would ask, totally awesome in that kind of case but that cannot be generalized to other kids which is kinda unfortunate. In school is the same thing despite what parents may want to think. You sit a kid down in their sex ed class telling them to be quiet and listen to the lecture and half will be counting ceiling tiles, some will be paying attention, and some will listen only because they are told to then forget the material the second they leave the room. It is a rough road and sometimes may work best to just wait for the child to come to the parent and ask something. At least then they are curious, and they are also trusting enough to go to the parent and not a peer.

The material though is a gamble, too much and you can scare a kid, too little and they could be coming back saying that the stork does bring the baby to mommy and daddy. Later on when the kid is in high school some advice is make sure they take a biology class, or a bunch. There is actually a lot of info that pertains to sex ed without it actually being a sex ed class. As for regular info I think the most important things once they understand some of the basics about sex is the diseases, that condoms are a must until there is a steady relationship at least, and that pregnancy cannot occur unless sperm meets the vagina.

**Maximus** · 04-22-2011 07:23 PM

Originally Posted by ItsASecret

I am totally clueless as to an age that a child should start to learn things other than what their peers will discuss (they will btw) but I do know that not all kids will give a rats behind about talking about it. A lot of kids getting that "sit down and listen to this life lesson" talk from the parents can be really uncomfortable or they just downright are not interested because they are kids and it is just naturally difficult to get them interested in a 'life lesson'.

Exactly ! I was going through the same thought process when I realize the discomfort, and the relative sense of urgency to start preparing.
So I thought it might be interesting to raise the question since there are few parents on the site...
I do agree with you, and knowing my step son it won't work well of the setting is of the sort of "giving the life lesson".
There is this moment where they move from "clueless children" to "exploring teenagers".
It would be the right time to start the process before the exploration is fully underway.

I rather speak of process since I consider this as an ongoing activity.

**Thomas Hepburn** · 05-14-2011 03:47 AM

I think children are ready to learn about sex when they ask questions. I remember my daughter seeing me in the bath and asking what my testicles were. I briefly explained and she was satisfied with the answer. Again I say that I really do believe that if children are used to changing and showering with each other (under the right circumstances) it does answer a lot of thier questions before they are asked. And they don't grow up giggly about their, and the opposite sex, bodies.What I'm not sure about is what age they should be taught it at school, especially as sex for kids seems to start earlier and earlier these days. Perhaps a brief guide of do's and don'ts when they are aged 10,and then the full education at about thirteen years??

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-14-2011 04:50 AM

Virgle I am not a Mother so I shouldn't answer someone whom is my friend, but, I am an Aunty to teenaqers and if you an guide him to be true, never use, and bring in your daughter, and how he would feel I think that's all you can do and will be enough...Coupled naturally with condoms...

But I agree at 13 they know just use the morals, so many boys just do not care and so many girls are emotional and all they see is love...in a sexual act.

CW