Thread: A Revelation

Hi BD, thanks for sharing your personal story with us

I cannot imagine what loosing a father must be to a child, the thought of that pain scares me very much. We humans experience so many emotions throughout our lifetime through our experiences that they govern the very people we are today. We all have different ways to deal with them too which is equally fascinating. And as you have pointed out, we often live our lives according to the emotional experiences we have gained from the past.

On that note, I do not think you can call your act of staying away from your dad's family as selfish. It is just a defense mechanism you have incorporated subconsciously to keep you away from harm, in this case rememberence of your dad. At this stage, I would like to think Beliefs and values come into play. If you are religious at all than you could have the belief that your father is not really dead but merely passing through the stages and thus keeping your emotions under control to a certain degree. Or perhaps your values as an individual could give you the strength to help your dad's family as it is your "duty" and that your dad would be happy with your efforts. There are so many different ways we can percieve/experience different moments in our lives and this is done through our upbringing, culture, beliefs, norms etc

There are some people who have no values, no beliefs, no emotions. There are some who would not show the compassion you have described in your story today. There are some who don't know how.... I would say be grateful for the understanding and emotional intelligence that you have and look to life as your learning curb to better things.

Thanks!!! It was certainly a revelation. I just love it when I realize something about myself. I had a similar revelation a few years after my dad died, when I realized that I hadn't hugged my mother in almost 3 years. She had hugged me a few times, but it was very uncomfortable for me and I resented it. Then it hit me, I didn't want to feel ANY closer to her than I already was, I wanted to push her away so that if she passed like he did, maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad. When that lightbulb went off, boy did I change my ways and I'm so grateful for it.

I think the key is, never lose sight of your own humanality. Be eager to self reflect, allow grief to come and embrace it because it's trying to teach you something life changing.

Thank you so much for such an awesome response.