In Law problems

**ziller** · 05-19-2011 03:14 PM

Hi, everyone. I'm new here.. =P
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, I don't want to discuss it with my husband, friends or family, really. But I've gotten to a breaking point, and I need to just vent. I have been holding all of this in for the past 3 years and it's gotten to the point where I think I'm just gonna explode.

A little about myself: I'm a young mother (22) of twins, married to my husband for almost 4 years now. And the problems with his sister just don't stop.

It started 3 years ago. I moved over here from across the country and didn't know anyone, so I hung out with her. She was fine, a good friend (I thought) and we had a lot in common. I look back now and I know I shouldn't have trusted her but I was naive..
The first thing she ever did to me was telling their mom that I was cheating on my husband (I wasn't, obviously). I get a call from my mom one day and she's very upset and told me she got a call from his mother saying I was trying to hook up with one of his sisters boyfriends (who I met once and barely said anything to). I shouldn't have trusted her after that and I realize that a lot of the hardships I have endured because of her are my own fault. But again, young, stupid, naive and didn't know anyone.
A couple years go by and she's found a serious boyfriend, then they start having problems. Being the 'good friend' that I thought I was being, I took her side when he broke up with her and said she could find someone better. Then a week later they were back on. We went down for a visit and I didn't say anything to her boyfriend, partly because we didn't see him much and partly because I was mad he had hurt my friend. This offends her. She sends me an email asking why both my husband and I were acting that way and I tell her 'How can you expect me to like him after everything you told me?'. That ends all communication with her for months. We go down and visit and it's like I'm not even there. She doesn't say anything, look at me, or even acknowledge my existence.
My husband graduates from film school and my mom comes over for it. At this point we are still having problems with his sister. She makes a big scene in the hallway of our apartment building and starts crying about how her brother is ignoring her. We drive in separate cars to the graduation, and when we get there, my husband, mom and I sit in one row, his parents sit in the row behind us and his sister and her boyfriend (same one) sit in the very back of the auditorium. We don't know what happened but halfway through everything his whole family gets up and leaves, slamming the door behind them. 15 minutes before the ceremony ends, they come back and all of them sit in the very back row. After it is over, maybe 10 words are spoken to him and they leave. My husband was VERY hurt over this for months and still is. The one thing he was most proud of in his life, graduating from film school, his family didn't share his excitement or even give him the time of day. It was all about his sister.
By this time, I am having a very hard time keeping my cool around them but, I do. His sister is the youngest and 'the golden child', she can do no wrong and no one sees how she disrespects myself and my husband.
Skip to just last year. (btw, every time we go down there is the same, she ignores me and tries to sweet talk her brother but by now he sees what she's doing).
I had a very difficult pregnancy.. I was very sick (later found out that was because of having twins) and as soon as I started feeling better I had to get an emergency cerclage, so I was bedridden the rest of the pregnancy, which was only until 32 weeks. I was in the hospital a lot and my husband was with me all the time. Not once did his sister even acknowledge that she was going to be an aunt and she still doesn't. She hasn't even looked at them even when they were 5 feet away from her. That's what pushed me over the edge, how can you treat little babies like that? They didn't do anything, they were just born and that's it.
They were born around Christmas time. They were in the hospital for just a month and released on the same day (we were VERY lucky they didn't have any complications for being so early). Still his parents wanted us to come down there for Christmas, we didn't want to.... we didn't want to be away from the babies but his family's strange and if we didn't that was be perceived as being 'rude'. So we went down there for a couple hours, no more. His sister calls him over and hands him a present. It is marked just to him. She kinda hints at where her present is, but we didn't get her one (mainly because we were dirt poor at the time). Before he gets a chance to tell her why, she asks, 'Well what did you get mom and dad?' He tells her and one of the gifts he got for his mom is something SHE would have liked, apparently and gives him attitude tells him 'You know I like blah blah blah'. He said he decided that that time she didn't deserve to know the reason and left it at that.
The babies have been home for a while and his parents keep asking us if they can have one or both of them down there for a night... Personally, and I don't know about anyone else, but I think it's very rude to ASK first time parents of preemies if they will give you just one of the babies. Just because they had no big complications doesn't mean I didn't worry about them... , I worried about them when they were in the room next to me, let alone be an hour away. We told them no because they were still young and this offends them. Apparently it's embarrassing when they have to tell people that they haven't had their grandchildren over for a night. So, they care more about appearance that if we are comfortable letting them take them a night. THAT'S gonna make us change our minds, for sure....
The babies are almost 6 months now (4 1/2 actual) and they still haven't spent the night there. But it's not like we haven't been pestered about it.
We just moved and finally decided that maybe we'll let them spend a day down there, just a few hours. They don't have a crib or anything there so I don't know where they planned on having them sleep.... Then we asked if his sister was living there again (she had moved out). We found out she had moved back in, his mom convinced her to or something... So we changed our minds, we don't want them around her. She's unpredictable and I don't doubt that she would 'accidentally' hurt one or both. And I don't doubt that his parents would cover for her, as well.
This was the most recent thing to happen and I'm just tired of all of their constant B.S and need to start drama. I like to live a very quiet and calm life.... and with babies I don't think that's asking too much, I want them to grow up and no be around that mess. If not being around his parents is what it's going to take, then we have to do what's right for them.
It's just gotten to the point where I question how much more I can take... I love my husband with all my heart... but he still doesn't see things as clearly as I think I do. I know they're his family, and I would like him to have a relationship with them, if he can. I don't want to make him chose between us, but it seems like that's going to be inevitable....
I need someone to tell me either 'Yes, I agree with you, this is NOT a good situation!' or tell me if I'm doing anything wrong... My vision is clouded now and my hatred for his sister gets in the way of my judgement, sometimes....
Thank you for letting me post this... its nice letting this go.

**Crystalblue** · 05-19-2011 05:33 PM

I've had my share of in-law problems, but since it's hard to get all the facts from a post, I would say just do what you think is best for your babies. Personal issues aside, if you don't think it's a safe situation for them, do what you're most comfortable with. Most new moms are over protective with new babies, his family should understand that. His mom was a new mom once. It's hard to ignore all the possible "accidents" that could happen under someone else's care, especially if you don't trust them.

**jns** · 05-19-2011 10:17 PM

It is not a good situation. Sometimes it is best to limit ties and work on being calm.

**ziller** · 05-20-2011 08:27 AM

Thank you for the replies, my original post only covers some of the issues.... there are a lot of other things going on that I wouldn't want to risk saying (his sister used to stalk me on the internet, pretending to be men, so she could accuse me of 'cheating', so I have a lot of paranoia from that). Oh and her trying to accuse me of cheating all the time... you'd think that I have, with her looking for anything to accuse me of doing it but the truth is:
I met my husband when I was 15, we've been together ever since. I've never so much as dated other men..

And thinking 'personal issues aside', no, I don't think it would be a good situation for them to be under their care alone, she is on A LOT of pain medicines, and I feel that can impair judgement sometimes, plus, again some other issues.
I'm going to stick to my guns and say that if they want to come see them, they need to come up here.

**caterpillar79** · 05-20-2011 08:37 AM

Sticky situation. Personally, I like your idea. Your babies are still small and they need not be transported yet, especially premmies. You can even get a "doctor's order" thing so that they do not challenge you. Besides, nobody should tell you how to take care of your own child if you are a good parent.

Politely ask them to come over and you will arrange a special place for them to stay with you. Be as sweet as you can, with no strings attached. Be gentle but firm when you say it, smile (whether you're talking in person or over the phone), so the mood and hopefully the message you send is taken on a positive note.

Hope everything works out for you.

**ziller** · 05-20-2011 08:47 AM

Thank you, I agree, and it's hard to take them that far away. We have a few times but after this last time, we have decided not to again. I feel like we are good parents, we haven't had any help with them at all- we do everything with them.
We've asked them to come up several times but each time there's an excuse. And then they say they don't want to come up because they feel we don't want them around the babies.... when we were the ones who invited them. Ahhhh....
It's very hard to keep a smile on my face a lot of the time, but I will try that and if they just keep making excuses, I'm going to stop asking.

**caterpillar79** · 05-20-2011 08:55 AM

Originally Posted by ziller

Thank you, I agree, and it's hard to take them that far away. We have a few times but after this last time, we have decided not to again. I feel like we are good parents, we haven't had any help with them at all- we do everything with them.
We've asked them to come up several times but each time there's an excuse. And then they say they don't want to come up because they feel we don't want them around the babies.... when we were the ones who invited them. Ahhhh....
It's very hard to keep a smile on my face a lot of the time, but I will try that and if they just keep making excuses, I'm going to stop asking.

Live and let live is probably the best way to deal with them. Prioritize your own health and sanity because your babies need you to be at your best.

*hugs

**ziller** · 05-20-2011 09:04 AM

You are right, I should already be doing that.. it's just exhausting dealing with constant drama. They are the most important, they don't need to deal with this as well. Thank you for talking to me about this, it's been a hard 3 years not being able to say much of anything.