My Mother is Making Me Depressed?

**cinbuns** · 05-26-2011 01:56 PM

I'm a young woman in my 20's, about to graduate college and I have a job as a cocktail waitress on the side. I know it's not a very "respectable" job, but I don't do anything wrong there and it helps pay the bills. My mother and I have always been very close, but in the past 4 years (when I moved out 4 years ago) she has become more attached to me than ever. It's to the point where I literally feel suffocated by her.

She constantly wants me to visit, so I do often and I never miss any holidays, even silly ones. I'm 2.5 hours away from home and although that's not "too far", it seems like it is to me and it puts a lot of miles on my car & uses a lot of gas to drive back & forth so much.

She hates my job & constantly puts me down for it. It's literally as if I can't ever do anything right. Every time I get a job, she puts it down so much that I want to quit. I have been through four jobs in the past few years and nothing is ever "good enough". I finally am just going to keep this one and just put up with her constant complaints.

She also is always on me about my education, even though she's not paying 1 penny for it and I am completely on my own. She doesn't understand that since I'll be graduating in December that I won't be returning to grad school until the next fall. She thinks I'm being lazy for not starting school again in Jan., but my program only accepts students in the fall!

She always makes me cry and feel horrible about myself. I can't just "cut her off" because well, she is my mother! She has bipolar issues and cries constantly, always making me feel terrible about everything. Nothing can ever please this woman. Saying any simple thing such as, "I'm broke!" can turn into how she's "so sorry she can't help me" and she bawls for hours and refuses to talk to me.

We just had another huge fight and I am to the point where I can't take it any more. I have to talk to her every day (by request or she literally goes insane!) and I dread that daily talk. She always puts down my boyfriend as well, even though she's never met him. I literally cannot win in her eyes.

Please help with any advice. I am becoming depressed with the constant reminders of how awful I am and how sad I make her. What should I do?

**Little** · 05-26-2011 02:11 PM

Originally Posted by cinbuns

I can't just "cut her off" because well, she is my mother!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who told you this lie?

I imagine that a lot of people have told you this lie, over and over, throughout your life, in different ways. And I imagine that because people told ME this lie! And IT IS A LIE.

Your mother is mentally ill. She is disrupting your life. She needs help - help that you can't give her. Do you have to let her run your life? NO! Do you have to let her put you down? NO! Do you have to listen to her bawl or play her games? NO!

Put the phone down. Take a deep breath. Think hard.
Would you take this kind of treatment from anybody else in your life? I hope not.
So don't let your mother treat you this way. Take a step back. There's no easy way to go about it - imagine trying to talk to her about her treatment of you. Would she respond to it? Or would she just reflect it on you? Mentally ill people are very manipulative.

Personally, I had to cut my mentally ill mother 100% out of my life, let her hit rock bottom, be the scapegoat of my whole family, until she got treatment. The reward I got, after a lifetime of emotional abuse, was a human mother, who I don't mind talking to, whose moods are sensible and predictable. I can't tell you what a world of difference it made.

**WildChild** · 05-26-2011 02:36 PM

Little is absolutely right. I will tell you what I told one of my kids a few years back about their controlling BP/BPD father. The man had been abusive and uncaring and yet my child felt badly that they didn't feel any love for him.

"You don't 'have' to love anyone just because of their relationship to you or because they claim to love you or have a claim to your love. You can treat them with dispassionate care and want what is best for them without letting them into your life or giving them any control. "

People who are emotionally unbalanced can vampirize your life and keep you from doing what you need to do to move forward on your own. Waitressing can pay very well, you should never feel a need to apologize for doing honest and legal work to support yourself. I'll let you in on a little something I has suspected dealing with my ex and confirmed in a conversation with a woman I met who was being treated for BP, they often aren't quite as out of control as it seems. I had noted that my ex rarely had one of his episodes of rage in the presence of witnesses, 90% of the time those were reserved for me and the kids. This woman (who was permitted only supervised contact with her children, as is my ex now) admitted that she had a general awareness of when her behavior would not be tolerated and that her children had no defense from it. I realize that this may go against the grain for some therapists but other people I've talked with who have dealt with BP spouses, noted the same thing.

Why not contact some family members and set up a phone contact schedule? It maybe that when they start dealing with more of it, some of them will help act to get her to get help or make changes. At the least it will take the pressure off you. Yes, you care, but you have a life to live.

**Little.Chuck** · 05-26-2011 02:40 PM

Originally Posted by Little

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who told you this lie?

I imagine that a lot of people have told you this lie, over and over, throughout your life, in different ways. And I imagine that because people told ME this lie! And IT IS A LIE.

Your mother is mentally ill. She is disrupting your life. She needs help - help that you can't give her. Do you have to let her run your life? NO! Do you have to let her put you down? NO! Do you have to listen to her bawl or play her games? NO!

Put the phone down. Take a deep breath. Think hard.
Would you take this kind of treatment from anybody else in your life? I hope not.
So don't let your mother treat you this way.

Well put. This is exactly what I wanted to say. Just put the phone down. Yes she is your mother, but that does not give her the right to make you feel low about yourself.

**cinbuns** · 05-27-2011 10:51 AM

Thank you for all of the answers. No one else in my life treats me this way, so it's hard when I hear it from my own mother. I know that she is mentally ill so it makes me feel guilty to be "mean" to her, especially since she has done so much for me over the years. I will try to start putting the phone down whenever she is being unreasonable as everyone has suggested. That way, we can both cool off. I just hope that she will answer the phone when I do finally call back. When that happened in the past (she's hung up on me many times) she usually cries and gives the phone to my father, who tells me that I am a the one out of control and I'm not allowed to speak to her until she's ready. Sigh. I'm pretty sure that he knows how bad her behavior can be though, as it has put a strain on their marriage throughout the years. He just wants to agree with her, as everyone else does so we don't get on her bad side.

**Little** · 05-27-2011 12:18 PM

Seems like others in your life DO treat you poorly - your father is only enabling her (Sigh - isn't it hard to get mad at your father too, knowing he's your only "real" parent? More frustrating than most people can imagine.) But really, he's a victim too.
You're afraid of losing the affections of your mother, but I'll challenge you: are you really getting any affection from her? What is she giving to you in your relationship?
Let her apologize to you when you have to put down the phone. And don't necessarily just hang up - say something like, "You're being unreasonable, I'm ending this conversation for now. Goodbye." As much as your mother takes the low road, you need to take the high one.
If I had a dollar for every time somebody asked me why I was so "mean" to my mother! You're not being mean, you're respecting yourself. Reassign all this poor vocabulary that's been thrust upon you. Treat your mother like you would treat anybody else close to you who was acting so inappropriately - and maybe press her to seek counseling.
It'll get worse before it gets better, and she might even learn to manipulate her counselor if she DOES get help. Don't worry, with proper care, even that can't last forever.
My heart goes out to you. Let us know how things progress.

**Little.Chuck** · 05-27-2011 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by cinbuns

I know that she is mentally ill so it makes me feel guilty to be "mean" to her, especially since she has done so much for me over the years.

You are not being mean to her, you are helping her to realise (if she does not already know) that what she is doing is wrong, and makes you feel hurt and upset. You are being mean to yourself by allowing her to treat you the way she does.

Originally Posted by cinbuns

I will try to start putting the phone down whenever she is being unreasonable as everyone has suggested. That way, we can both cool off. I just hope that she will answer the phone when I do finally call back.

I agree with Little. You do not have to be rude and just hang up on her. You could warn her that you do not like or agree with what she is telling you, and that if she continues, you will be forced to hang up on her. If she sulks, and does not answer the phone for a couple of days? So be it.