My mother-in-law hates me

**chaya** · 06-19-2011 09:07 PM

The last time my mother-in-law came here we talked and did things together. I thought she liked me. Yesterday when she arrived she was cold and would hardly talk to me. My husband tried to get her to talk to me but she only said a few words.

After she went to bed, hubby told me that he had called her when I was in the hospital with the ectopic pregnancy and told her I could never have children. This is what upset her, now I don't think she will ever like me because I can't give her grand children. This morning her and my husband were arguing, I couldn't help but hear some of the conversation. She went so far as to say that he should divorce me and marry a whole woman. I can't tell you how much this hurt me. I want to talk about it with my husband but I don't want him to know that I was listening in on his talk with his mother. I feel almost like I felt the week after I was raped. I don't know what to do so I'll just keep it to myself.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-19-2011 09:47 PM

Its completely bizarre that a woman would react that way, even a woman that desperately wanted a grandchild... suggesting he marry a "whole" woman, is 1. an expression I don't think I've ever heard in my life to describe a female that can breed. He knew your situation and the odds of you conceiving prior to marriage didn't he? If he didn't, and you didn't know either... then thats neither here nor there. Many couples try and don't succeed at having children the natural way. There are many other ways to have a baby in this day and age and unless his mother lives under a rock she's sure to be aware of them.

Assuming you didn't misunderstand the conversation or context... (it can happen), I'd not fret over how she feels about his marriage to you. She's the one that will have to learn to accept that he loves you or lose him, he loves you, he's not going to leave you over mommy, not going to happen. You are the woman of his life now, she raised him, her job is done. If she wants to be an active part of his life, she will eventually have to come around to treating you decently.

**WildChild** · 06-19-2011 09:49 PM

Sweetie, talk to him.
It wasn't eavesdropping, you were just too polite to walk in on them.
There is a name for her behavior. It's called BLAMING THE VICTIM. It is an ugly, mean hearted, cruel thing.

Does she know WHY you can't have children? She should. She should be made to see exactly what she is doing with her attitude. How else will she learn better? It is difficult to be other's people lesson but sometimes that is our role. Your lesson may be to learn to be better at being your own advocate.

**jns** · 06-19-2011 09:57 PM

Originally Posted by chaya

The last time my mother-in-law came here we talked and did things together. I thought she liked me. Yesterday when she arrived she was cold and would hardly talk to me. My husband tried to get her to talk to me but she only said a few words.

After she went to bed, hubby told me that he had called her when I was in the hospital with the ectopic pregnancy and told her I could never have children. This is what upset her, now I don't think she will ever like me because I can't give her grand children. This morning her and my husband were arguing, I couldn't help but hear some of the conversation. She went so far as to say that he should divorce me and marry a whole woman. I can't tell you how much this hurt me. I want to talk about it with my husband but I don't want him to know that I was listening in on his talk with his mother. I feel almost like I felt the week after I was raped. I don't know what to do so I'll just keep it to myself.

Originally Posted by chaya

It's over, I had laparoscopic surgery last night after the pain got so bad I couldn't stand it. They had to remove the fallopian tube but it shouldn't interfere with future IVF procedures.

Your MIL is being deliberately unfair to you and your husband. If you want to, you and your husband can have your eggs harvested and stored as fertilized embryos. That way if there are any further complications, you have something to fall back on. If you needed a full hysterectomy, you could get a surrogate to carry the baby to term. And yes, everything costs money. I wonder if the MIL thinks of a woman who has gone through menopause as less than a whole woman.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-19-2011 09:57 PM

I don't think a woman that refers to woman as whole or incomplete would have the slightest heart or concern or understanding at all about what happened to chaya, she'd likely find a reason to blame her for THAT too. She just sounds cold, cruel and selfish -- and someone like that, to me, isn't worth the effort. Be cordial to her out of respect to your husband... but I personally don't think she deserves you trying to excuse yourself to her for what is NOT your fault. She's no one to judge you or your body's ability to conceive... and her attempt to do so makes it all the more infuriating.

Don't let her get the better of you, don't feel down about yourself. Life hands you cards. You have overcome so much to be the beautiful person you are. You are a survivor in so many ways , ways a woman like this woman would never comprehend. Perhaps she was just stricken with the shock of the knowledge she might not get the grandbaby she hoped for , at least not as easily... but thats no excuse. Don't let it harden your heart to her though, or you will become bitter as she is, instead embrace the fact that you should feel sorry for her narrow little mind.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-20-2011 12:26 PM

It may be a good thing if she knows (as WC said) WHY you can't have children. But it's truly none of her business and shouldn't matter. Perhaps you were just born being unable to bear children.... And it's even more important that she knows that the experience that caused you to not be able to have children, made you MORE than a whole woman because you experienced the unthinkable and came out on the other side stronger and able to love and give your heart to her son. Giving him unconditional love is the best gift that you could ever give her. Children can be adopted....we all know there are plenty of them that need homes.

You need to talk with him about this. How dare her treat you that way. Shame on her. I'd say it to her face if I could. You have every right to be upset. She said some truly heartbreaking things. She needs to be put in her place so to speak.

**Texinator** · 06-20-2011 12:31 PM

She sounds like one of them "marriage is for reproducing" types that thinks a wife that can't have children is "broken," hence the comment about him getting a divorce and finding a woman that is complete. That is such a cold and impersonal way of thinking, that I doubt she cares one way or another why chaya can't have children.

ETA: Chaya, don't let her get to you, and don't you dare even entertain the thought of feeling guilty that you can't be a "good wife" and "provide" your husband with a child and your MIL with a grand child. You are married to him because you love him. That's all the reason you need.

**chaya** · 06-20-2011 01:26 PM

Originally Posted by Texinator

ETA: Chaya, don't let her get to you, and don't you dare even entertain the thought of feeling guilty that you can't be a "good wife" and "provide" your husband with a child and your MIL with a grand child. You are married to him because you love him. That's all the reason you need.

How can I help but feel guilty because I let her anger me to the point of hating her. I was raised a Buddhist, I believe that the three faces of evil are greed, hate and ignorance. Because I hate her so much I am just as evil as she is. The last time I hated another person it took me almost a year to get over it. I finally forgave him but I don't know if I can ever forgive my husbands mother. I am afraid that this has changed my life and my relationship with my husband for ever.

I will never speak of this with my husband again. I fear it would put him in a position where he had to chose between his mother and me.

**Texinator** · 06-20-2011 01:33 PM

It's a natural reaction that you have, Chaya. Of course you want to have a good relationship with her; after all, she is the mother of your husband. Then it makes sense that you are going to develop a very strong dislike if she basically treats you not as the wife of her beloved son, not even as a fellow woman, but rather as nothing more than a "baby making machine."

If it helps any, keep in mind that, as cruel as the things she said are, her comments and her attitude might not even come from maliciousness. It might simply be the way she was raised and the values she had instilled in her, and she might not know any better. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate her hurtful behavior, however.

**BabyGirl** · 06-20-2011 02:16 PM

I remember when you first came here with a different Name. Got married and are happily in a new day.

Whether you are Barren or not has absolutely Nothing to do with your Love of your hubby. You do have Religions or Traditional reasons to be concerned. but it seems a little late . For the families to say " I don't Like

I remember you once were concerned that your sister had random sex with your Hubby's "Partner or Friend."

Honey that was a Year ago ..
And you are a Married Woman to the Man that you Chose and the One that Chose YOU.
The issue is Not if You can Give the MIL a Grandchild, It is if She can accept you as His Choice..

Also remember, that your Father and Mother, Or his .. ( if alive ) will have No Choice in your Happiness, unless they enjoy you when you are happy . Also they must share with your Sadness.

Then again, It has barely been a Year. And to ask a Person in Love to have a Child or produce one ? Is in my heart a bit Extreme.