Is my step-dad cheating on my mum?

**Tibbadee** · 07-09-2011 11:40 AM

Hi, i'm brand new here so really sorry for any mistakes!

Some background - My mum recently got re-married very quickly after a divorce from my Dad. I got on okay with my new step-dad but as i don't live at home i never really got a chance to see him. As far as i could tell he seemed very caring and loving towards my mum, and she seemed happy. What ive found out now has totally ruined that image for me, and i really don't know what to do next for the best.

I recently stayed for the weekend at their home while they were away. I logged into the home computer, and onto youtube, and my step-dad's account was still logged in. I noticed he'd 'liked' a lot of dominatrix-style videos (lots of women using slaves as ashtrays, thats sort of thing). I didn't know quite what to make of this, so i went against my better judgment and looked at his youtube inbox. There were a lot of messages to a few of these women, in which he asked if he could book a session, how amazing they looked etc etc. He was also spending money on these women by buying them boots, make-up - whatever was on their 'wish list'. I was very shocked and upset at this point, not really knowing what to make of it. I turned the history saving setting on (it had been turned off) and today, as they are away for the weekend again, i managed to get a chance to look over his internet activity.

It turns out he's been doing this before he met my mum, and he's still continuing on with it. I'm fairly sure my mum doesn't have a clue, as in his emails he talks about the women not being able to leave marks on him, and one offered a webcam session and he turned it down saying the computer 'wasnt private'. he works nights, and all his emails are when my mum to work during the day. He seems to be actively searching for sessions in most of the emails.

I'm very concerned and worried by the whole thing. I feel bad for snooping around his private life. Do i tell my mum about it? Is it even cheating? I'm fairly sure these S&M sessions do not involve sex, but it still feels like he's abusing my mum's trust. She's been through so much over the past years (including an attempted suicide attempt after my dad left her), which leaves me scared of telling her and her falling back down that spiral again.

I don't have a problem with anyone's sexual preference, and if my mum knew about it then i would like to think i wouldn't judge - but she is very insecure and i'm fairly certain she knows nothing about it. He has also changed his youtube password which is making me nervous he might find out that i know.

Any advice would be so welcome, i'm really stuck about what to do and don't feel i can talk to anyone about it - i'm an only child, therefore no siblings to talk to and i find the whole situation too strange to talk to friends.

Thank you x

**jns** · 07-09-2011 01:01 PM

I think you have to protect your mom from this guy. I know it will be devastating, but she needs to know. If you want to document it you could hire an investigator. That way you would not get blamed for snooping and that way she would not be able to pass it off after he got secretive. They could install a keystroke logger. He is going against his wedding vows to your mom, isn't he?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-09-2011 03:01 PM

She's been through so much over the past years (including an attempted suicide attempt after my dad left her), which leaves me scared of telling her and her falling back down that spiral again.

I can see why you are worried with regards to what to do in this instance, your Mum is not a strong character and you don't live with her, to pick her up so to speak.

Is there someone else she is close to an Uncle/Aunty? I think you need a plan as well, not just spill it out, she will need someone there for her, in making her decision and possibly a place to stay for a couple of days to think things through, you don't want her to face this situation on her own, in the house with him, on her own...

Alot of people do things before marriage and carry them forward, it's called addiction.. We don't know if he loves her deeply but can't help himself, or whether he is a cad really...

But, I would want to know as in addition he's buying these women/girls gifts and yes he is cheating as he is intentionally doing something that he knows he shouldn't be doing, by telling these women, no to webcam he is not alone and no to marks, so he knows he's doing wrong..