Half-Siblings and other Long-Lost Family

**Little** · 07-25-2011 10:44 AM

I found out rather late in life that my father had other children before me and my sister. I don't know why it came as such a shock - he was almost 40 when I was born!

As I never heard a word spoken about child support as I was growing up, I assume that he abandoned them. My immediate reaction was that I wanted to get to know them, but the idea that I was lovingly raised by a man who abandoned two sons kept me from it.

The younger brother eventually contacted me, as I have a fairly transparent online presence, and we have a strong relationship now. However, I was unable to find my older brother until last night, when I found out through a geneology site that he had added the last name of an adopted father onto his name.

I contacted him via facebook, but don't expect to hear back for a while.

This isn't really a case where I want advice, but I wanted to give my reasoning before launching into the questions I would like answered:
How would you feel if you found out you had half-siblings? Would you try to contact them? Would you even be interested in knowing them?
My sister has expressed that she doesn't think it's important to know our half-siblings. Though they share blood with us, they aren't really "family." I disagree. Do you find that blood relations are important?
And lastly, how would you feel if you were the sibling who grew up without the parent? Would you want to be contacted? Would you feel resentment towards your siblings who grew up with "your" parent?

A lot of hypotheticals, but they're filling up my head as I don't want to butt into anybody's life, but I can't explain WHY I want to know my half-brothers! Just wondering what other people feel about it.

**FortunsFoole** · 07-25-2011 11:16 AM

Kind of have this going on with my husband. But from the other side. His mom had him when she was 17. Things didn't work out with the biological father. My husband was adopted when he was 5 by his Dad when he married his Mom. He has no interest in seeing or talking to his biological father. Years ago he put it pretty bluntly, he didn't see his bio-dad as anything more than a sperm donor. To him, family is who you grow up with, who raises you... not the person who impregnated his mom or the children that came from any of the other women he impregnanted.

When he was about 16, his oldest half-sister called him out of the blue and asked to meet him. He was kinda pissed because he never wanted any of that family to contact him(she'd also managed to get his cell number somehow, which freaked him out) and he was pretty quick and rude to her about his viewpoint and that he wanted nothing to do with them. He totally realizes how he was pretty mean that time.. and she was like 13ish, ouch.

A few years ago his half brother sent a message to his myspace page(which I had set up for him and usually accessed for him at the time) I saw the message putting up pictures for my husband one time and emailed with him back and forth(told hubby about it, he still wasn't interested in talking but didn't care if I did).

Since then he and I have had a few discussions on it. I'm AMAZED at how similar he and his half brother are.. They're both super goofy, logical guys.. they make the SAME "funny" expressions and faces. If it weren't for the Dad connection(or if my hubby had ever been in contact with his Dad), I think they'd be really close. It does make me really sad because I'm more like you. My family is SO OPEN and loving, even people that don't share blood are pretty much adopted.. which goes to stand if some distant relative out there existed we didn't know about... we'd be so excited to meet them and get to know them.

My husband recently opened up and kinda let his half brother know he's open to talk or whatever if he ever wanted to, but nothing has come of it so far, they're both kinda like "what now?". I still talk to his half-brother on occasion, he's freaking' hilarious and a pretty wonderful guy. My husband realizes now that his half siblings wanting to get into contact with him really is not their fault that what happened did. I don't think he'll ever see them as anything other than people that he shares DNA with(like a not so distant... distant cousin ha ha)... but he's not completely closed off anymore to them. As far as his bio dad, I don't think that door will EVER open.

**LanaBear** · 07-25-2011 11:30 AM

I think I would try to contact them, but I'm sure I would be filled with all the same questions.

If I had half siblings... I think I would try to find out as much as possible before trying to contact them. What was the situation? Even though it may be hard for the parent to address, I think it is only far to you to be able to find out. I would definitely be interested in knowing them, even though, I would know, going into it that it may not work out as you would want.

Do I find blood relations important? That is a tough one for me. I loathe my dad, I could care less to speak to him ever again. Same as my sister, I really don't care about either of them. My mom on the other hand, I'm protective of and we are close. So, I guess it depends with me.

I think, if I was the "other" sibling, it would all depend on how I grew up without the parent that gave me up. I don't know. There may be some type of animosity, you know, why did he abandon me when he went on to be a good father to you? But that is a tough spot. My dad has another daughter, that I know he spends a lot of time with. I don't have any contact with her, there is about a 17-18 year age difference between the two of us, we've never had anything to talk about when we have talked. I don't have any issues with her having a relationship with my dad. My dad is just an asshat that I have no desire to have a relationship with.

You want to know them because they are a part of you. It's a natural feeling for most people. Make the contact, then it is up to them to want to get to know you in return.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-25-2011 04:06 PM

How would you feel if you found out you had half-siblings? Would you try to contact them? Would you even be interested in knowing them?

I would feel surprised, confused....but excited at the thought that somewhere out there was another part of my father (who is deceased), and another part of my family that was previously unknown.

My sister has expressed that she doesn't think it's important to know our half-siblings. Though they share blood with us, they aren't really "family." I disagree. Do you find that blood relations are important?

My thoughts would be, why not??? What is there to lose?

And lastly, how would you feel if you were the sibling who grew up without the parent? Would you want to be contacted? Would you feel resentment towards your siblings who grew up with "your" parent?

If I were younger, teenage years, yeah I'd probably feel some resentment depending on what my life had been like. If I had been abandoned by dad then grew up with a loser of a mom that did nothing for the kids, then yeah I'd have some deep pent up resentment. But even then, I think as an adult, I'd be past that and be mature enough to realize that nothing I went through was the fault of the "other kid" and I'd be grateful they reached out to me.

There's really nothing to lose. He either wants contact or he doesn't. I think it's awesome you sent him a msg.

**kristalyn_04** · 07-25-2011 05:38 PM

This is a topic that is very close to my heart. I had/have long-lost siblings, one younger brother who is my whole world, I was reunited with him several years ago after being separated for 7 long years. An older half-sibling I didn't know about until I was 7, we didn't get to meet until I was 16. Lastly, younger half-brother and half-sister (fraternal twins) who I saw once in the hospital after their birth, then never saw them again.

How would you feel if you found out you had half-siblings? Would you try to contact them? Would you even be interested in knowing them?

When I found out about my older half-sister at age 7, I was very excited and curious, and I wanted nothing more than to meet her and get to know her. Unfortunately, that didn't get to happen until I was 16... under very sad circumstances (at our father's funeral). But I immensely enjoyed spending time with her and getting to know her, we ended up having lots in common besides just our DNA. Later on though, she developed a drinking problem and now she is AWOL... but I'm hoping one of these days she will contact me again, when she is ready.

As far as my other siblings, that situation was/is different because a bond had already been established with them before they were ripped out of my life. Years pass, so of course I knew they wouldn't be the same as I remember them. However, that bond always remained. My little brother, he is my heart... after his adoption at age 6, I spent years searching for him and I finally found him. I had to get to know him all over again, but my love for him never wavered for one second. My other younger half-brother and sister, when I got to hold them in the hospital, the bond was instant and I knew I loved them from that moment, and I still do, even though I never saw them again (it is now nearly 15 years later). People have asked me, how can I love someone so much that I don't even know? Because I remember that first connection I had with them, and simply the fact that they are my blood siblings... that is all I need to know. I continue my efforts to reconnect with them, and I have faith it will happen someday.

So... yes, absolutely I would try to contact, and I would want nothing more than to meet them and get to know them. I couldn't imagine not wanting to. It could turn out that it's not exactly what you were hoping, maybe your personalities won't mesh at all and you don't even get along... but, the opposite could happen too and you could end up having a great relationship with them. At the very least, I would want to meet them and establish that first connection, then go from there.

Do you find that blood relations are important?

Knowing that someone is a blood relative, particularly immediate family, creates an immediate bond. But, it is not ONLY blood that makes someone family. A personal connection has to be made, and a relationship has to be established to strengthen that bond and keep it. So, yes, blood is important, but not more important than having some kind of relationship with that relative.

And lastly, how would you feel if you were the sibling who grew up without the parent? Would you want to be contacted? Would you feel resentment towards your siblings who grew up with "your" parent?

My older sister was that sibling... my father was there for me, but not for her (her mother got married and her step-father was basically her father growing up). She had no resentment towards me at all, she just wanted to know me. My reaction would have been the same. I would see no reason to have resentment toward my siblings in that situation, because it would be no fault of theirs. I would just want to know them and have them in my life, that's all.

**Little** · 07-25-2011 07:47 PM

My oldest brother is in his 40's - his mother and my dad were married as teenagers, but my dad left. Since my father doesn't talk about difficult topics, there isn't much chance to learn "the facts."
Brother #2 is in his 30's, it was actually his mom who kept him away from the family. We have a great relationship now that I wouldn't trade for the world. My sister complains he never talks to her, which is, I think, why she's so negative about making any further connections.
Contrary to how some have responded to this thread, it really is the blood that seems to make the relationship for me. Husband has a lot of step-family and it's always a little awkward for me, trying to understand their bond. I've also recently found out that my biological paternal grandfather is not who I always thought it was (family secrets abound!!!) so I have a LOT of occasion to examine my feelings about blood relatives. It's like a twilight zone.
If I had an absent father, I know I'd be hopping mad about it, probably for a very long time. But as my oldest brother obviously had a father figure and is further along in life, I don't think he would hold onto a grudge. But he may be very comfortable in life and not needing any new siblings either, particularly not ones whose mother is only 5 years younger than him.

**kristalyn_04** · 07-25-2011 08:13 PM

Their ages are irrelevant. You're making assumptions on how they might react to you contacting them, but you don't really know until you give it a try. They might be absolutely delighted to hear from you. Maybe not, in which case you just move on (I know easier said than done if this is really important to you). But, if you do choose to move forward with this, just be prepared for the fact that they may not share your same views on what makes someone "family".

**Little** · 07-26-2011 09:32 AM

Well, I've already messaged older brother, so now I'm just kinda obsessing until he logs in again. He didn't have much recent facebook activity, so I'm not expecting anything back for at least a few weeks.
Plus there's the chance I got the wrong person, in which case, blaaahhhh. Younger brother kept our highly unusual last name, but older brother's new name is more common.
Just a waiting game

And I know that I'm putting words in his mouth, gotta stop that.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-26-2011 03:07 PM

Firstly 40 years old is a mature age to understand things and put them into perspective, plus your Father was married to "his" Mother and things didn't work out.. I would imagine he ended up with a Father image given he has a different name and that does suggest that either 1) that is my Father the one who raised me and so obtains the name, or 2) I'm changing it, my Father abandoned me, until you meet him you won't know how he feels about your Dad.

But as for siblings? Definately I would want to know, I have half "little" sisters? No punt intended

The fact is "You" want to know all your blood relatives and hope to develop a relationship and know your brothers, that's a scary thing to do, press that button and say hi, I'm your sister good for you.. What ever the outcome? Like everything you can't change the way people think and so you ended up finding both but ended up with a bond with one..

Don't stress it... What will be will be... I wouldn't hold it against you, if I was angry at my real Father to be honest, I think you'll find he'll accept you and your sister and it will be fine... But, if he doesn't want to get to know you guys, don't stress it, he just doesn't want to know of your Father it has nothing to do with you, you are just a reminder of what he wants to leave well alone..

I know that my ex-husband and his brother hated their Father... Both changed their main name, but they love their Father's sister and other members of the family...that's all I can go on with my reply