Thread: Boundries for 14 yr. olds

I think that there is nothing on that list you are asking for that is unreasonable at all......matter of fact, your bf should be thanking you for caring enough to impose such restrictions on his son. Obviously, it's about time someone care enough about this kid to practice some tough love and discipline.

The only thing I disagree with is #1, and I disagree because I think that's far too lax. I do not think that 14 year old boys need to be free to be out together with no adult supervision. They're "at the mall" but he's managing to smoke weed and try to steal things at some point, right? When I was 14, my BEDTIME was 9pm, not my curfew. I didn't have a curfew because I wasn't allowed to be out running around without adult supervision. I think he has PROVEN to you guys that he is too young and too immature to be out on his own without supervision.

He is on a road to disaster, and if he lives with you guys, that means you all are on the road to H E double L if you both don't get a grasp on this. Stick to your guns girl.

I agree with BD - when I was 14, 9pm was in bed, 9:30 was lights out. Otherwise, I think you are setting healthy boundaries for him.
Who exactly is he with when he's out until 9pm? Is he alone, with peers? Is he in view of the house? When I was 14, I could *maybe* walk down the road to see a friend or two who lived in the same subdivision. I was always within "whistling distance." I'm thinking of middle-school and 9th grade age, though things get slightly more complicated as a child enters high school - his friends may be old enough to have transportation. If these are the same children he stole bikes with, maybe he shouldn't be allowed out of the house without an adult at all!
Sleepovers are breeding grounds for getting into trouble, bullying, and other peer pressure. I've never heard of a mixed-gender sleepover (um, until college, if you know what I mean.) Sleeping in the same area seems improper, but if they're not up all night chatting and giggling, what's the point of sleeping over? My point is there's NO point to sleeping over at a girl's house at that age, except sexual activity that you don't seem to think he's ready for. (And rightly so, IMHO.)

Though I don't think pot is so bad, I don't think it's appropriate for a minor to smoke it when his custodial parent doesn't approve. Especially when he has a history of poor decisions and irresponsibility.

This child needs strict guidance until he proves he can be trusted. I think you're making a fine beginning and actually doing him a service that he'll thank you for as an adult.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. My bf had a very unusual upbringing and he stands by the "but I turned out okay" when in all honesty he didn't. He was in and out of trouble and since prior to us getting together (we've been together for 6 yrs.) did he really get his life on the right track and he's made huge leaps and bounds throughout that time. When we wouldn't allow him to spend the night at this girls house he then told us he was going to his Mom's since she got evicted from where they were living and he supposedly needs to go out there to "pack up his room" since she found a new place... BUT.... this goes to show you how smart this 14 yr old is that thinks he knows everything.... according to things he's posted on facebook he did in fact spend the night at this girls house and not at his Mom's but when he went out the door it was his Mom that called and pulled up to pick him up but from there I don't know what she has been told.

I showed my bf the facebook page and he said he needs to call the mom to find out what is going on but those conversations typically turn out with a yelling and screaming match and the phone getting hung up, nothing getting resolved and the child knows this and that's why he is able to bounce back and forth and get the permission to do what he wants by basically telling the parents he's with the other etc... I can understand where my boyfriend is coming from because this woman is a nightmare to deal with... when the boy got into trouble with the courts and was supposed to do his community service and had done none of it, I took matters into my hands and called the county that the court order came out of and spoke with the person in charge of his case requesting information on what exactly he needs to do to fulfill this court order, by this point it was past the deadline and I got her to extend it, send a copy of the order to our county so he would be allowed to perform the community service here while he was with us, the project that was due that "supposedly" his Mom threw away was redone that evening because I MADE him redo it and the following four days his community service was done and completed. When I told his Mom on the phone that the order had to be transfered to this county she actually got extremely mad at me telling me that he wasn't my child and I had no right to take it upon myself to do that and she was going to come pick him up (which she didn't end up coming to pick him up) because the custody order is so outdated legally we have no leg to stand on until or unless my boyfriend gets a modification done and to be honest he has a melt down when it comes to dealing with court papers and absolutely nothing gets done. I am so irritated and frustrated with the entire situation and what this child is being allowed to get away with and every time I say or do anything I end up being the bad guy and the restrictions that I put on the boy just get ignored the second my back is turned. I am almost at the point of giving up but I know if I do this child's future isn't going to amount to much because no one will put their foot down and be the parent and stop allowing this child to run the show.

Anyway... thanks for the advice, I really do appriciate it. I know times have changed a lot since I was a teenager and teens these days are given a lot more freedoms but I don't think any 14 yr. old child needs, deserves, or has in any way earned this much freedom and allowing him to have it is not going to lead to anything positive.

UPDATE....
Just thought I would let everyone know. I "thought" my bf was being too lenient on the boy but since we really don't know much about his friends etc... my bf clued me in today that he actually put a keylogger on the computer that his son uses and he wanted him to use the computer so that he could figure out exactly what the boy is up to and with whom. I do believe in privacy but I think when it comes to kids they hide a lot and since we have caught him in numerous lies not to mention the activities he's been partaking in I have no problem in finding out what's really going on with him and I have no problem telling him that we have done this and will continue to do this until the lies stop, and the trust is established. My bf also called his ex and asked her if she knew where their son is and she said "yeah, at his friend Jacob's house" he then told her that no, the first night he was suppposed to be with her (the Mom) instead he was spending the night at a girls house. The Mom basically acted like she could care less. We are looking into court proceedings to modify the current parenting plan and get custody of him and then we are going to lay down some major ground rules with him and impose severe punishments if the rules are broken. I also spoke to my bf about the work for school that he is supposed to be doing in order to continue onto the 9th grade and we are making up a test for all subjects that he should easily pass if he is on the level with completing the 8th grade. If he doesn't pass the test then we are going to speak with the school and see if it would be better to make him repeat the 8th grade this coming school year since he is not on the level he should be to be in the 9th grade and thus far he's not putting forth efforts to get there. I know one thing for sure if he lives with us that is something that I am a stickler on is school work and education and if he is going to live her with us he WILL get an education because you can't get very far without one.
If anyone else has any other advice for me in raising a 14 yr. old it's greatly appriciated.... I want to make sure this kid gets a good start in life no matter how hard he fights it. He may grow to hate me but years from now he'll understand and thank me.