First let me start by saying I love my brother and his wife dearly. They have been there for me when I didn't have anyone else to turn to. They have been together for 14 years. I moved away from them and the rest of my family about 1 1/2 years ago. My two kids, girl age 8 and boy age 11, missed their cousins and their aunt and uncle. We all missed them. So when my brother lost his job and they could no longer afford to live in that area, my husband and I offered help and they moved down here about 10 blocks away from us. Around the same time they moved down here, I lost my daycare funding (lack of funds in the program) and my SIL offered to watch them while I work in the mornings. Considering it was my only option, I don't have friends here, I took her up on it. Since then there have been nothing but problems, mostly centered around my daughter. My daughter is what we call and emotionally intense child who also has impulse control issues. We deal with a roller coaster of emotions from her that swing from one extreme to the other on a daily basis as well as her having a hard time making good choices simply because she so strongly wants to do something that she does it without considering consequences. I acknowledge that dealing with my daughter can be quite challenging and frustrating, but she's not a bad kid.

My brother and SIL have a daughter that is two months older than mine. Ever since they were born I swear it's like my SIL feels it's a competition between the two, something I have done my best to discourage. Another thing we have had problems with (for as long as my SIL has been a mother) is that she is much more strict (to the point of being mean) with kids that aren't hers and MUCH more so with our daughter. Let me give you some examples:

1. My daughter complains that she has to lie to her Aunt before she will believe her. I acknowledge that my daughter does not always tell the truth, but I also know she is not to blame for everything that happens (other kids disobeying rules, etc.). My daughter will be honest but because what she's saying is not what my SIL wants to hear, she tells my daughter she will be punished more severely/longer for lying and then pretty much coaches my daughter into saying what she wants to hear. Every time my husband and/or I have seen this happen and we step in, my SIL loses it and blows up at us, telling us we "fall" for my daughter's "crying act". Now mind you, my daughter will tell me exactly what she did to get in trouble and why it was not ok, as long as she actually did it, otherwise she complains about how she has to lie or be in more trouble. And now she's complaining that her Aunt is calling her names like Little Miss Liar and I've discussed that with my SIL, letting her know that name calling, especially by an adult who is supposed to be setting an example, is unacceptable, but it still happens.

2. My SIL always tries to turn her daughter's bad behavior around to be my daughters fault. My niece got in trouble the other night for disobeying me and going into the boys room after she was told to stay out. My SIL managed to try to turn it into my daughter's fault, saying that my daughter told my niece she could go in the boys room. And somehow that's supposed to excuse my nieces behavior even though she knows that adults are the only ones who can give permission for anything they aren't supposed to do. What my SIL did not know is that my husband overheard what happened between the two girls and my daughter reminded my niece that she was not to go in there and she told my daughter to shut up and went in the boys room anyways. My niece never did get in trouble for disobeying or for lying about what my daughter actually said.....and once again, my SIL yells at me for "falling for the crying act", even though there was no crying and my husband witnessed what happened....she still blames my daughter for her daughter disobeying and lying.

3. My nephew (age 4) has a serious problem with hitting people, kids and adults, especially when he is told to do something he does not want to. I've watched him swing at my brother's face because my brother told him no. I've watched him punch his older sister (age 8) in the stomach with both fists when she offered to help him wash up after dinner. I've watched him walk by any of the other kids and jump on them, punch them, swing objects at them, etc and he only gets in trouble when he hits his baby sister (age 1). My daughter pushed him when he punched her in the face while she was watching TV (my nephew sees fighting as playing) and my daughter was the one who got in trouble because in the words of my SIL, "she's older and should know better than to push a 4 year old." Well, that kid has hit me before and it hurts, I've pushed him away from me when he hits as I've watched his mother and father do too. If [U]any[U] other kid hit like my nephew does, they get put in time out for a minimum of 30 minutes.

4. Both of my kids complain that the house rules at their Aunt and Uncles are not the same for everyone, that the rules tend to apply to my kids and not their cousins.

5. My SIL constantly tells my daughter how wonderful her daughter is and puts my daughter down. My SIL says how her daughter is kind, loving, never ever tells a lie and always shares. Mind you I caught my niece telling my son how they were gonna get my daughter in trouble the next day so that they could play the video games they want without having to share with my daughter. My niece said she would blame my daughter for something that would get her put in time out all day so that she couldn't do anything. When I told my SIL and my brother what was going on, my brother's response was that they (my son and my niece) would not get to play video games then. Which pissed off my SIL who insisted that I didn't hear what I heard, but wouldn't go so far as to call me a liar. Then she said if her daughter did say something like that, then it would only be because my daughter was being mean...my daughter wasn't even there. There have been several other times that my mother, my husband, my brother even or myself have caught my niece lying but my SIL never disciplines her for it (though she does for any other kid caught lying) and always tries to blame her daughter's lying on another kid.

6. My brother and my SIL lectured my kids the other day and the lecture was all about how awful they think we are. My brother told my daughter, "Your mother is an idiot because she falls for your crying act and thinks oh poor Unique." And my SIL says, "Yeah every time you do that , your stupid mother takes you out to buy you stuff." I don't "fall" for my daughter crying, she has some pretty extreme temper tantrums and when she starts in I just kinda roll my eyes and sigh. I get tired of it and sometimes I feel at a loss as to how to deal with her. Sometimes I walk away, but never, ever do I reward behavior like that. I remember one incident, prior to moving, when I had to get my daughter a winter jacket because she did not have one and it was snowing. She had, had a bad day at my SIL's house and I took her to go get her jacket anyways because she needed one and that's when I had planned to take care of it. Me getting her a jacket was not a reward, it was something that she needed, not wanted and they have held that over my head for the last two years because they feel I rewarded her.

7. My daughter told me last night that my SIL tells her she's a bad person with evil in her heart and that she should try to be more like her daughter who is an angel, sweet, loving and never does wrong. My daughter was having a complete breakdown and told me about all sorts of mean, horrible things she's been told and it's always in comparison to my niece.

8. When my daughter and niece were three, we all lived together. My daughter had issues with biting when they would have disagreements. My daughter got in a lot of trouble for biting my niece. When I wasn't home, my SIL would give my daughter tablespoons of hot sauce for biting and when I found that out, I put a stop to it. Then my SIL's mother told me that she discovered that my niece (her granddaughter) had been hiding in her room biting herself, sometimes breaking her skin, and then running out to get my daughter in trouble for it. She discovered this when my niece blamed my daughter for biting, but my daughter had been with my SIL's mother when it happened. Then she caught her doing it a few more times. Not once did my SIL apologize for hurting and punishing my daughter, nor did her daughter ever have consequences for it.

9. My brother and his wife have vastly different parenting styles from me and my husband. While I may not agree with them, I don't tell them they are wrong. I only ask that they respect and enforce our house rules when they are over. Like making the kids eat at the table instead of running around with food. We have a nice house with new furniture and because their kids are allowed to run around with food at their house, my new couch (5 months old) is now horribly stained because they did not enforce our rules until my husband blew up at her after finding her 4 year old and 1 year old on the couch with soaked diapers and popsicles. My SIL was outside smoking instead of watching her kids. We also asked that the 1 and 4 year old not be left inside when she goes outside to smoke. We have a huge yard and a pool they can play in, including a wading pool for the baby.

10. Just because our parenting styles are different does not mean that one is any better or worse than the other. It's what works for our family. While I don't agree with a lot of the things they do, that's up to them. Both my brother and my SIL are constantly trying to tell me and my husband how they feel we are wrong in how we parent or deal with our daughter or son. I don't do that to them and I certainly would never put them down to their children. Which you can see they have.

My husband, my mother and I have all tried to sit them down and talk with them. Every time we get told we are out of line and my SIL blows up, then my family ends up not talking for days, weeks and even 2 1/2 years once. My SIL is the main problem and my brother doesn't have the backbone to stand up to her when she's being unreasonable and mean to the kids. My brother however does acknowledge that his daughter is not the angel her mother thinks she is and has even told my SIL that she must be dumb, deaf and blind if she thinks their daughter can do no wrong. I am at my wits end. I love my family, all of it, even though I don't always agree with them. I don't want to cause any more problems, but the situation with my daughter is getting out of control and I don't know how to approach them without causing one or both of them to blow up. They don't communicate well, they can talk all day long at someone, but they can't listen. My kids enjoy going over there most of the time, but lately my daughter dreads it. Since they are home schooled and I lost my daycare, I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I can't quit my job to stay home, we can't afford it. I have taken my daughter to a behavior therapist and gotten several ideas and suggestions for how to deal with her effectively and these are things my husband and I have implemented with success. Some things have taken longer to work, my daughter is quite stubborn. I've shared all of this with my SIL and brother, but neither of them is willing to try because it's not what they would do with their kid or because they tried something once and it didn't work immediately so they won't try it again. They are quick fix, instant gratification kind of people.

How in the world can I get through to them? I'm worried what a lack of consequences will do for my nieces and nephew as they get older, how can I convey that without telling them they are wrong? How can I get my SIL to realize that it's wrong to compare kids? No two are the same and never will be so each has to be dealt with in a way that is effective for that child. How can we get them to respect that we have different parenting styles and likely always will? I just don't know what to do. I don't want to alienate them, but I can't let this situation just continue. Any advice is appreciated.