Am I being selfish?

**Trishlm89** · 08-13-2011 08:12 AM

Alright, so I'm engaged as of March this year. When my fiance and I first got engaged we figured we would wait until 2013. However, recently we've realized his grandma may not make it until then so we wanted to move it up.
My sister got engaged 2 months before me and set her date for June 9th, 2012.
I found out that a lot of my family members on my dads side, including my god father, will be in town in July of 2012 for my grandma's 85th birthday. I figured if my fiance and I moved it to July, i can have more of my family at my wedding.
I asked my sister if it would be ok to move the wedding a month after hers and she was ok with it. As long as she got married before me she was ok with it.
Well, about a month ago she started realizing not as many family members will be going to her wedding now because of mine.
My mom called me about 3 weeks ago, saying my sister called her crying. My mom then proceeded to say that i'm selfish for moving my date.
I tried explaining to her that she had already set her date and some of my family members were already planning on being in state the next month for our grandmas birthday. I told her about my fiance's grandma, and that my god father has been going through a nasty divorce and i didn't know if he would have the money to come to my wedding any other time. She continued to tell me I was selfish.
Am I really being selfish?

**jns** · 08-13-2011 08:39 AM

You are not being selfish. You are moving things up for real reasons whether your mother sees it or not.

**Little** · 08-13-2011 08:46 AM

Seems like your mother listened to little sister's crying, then promptly stopped listening. You're not being selfish, you're being realistic.

**Trishlm89** · 08-13-2011 08:55 AM

Funny thing is.. I'm the little sister. She's older than me. I've never really understood how my whole family situation works. I have two older sisters. My oldest sister got pregnant when she was 19 and ended up having two kids before she eventually married. Which, I'm not saying is bad at all. My other sister got pregnant at 20 and is now engaged to a guy other than her sons father. Again, nothing wrong with that knowing the circumstances. Both sisters have gotten in trouble with the law in their teens. Then there is me. The youngest. The one who hasn't gotten in trouble with the law, the one that hasn't gotten pregnant at a young age. The one who's only mistake is not being able to stay in college. (because I was working 2 job's trying to pay for everything) But yet, if i ever need anything. Really need anything.(which is very rare) My family can't help me out. Mostly because they are still helping my sisters. They are helping my sisters because they have children. I may sound selfish in this area but why is it that I'm the 'good' child but yet I don't get any help. It just really frustrates me how my family is and acts sometimes.

**jns** · 08-13-2011 09:08 AM

When you get married, you have to consider what is good for the two of you and then the two of your families. Your mother doesn't care about his grandmother's frailty. Don't go down the same road.

**Little** · 08-13-2011 09:20 AM

My best friend gets this same treatment. Her brother did everything all out of order, continues to screw up in big ways, etc. Whereas she has always tried to to everything "right." Her reward is to watch brother's every move get rewarded and cleaned up after, while she's on her own.
She's the family's bastion. They count on her to get it right, and if she doesn't, she's on her own. Sounds like this is the way it is for you too. Your parents are so wrapped up with cleaning up after your big sisters that they don't have time or resources to devote to you. They want so badly for something to go "right" for your sisters, that if anything gets in the way - even you - they're battling it. Because your big sisters are "fragile," and because "you can take it."
This isn't acceptable behavior for adults, BTW, but they've been sucked into it. Don't get sucked in yourself.
Do your thing. Get married when the important people in your life can be there - as you've planned. Don't give it a second thought. You deserve it, and if nobody else can tell you that, you have to tell yourself.

**Trishlm89** · 08-13-2011 09:21 AM

yeah, we've already talked about that. Both of our families are little, let's say, different. We know what we want and don't want to do when it comes to starting our own family.

When it comes to my mom, I know she loves me, but she tends to be very insensitive about how I feel. It's been that way since my junior year in high school. That's been what, 6 years now. My step dad and I never really got along. I was emotionally abused by him. He once told me monkeys were smarter than me. (I got a C on a Math test) I went to bed crying almost every night for two years. Everytime I brought up how i felt they always told me i was just feeling sorry for myself. I went through a lot my last two years of high school and I became depressed. about two years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, after several trips to the ER. I told my mom about it and about why I was depressed. She told me I was just in one of my "moods" again. That I was trying to tear the family apart with my lies. My mom and I have had a lot of ups and downs. (mostly because of my step dad) I just wish she really understood what I've been going through. I wish she would believe me for once. But i guess this is what i get and what i have to live with.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-13-2011 03:33 PM

I say this all the time, but we can't choose our parents, we can only choose to not take from them what we believe is wrong and introduce that to our children

For some reason, the one that can stand on their own? Do the right things? Is the one that is neglected.. And, treated with hard love, seemingly because "oh she's okay, she'll make it, must concentrate on the others"...

It sounds as if your Mother, is somewhat a bit either like your step-dad, cold love or is blinded by him..

There maybe some jealousy with your sisters with you, after all you turned out the "right way" not saying either that what they did was wrong, like you, it's life and you don't judge and accept, but probably they would have liked to have not gotten into trouble, not got pregnant that young and struggle... There would be jealousy over that, non-intentional..it's a shame that they don't see it's not to win tickets, on your family's attendance and winning, it's about his family and what is special to you.

Just do what you want, it's your life and never let others bring you down.

PS: You better have reported that screen on the window

**sourpuss** · 08-15-2011 06:15 PM

Originally Posted by Little

Seems like your mother listened to little sister's crying, then promptly stopped listening. You're not being selfish, you're being realistic.

Agreed. It makes perfect sense. If they can't see that you're doing it to include your boyfriends grandmother and to make it easier on your family, then they are the ones being selfish.