havng issues with son...

**wendilee** · 08-17-2011 08:09 AM

first off he is 8, will b 9 in november. his father and i are separated, and we will NOT be getting back together. he has seen alot more than he should have, and i know this is hard on him.
i moved out of the house with my son on June 1. i had been staying in the spare bedroom since feb 1. up until 3 weeks ago, we were doing great.
he went to my sisters 30 mins away and stayed for the week, then he was back for a few hours before his father picked him up for visitation. then on sunday when i went to get him he was fine, then about 2 hours later he just started crying saying he missed his dad, ok, i get that. so i called his dad and said that he was crying. dad came and picked him back up and let him stay another night. no problem, i dont want him to be hurting more than he should.
well it has turned into, i dont even know, ridiculousness he refuses to come back to my house, and when/if he does, all he does is cry and stay so close to me i cant breathe. this is totally not like him at all.
in know his dad has told him that he will be moving in a few months and then he is gonna get me to move back in with him. (he has the woman he cheated on me with living in "our" home) which is bad for him to say bc its not gonna happen.
this is confusing for our son.
at his dads he has his brother, and her kids to play with all the time. there is always something to do,and he says he is bored at my house. (like hes supposed to be entertained all the time.) but that is no reason for him to be acting the way he has been. he has made himself sick, he wont sleep in his bed alone, and if i let him fall asleep then go get in my bed, he will follow. he shakes, almost like he is scared to death.
i am soooo utterly confused as to how to handle this situation. he is staying with his dad right now, and cries if i even ask him to come over n visit. he is gonna have to come home next weekend tho, school will be starting, and his father cant get him there as he has to be to work before school time. and his dad is not gonna rearrange his schedule for him. (i know selfish but that is the kind of person he is...)
anyway, any advice you may have as to how to handle this please please speak up and let me know. im desperate.

**WildChild** · 08-17-2011 08:42 AM

Your son is seeking reassurance that you are there for him. There are probably some conflicting emotions about having fun at his father's being disloyal to you. Sending him right back to his father's when he cried may have been well intentioned but was probably not the best response.

TALK to him, he needs to know in a way he can understand what is happening. Do not get nasty about his dad, just explain it.
"When people get married they promise to be close in a special way with only each other. Daddy decided to spend time with (gf) and so we moved, now daddy is living with (gf) instead of with mommy. That is daddy's choice but he is still your dad and I am still your mom. I love you and you live me and you get to spend time with daddy too.

In a manner of speaking he is scared to death. His world has been ripped apart, his sense of security has been damaged. He certainly can get it back but it will take time, patience, love and understanding. Let him talk and express his feelings, whether you like them or not. If he expresses anger don't try to talk him out of it, rather confirm it, "so that really made you mad?"

I think you need to get him home now so he can start adjusting before school starts. This is his new reality. Leaving him with the gf, all you know about her is that she and her kids moved right in on your heels, is a bad idea. Seek counseling if you need to. You set the standard. How you respond will largely determine how he responds.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-17-2011 09:02 AM

Ditto to WC's post. This kid is screaming out, but instead of helping him (I know that's why you're here..) you're band-aiding the issue by sending him back to his dads and allowing him to decide when he comes home, if you come visit etc.

He's angry. Angry that you are no longer with his Dad. Angry that you left. Right now, in his eyes, he sees Dad happy with new GF and he probably thinks "Why couldn't mom be happy with dad, that woman is". He's too young to understand the emotional devastation one spouse causes the other when cheating.

Aside from his just needing reassurance, I think he's very uncomfortable and having a hard time adjusting to his new home. Dad is still in the home he's grown up in and is most comfortable with. That is his comfort zone. He's not letting go of the comfort zone, because it's the only shred of "family" he has left. And Dad is telling him you are going to get back together, therefore when you don't, who is the bad guy in an 8 year olds eyes? You.

You've got to be firm with this. Be reassuring and prove to him that your life is stable and happy even with his dad as your husband....but don't band-aid his issues. Soon enough he'll be old enough to understand the situation a little better and one day he'll THANK you for not going back to a man who cheated on you. Talk with him, prove yourself to him, be patient with him and his clingyness. He will get past it with time and reassurance.

**Crystalblue** · 08-17-2011 10:46 AM

I was his age when my parents got divorced and I remember it being scary for me to. His home is his comfort zone. I remember my dad coming to pick me and my siblings up for the talk about how it wasn't our fault and they each still loved us very much. When it was time for us to leave with him, I remember breaking down and clinging to my mom. I didn't understand what was going on, and in my mind, it felt like we were abandoning my mom. I didn't want anyone left behind.

Once we got into the routine of spending the week at home, and going to dad's on every other weekend, I adjusted. He's young and it is scary, but it's really important to have a schedule. After the time with each of you has been set, it needs to be kept so he can see that nobody's going to disappear from his life. Be careful about changing plans while he's getting used to y'all being apart. Setting time with each of you is going to be important. Maybe you could even get him his own calendar to mark the days he'll be with dad, something he can see and not have to ask about, but I would stop letting him go back before his set time with him.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-17-2011 03:50 PM

This is unfortunately a crutal time for him, he's young, he's confused and he needs as much love and attention as possible, you are going to have to wear that to help him through.

Tickle him, run after him, play games, let him sleep with you if he needs to for the time being, he needs to know it's all going to be okay.

And, yes, tick your ex off for filling him with his own beliefs as to what will happen, he needs to realise that separation for a child is daunting, scary and just be there for him instead of filling him with his dreams, thoughts because that's just wrong.

**beaver-mom** · 08-21-2011 06:05 PM

Maybe you could even get him his own calendar to mark the days he'll be with dad, something he can see and not have to ask about, but I would stop letting him go back before his set time with him.[/QUOTE]

ROUTINE....is very impottant for him right now, He's life is changing and he needs to know what is going to happen and when. Spend lots of extra big "Q" time with him.