Thread: how to deal with inlaws????

My in-laws are nice but they can also get in the way as well. When my husband and I make decisions it seems like they treat him like a child. When we go on trips my mother in law has to come where ever we go. I just say to myself doesn't she have a life of her own. (Why doesn't she hang with her husband?) When my husband has to communicate with someone about his job or anything he goes straight to his mother. Any breaking news, he goes to his mother. During the day he calls his mother instead of me while he is at work. I am not trying to be jealous about this but she is getting in the way of our relationship. My husband still has a joint bank account with his mother now tell me what is that! I don't even have one with him and we have been married for five years now. How can I fix this problem? Is this normal?

Your husband is still her little boy. And she rules.

You can use this marriage and relationship as a kind
of 'base' to 'set up yourself'.

If you work, save your money. Suggest eating over
at her house as often as possible so as not to have
to buy food, in fact, unless you own the house, move
in with her...let her take care of you and him, and
save your money, and make your plans to move on.

As he's being unfaithful, you do nothing, let her
handle it. She will identify with you. In her mind
she is his mother/wife...
so he is being unfaithful to her.
You retreat.
Only look about your work and your education,
let her look about every thing else.
Let her embarass herself by chasing him down
and catching him with his girlfriend.
Stay out of it.

When you're ready, you divorce him.
Between his mother and his girlfriends
he's very busy.

Hi Yeah i had the same prob i used to live with them for 8 years they were telling us what to do i just kept it all to myself till one day i couldn't hold it and my father-inlaw think's that im going after another guy when i was alone at my mother's place,and he tell's my son bad thing's about me and my son tell's him how do you know it was mum? etc.my father-inlaw doesn't come much to our place i try to be nice to him but he brags it up when my famliy's come's.over what does he want from me? it's not his my husband..geeze..lol
got more to tell it's a long story i guess alot of us are like that.

oh well i hope we're not like that for our kid's...good luck and stay well

My first husband's mother 'adopted' me.
I was twenty two, not sixteen, but I
might as well have been fourteen.

We were living with her, and then
she made a few remarks to him
about being a man, and we moved.

Oh my!

She would make sneak attacks on my house
early in the morning, like six am.

Then I left for school, left two little children
him, and well, it was a little more than she
bargained for, because she didn't like him
all that much and didn't expect to 'win'
so conclusively.

After the divorce she was very upset...
I was her daughter, he was....well I don't
know how she rearranged the world to
come to that conclusion.

But I learned this;
Never make it 'me' or 'your mother', cause
even if you 'win' you lose. Let her win.

The point is she wants him to chose her
over you, if you make the choice for him,
'go to your mothers', then what did she
win?

Originally Posted by kaylar

Your husband is still her little boy. And she rules.

You can use this marriage and relationship as a kind
of 'base' to 'set up yourself'.

If you work, save your money. Suggest eating over
at her house as often as possible so as not to have
to buy food, in fact, unless you own the house, move
in with her...let her take care of you and him, and
save your money, and make your plans to move on.

As he's being unfaithful, you do nothing, let her
handle it. She will identify with you. In her mind
she is his mother/wife...
so he is being unfaithful to her.
You retreat.
Only look about your work and your education,
let her look about every thing else.
Let her embarass herself by chasing him down
and catching him with his girlfriend.
Stay out of it.

When you're ready, you divorce him.
Between his mother and his girlfriends
he's very busy.

Yes my husband is a big baby. Thats all he wants to do is cry to mommy when ever he gets a chance. I am just ignored most of the time. Since I have kids I can't just pick up and leave but just like you say use this as a stepping stone to get back on my feet then leave when I get the chance. Nothing is working anymore. I see the signs of a failing marriage right before my eyes and I try to work it out but my husband always blames me. Hes not willing to make a change. I don't think he even sees it needs changing. I will try not worry anymore......

I used her actions to my advantage.

There I was, married, two kids, and with her
all over the place, I realised hey...I'm almost
back where I was before I got married.

I applied to Law School, was accepted, and
left my children for her to raise.

After all, she always wanted to raise them,
so she got her chance.

She 'won', she got her son back, she got
my kids. I got an education.

I realised that to play her game would
condemn me to failure.

So I capitulated and it worked out
well.

Away from him and meeting new people
I escaped.

i started of this thread by complaining about my inlaws and the way they treat me. Now..they are planning to visit again in the summer (lord help me) i mentioned what happened the last time my father in law visited, he accused me of cheating.
I tried talking to my husband about when they visit in the summer. I told him that i will not be able to go through what they put me through the few times they came here and that if they do i will wanna leave until they go back, ONLY if its too much for me to handle. well, he told me that they will think that they cant visit there son anymore if i leave, so does that mean i have to stay and take all the they say and do to me? i told him when it comes to his parents he dont stand up for me like he suppose to. he stood up for me many times i just feel hes to easy on them. when his mom told him that i spend too much, he asked her "what does she buy thats makes you think she spends too much" , when i feel like he should have said" you are not the one to decide wether my wife spends too much or not".
Well our talk about me leaving if they give me hard time lead to a fight, i got too emotional about it and started stressing ,i really dont want this to come between us and it is. He thinks he will hurt his mom if he confronts her about anything. he also thinks that any child would do like he does, not confront them because they are his parents.
I want to know how to cope with this, how to talk about this with my husband in a way that will not lead to a fight, how to deal with my inlaws if they are giving me a hard time when they come, mostly i dont want this to be a problem in my marriage. HELP!

Originally Posted by patricias213

i started of this thread by complaining about my inlaws and the way they treat me. Now..they are planning to visit again in the summer (lord help me) i mentioned what happened the last time my father in law visited, he accused me of cheating.
I tried talking to my husband about when they visit in the summer. I told him that i will not be able to go through what they put me through the few times they came here and that if they do i will wanna leave until they go back, ONLY if its too much for me to handle. well, he told me that they will think that they cant visit there son anymore if i leave, so does that mean i have to stay and take all the they say and do to me? i told him when it comes to his parents he dont stand up for me like he suppose to. he stood up for me many times i just feel hes to easy on them. when his mom told him that i spend too much, he asked her "what does she buy thats makes you think she spends too much" , when i feel like he should have said" you are not the one to decide wether my wife spends too much or not".
Well our talk about me leaving if they give me hard time lead to a fight, i got too emotional about it and started stressing ,i really dont want this to come between us and it is. He thinks he will hurt his mom if he confronts her about anything. he also thinks that any child would do like he does, not confront them because they are his parents.
I want to know how to cope with this, how to talk about this with my husband in a way that will not lead to a fight, how to deal with my inlaws if they are giving me a hard time when they come, mostly i dont want this to be a problem in my marriage. HELP!

Your husband and you need a policy of joint agreement. It is a verbal understanding between your husband and you that says you make decisions together, and put each other first. All decisions must be enthusiastically agreed upon. If one spouse does not agree with the other enthusiastically, the decision is null and void. They are 3 results to your scenario: go on as is (you say is stressful), give in to husband's view (not want to confront because they are his parents), or have husband respect your wishes (cut in-laws out). Hearing a comment about your mother-in-law saying that you spend too much money is not disrespectful towards you. If she were disrespectful toward you, you have every right to blackball her from you and your husbands lives. Your relationship needs to be strong enough to endure the "cutting them out" option. That's why a polcy of joint agreement is essential in every marriage. Good luck.