how to deal with inlaws????

imported_patricias213 · 06-10-2006 04:08 PM

i need some advice on "how to deal with inlaws", my husband and i both live in NYC , his family lives all the way in the caribbean, however they try to tell us how to lead our lives when my husband and i should be making that decision. when they do come here on a vacation it gets so frustrating for me, they want to control everything. Last year they were here and i was not working , which was fine with my husband , my mother inlaw totally had a probelm with it and would bug me about it everyday. now they are back in the caribbean but yet they still try to rule our lives.my husband friend needed a place to stay for a little while so we told him he can stay with us until he found an apartment, so 2 months after my father in law came up on a 3week vacation, after 1 week he approaches my mom and ask her " is your daughter having an affair with (my husband friend) i was really hurt when my mom told me that. i have to say they never really even liked the idea that there son married me. i just dont know how to deal with them, i try to ignore them but its hard. i'm i overreacting?

imported_wzrdozfan · 06-12-2006 11:39 PM

I had a similar situation. The deifference being, my inlaws were 20 minutes away. My father in-law even went as far as to try to talk my husband into a divorce! Even bragged about it at my daughters Christening!

It took 10 years for my husband to realize the manipulation that his parents and sisters were up to. FOrtunately for me and my 3 girls, the realization came 6 weeks after the divorce encouraging! Emails were accidently sent to my husband which were ment for others eyes (not mine or my husband). Needless to say my husband was quite shocked at what he read and FINALLY believed me about his family.

He stood up to them and told them it was his life! We were fortunate a job transfer came thru and now were 2000 miles apart! The visits are rough, but there short!

Hang in there! Ask your husband to say something so your not the bad one.

imported_patricias213 · 06-13-2006 10:14 AM

thanks... my husband know how they could be sometimes but its hard for him to believe his family would say such things. i guess i should consider myself lucky that they are not living close by, they're only here on vacation which can be the roughest part. when they are here tough my husband and i always seem to be fighting or we always get mad at eachother and when they are not here we are great. thanks again for the reply

imported_andrea7677bird · 07-03-2006 09:11 AM

I had trouble with my ex family, his mother, sister and most of the women on his side did not like me, they did not want to accept me at all, we got engaged, things still did not change.. He had children and ex wife with all this going on I decided to bail, too much baggage for me. Now I am with a man who has no children and his family are great towards me Life is much better... It's real hard when you don't get along with your inlaws however you don't live with them and for the sake of your husband just grin and bare it!!!
Cheers Andrea

imported_patricias213 · 07-03-2006 02:55 PM

thanks andrea!! we're hoping to start a family within the next year or 2 so i just hope they dont come in between i want us to stop having fights about them before we start our own family, fighting over them will just make me more frustrated. i'm really trying though....its the one thing that comes between us. i am really, hoping that its gonna be over soon because i dont want to bring our child into this drama lifestyle. i'm i on the right track here? i have no clue about dealing with inlaws, i certainly dont like fighting..and i love my husband very much.

thanks for all the replies if you all have any more advice please share it with me

imported_gabbcat · 08-02-2006 08:36 AM

I just checked this out so if if still need any advice I like to share.

Keep in mind that you are not alone, however my mother in law lives with my husband, me, and my two daughters. Its even harder when she tries to over ride everything I teach my girls, and tries to degrade ME. She has lived with us for 8 yrs. Since we bought our house, she has health issues and is on a limited income due to medications, we won't be ridding of her anytime soon.

How do I deal with this? I stand up for myself when I need to. Yes there can be a lot of arguments, but then there are times when you have to like the last reply said, grin and bare it,and let it roll off your shoulders. GOD gave women strong shoulders to stand the burdens we face. You also need to talk to your husband and he needs to be a man and stand up for you if he loves you. If not its going to get worse when you start having children.

I hope this helps.

imported_ChadsGoose · 08-09-2006 10:56 PM

I found this website by accident! This will feel good just to get this out there. 4 years ago we built a house down the street from my Mother In Law. I knew better, but did it anyway. (Our son was starting to crawl, and we lived in a really bad/unsafe place for a toddler) My husband owned this land before we were married, anyway I agreed. He said that if it did not work out that we could move after 2 years. As I mentioned, that was 4 years ago. We have absolutely no privacy. She is a huge gossip, that badmouths everyone, and gets on the phone with the neighbors about everything. I am miserable out here. (In the middle of nowhere) I have begged to move for years. She is the most horrible person I have ever met. From trying to tell us how to vote, to where I should plant my flowers. I mostly just stay inside to avoid seeing her. Living here has made me totally depressed, and I have lost myself. By the way, I love my husband very much and it makes me so sad that he does not move us away. Divorce is not an option for me. Trust me, if anyone out there thinks they have bad inlaws, it could be way worse!!!!! I live down the street from the most overbearing know it all Mother In Law in the world.

imported_patricias213 · 08-10-2006 10:46 PM

aww sorry chadsgoose, i dont know what i would do if mine was living close by...i would be mad eveyday and sad. i dont understand why they dont just let us live our lives the way we want to and let us make our own decisions in life, i understand if they have opinions but dont actually make a decision for me...it gets frustrating ....

imported_MELISSATOSTE · 11-16-2006 11:58 AM

HEY EVERYONE,

I REALLY NEED SOME HELP AND REASSUREANCE. MY IN LAWS A TERRIBLE! SEE I AM 20 YEARS OLD AND I'M GETTING MARRIED IN JANUARY. MY SITUATION IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT JUST BECAUSE MY IN-LAWS HAVE LOVED ME FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS THAT MY FIANCE AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER. THEY BAUGHT ME EVERYTHING MY MOTHER IN LAW AND I USED TO GO EVERYWHERE TOGETHER, WE KNEW WHERE EACHOTHERS A$$ES WERE AT ALL TIMES. IN AUGUST OF 2006 MY FIANCE PROPOSED TO ME AND FROM THEN ON IT JUST WENT DOWNHILL. I WAS PLANNING A ENGAGEMENT PARTY AND MOTHER IN LAW WANTED TO TAKE OVER BY PICKING THE FLOWERS AND HAVING US PAY FOR IT AND EVERYTHIING. SHE CALLED ME AT WORK ONE DAY AND STARTED YELLING AT ME THAT MY FIANCE IS AN IDIOT AND THAT SHE HATES HIM.SHE ALSO SAID THAT SHES BEEN PLANNING THE WHOLE THING AND WE ARE UNGRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING THAT SHES DONE THEN SHE CAME OUT AND TOLD ME "I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU CANCEL THIS **** PARTY" I CALLED HER BLUFF AND CANCELLED THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY BECAUSE I HAD HAD IT BY NOW WITH HER AND HER ANTICS. AFTER THE PARTY WAS CANNCELLED SHE TURNED ON ME AND STARTED CALLING ME BAD NAMES TO PEOPLE BAD MOUTHING ME AND MY FIANCE TELLING US THAT WE ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED ETC. SHE ENDED UP KICKING ME OUT OF THE HOUSE AND WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. SHE IS A REAL MEAN LADY SHE DOES NOT SPEAK TO HER MOTHER, FATHER, 2 BROTHERS, HER IN-LAWS, THE ONLY PEOPLE SHE HAS ARE HER "FRIENDS". I'M SCARED OF WHAT THE FUTURE HAS TO HOLD AND IF THIS WILL CAUSE A PROBLEM IN THE MARRIAGE. MY FIANCE HAS BACKED ME UP 100%

imported_kaylar · 11-16-2006 02:15 PM

Well, I was a daughter in law, (who got custody of the relatives
on divorce) and am now a mother in law.

And let me tell you my side...

Before they were engaged; my son's sister and brother, cut him
off because they couldn't stand Her. Let me tell you about Her.

From the day Her came into my son's life she has completely
dominated him, and has custody of his brain.

His older brother was so angry....

Imagine, my son married a 1/2 french 1/2 Cameroonian girl and
they went to France where her parents were, but decided to
go to America...(my son lives in Florida) where they had met
at University.

My mother in law owned the house where the Middle son,
Dumbo was living, and the big son contacted Dumbo and
asked if it was alirght for he and his wife to come with
their furniture and things, for the last he'd seen of the house
it was fairly empty.

"Of course!" goes Dumbo.

Now the house, (I've stayed there) has a great master
bedroom with bathroom and lead to pool. Way down
the hall are two tiny rooms for like I don't know what
as they seem too small and badly appointed to be
for children...(I've seen better maid's rooms).

Big Son and wife assume they would be in Master
Bedroom and Dumbo take a small room.

What?

Her had moved in, (first as a tenant, paying rent
for the Master bedroom) and now was living rent
free as Dumbo's gal.

So they come all the way from France and guess
what? have no space for their furniture, are
expected to go into the tiny room, and all
the Big One could ask, "Why didn't you tell me?"

If Dumbo had told his brother that Her was now
ruling the house, they'd have made other plans.

Well, after that, Big One stopped speaking to
Dumbo.

When the Baby, went up from Jamaica, (we lived
in Jamaica) and wanted to see Dumbo, the Big
One, who hadn't spoken to him for a year, said
okay.

They went over there, but Dumbo and Her was
in the bedroom, and didn't come out for a while
and so Baby got up, just as Dumbo and Her were
emerging, and Left with Big One.

Baby and Big One ceased to speak to Dumbo
after that.

Then Dumbo decides to marry Her, and comes
to Jamaica for the wedding, in which I took
absolutely no part except came.

Big One and Baby did not come. Ignored the
whole thing.

Dumbo started emailing me, and I posted back,
but initiated nothing.

I could tell you from two thousand miles away
that Her had a ring on her finger, Dumbo has
one in the nose, so I was not going to be any
where in that diorama...

Then Her gets preggers, and his father, my
Ex, (known hereafter as The Titanic) goes
to the engagement party...(I didn't, I live
2k away)...and he starts to communicate
with me from that moment, after like twenty
years of silence.

His view is that we should play an active
role in the grandchild's life.

Oh.

I warn him, stay out of it, but he, oh no...
he gets deep into the situation.

The doctor's talk about C section, he contacts
me about it,and I tell him, 90% of all C sections
are unnecessary...
he replies that the doctor wants her to have a
C, he thinks it is because as far as the medical
scene is concerned, they are just two losers and
no one wants to waste time with them.

(We know a lot about baby birthing, cause I
was set on a home delivery, but that didn't
work out, but he was there from the beginning,
in the labour room, with me every single meeting
I had with the pre natal staff...etc. etc. and
we knew all about C section, Inducement etc.
and I had two absolutely natural births, not even
an aspirin...)

So the poor fool is trying to convince them that
a C section is not the first choice...and Her is
certain she is going to have a C section, and
Dumbo agrees with her.

The Titanic goes away, very upset, sends me
emails, and I'm telling him; "Stay out of it."

The birthday is set, and he is there at the
hospital, (I'm not) her mother is there, in charge
of the Earth, and of course, the C section goes
as planned, and the baby enters our lineage.

Now Her decides to breast feed.

I didn't breast feed, I was bottle, measure,
start food on spoon at 28 days, so that
there would be a seamless 'weaning'...
(at six months my daughter threw her bottle
out of the window, and drank from a cup and
ate out of the family pot, and fed herself,
etc. etc.)

All three of my children had a similar history,
fully weaned before their first birth day with
no crying for the bottle, etc.

Her decides to breast feed only.

The baby wakes up every hour on the hour
and cries for food.

Obviously Her is not producing enough milk
but the doctor tells them it's normal.

Child was three months old, waking up every
hour, crying for food, skinny as a rake,
The Titanic is going bananas demanding
I do something.

Me?

No.
I'm a completely hands off, need me call
me, mother in law.

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