In Law problems...advise please!!

**mona123** · 08-19-2011 03:31 PM

A bit of a long rant..but please read, need some comments...
There has been a recent birth in the family (my husbands cousin had a baby). I have never met her (in 12 years), and my husband (or the rest of the family) has not seen her or had any kind of relationship in at least that amount of time. When the baby came we wished her congrats via facebook and email (I got no such congrats from her for both of my kids). My in laws recently decided to drive the 6 hours to visit the new baby. When they got back home, they gave my husband heck for not sending a gift (this had been discussed before, they knew we were not going to). His dad got so mad, that he hung up on my husband. Dh called back right away many times, and dad would not answer the phone. I talked to his mom a few days later, to find out why they are causing a fight over an extended family member that has shown zero interest in the family. I was told that we dont know her situation and we should send something (apparently she is a single mother and not working-I dont see that a $30 gift is going to help her). On top of that, my in laws never, ever come to our house to see the grandkids, and that has bothered me for a long time (they live 10 mins away). I have told them over and over, please stop in to visit anytime, you're always welcome. I questioned my mil why she cant come down the street to visit, but will go 6 hrs to visit. she tells me that they have never felt welcome in our home, so they dont come. what? I always try so hard when i know they are coming to make sure everything is neat, the food is good, etc... In my opinion, we have had a very good relationship...until now. even at my dd last b-day, the party was going on, mil was late, and sat in her parked car until her husband showed up, and wouldn't come into the house until she was escorted. My husband was so hurt by that alone, how can you not feel welcome at the home of your son and grandkids? It is all very stressful, my husband has very high blood pressure as is, and he does not need any undo stress, as they well know. I will support my husband in any decision he makes regarding his family, but he doesnt know what to do either. Any comments, please help!!
Thanks for listening!

**jns** · 08-21-2011 05:09 PM

Originally Posted by mona123

I always try so hard when i know they are coming to make sure everything is neat, the food is good, etc...

Have there been any problems about the in-laws showing up unannounced in the past?

**mona123** · 08-23-2011 05:46 PM

never any problems. the only problem has been that they don't come over to visit. i've told them many times, to please feel free to stop in to visit, we would love to see them. my mil will go a couple of weeks without seeing the girls and will make me feel guilty that i havent brought them over to see her. It's not that they are very old and are incapable of coming over, that would be different too. since this "blow up" last week, we still have not heard from them at all, which is making it worse.

**jns** · 09-03-2011 08:57 AM

Have things settled down to normal?

Does everybody treat your MIL like she is the Queen, and you treat her courteously, but not like royalty? Does she require that to give her attention?

**mona123** · 09-07-2011 07:00 AM

Things are actually still quite tense. My husband had tried calling, but they are now lying and saying that they did not get upset about the whole gift thing, and that we owe them an apology. My husband is always the one that has to smooth things over with them, just to keep peace in the family, this time he will not, he has nothing to apologize about. My MIL is treated well by everyone, and I have always treated her with the upmost respect, but I feel that it is not too much to ask to have some respect back.
It was actually MIL bday recently, we went ahead and got a gift of course, and stopped in to give it to her (called to find out what time was good for her in advance). The upsetting thing about the bday is that whenever it is someones birthday, we always have dinner together to celebrate. We found out that this year Dh's sister was having dinner with them, we were not invited. They stated that they made the reservation for 8pm, and this would be too late for the children.
Anyways, still very frustrating.

**jns** · 09-07-2011 06:18 PM

Good. Start standing up to them and don't let the others manipulate your husband or you. Good luck.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-09-2011 08:29 PM

Older people are set in their ways, I don't know how old you are but it sounds like the your MIL may have felt or feel that you too could drop in frequently with the children so they can see their Grandmother, as you only live 10 mins a way, instead of telling her to do so when she wishes.

I think there is no bond that has developed and she feels that you really don't want her to be involved.

The mere fact that she went off about this "child" being born to me says that she misses what she didn't get from being a part of her own Grandchildrens lives, a mis-sunderstanding from the beginning? Maybe...

Some people are silent and honestly have no idea how to communicate..

Why not say "hey, we'd like you to come for dinner and start to play a role in our children's lives, your grandchildren, I have no idea why we have left this out for so long, I've realised I too could drop over and haven't didn't think of it, with them running around all the time and things to do. I'd love to bring them over to you as well, to spend quality time with their Grandparents, what do you say if we start communicating" Please come and have dinner with us..

I think this is what they are missing...

**stressed** · 09-11-2011 05:25 PM

I've had in-laws-to-be doing the same thing. Living nearby but never visiting and the few times they did was only for a few minutes to fix something at home (and always came together, never one alone). We always told them, especially the mil I who I talked with a lot, that they should stop by, we could make them dinner, have a coffee etc. but they never did.

Do they tend to stay home and invite guests instead of visit other people? Maybe something about the cousin made them visit her (might have felt obliged or guilty to visit, or another family-related reason). Maybe they aren't very social or feel better at home (there are people who don't leave home easily). It's basically your husband who can make them change their attitude, anything you do or say will probably make things worse, but I don't see it changing. It's probably a behavior you'll have to accept.

Maybe you make too much of an effort when they come over and they don't want to put you through much trouble? Like, maybe they'd feel comfortable if everything wasn't perfect.

Have they always been like this even before you married?