Thread: How to Deal with father Abandoment Issues

Hello everyone,

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who is taking the time to listen and help me through this, because this is long.

My name is Christal, and I am 21 years old, and I am currently studying in the Child ad Youth Worker program, and I am going int my second year c-op which will be at a boys group home aged 9-21 years old.
Ive been dating my boyfriend now for 4 years, and he's often told me that I have a trust issue (which is true) and that I need to deal with some emotions.

My parents divorced when I was a baby, about oneish, my dad had affair with another women and decided to choose her with her children rather than his existing family. He never was around when I was growing up, not to see me, talk to me or help my mother with expenses.

When I was 18years old, on my birthday he decided to facebook me, he explained how he wanted to know me and he wanted to wait until I was older to make my own decision. So at first I contemplated and finally I met him. He ended up showing up to my work.
When we spoke he told me he wanted to contact but didnt, ad only the second time I met him after asking him many times if he ever had any children or re-married, and he said no. Finally he admitted that he had a wife in the Philipeans.

Within a couple months we spoke very little bacuse I didnt know what to think or do which i made it clear to him, than finally I met his family (they've been wanting to meet me for a long time. )
by that Christmas he told me he had to go back to Philipeans because he needed to visit his wife.
WIthout a notice he left a couple months later, (i lied he messaged me on facebook when he reached) telling me he was in the Philipeans and wasnt too sure how long he would stay.

So he came one year and missed the next two years, he never messaged me, and again last year on my birthday he messaged me saying happy bday and how he was a bad dad.

I never replied, Ive listen to his side of the story and I told him I dont know what I wanted, and for me it was unsure of whether or not to let him back into my life. it was hard him and his family was a stranger who never was in my life who all of a sudden everyone wanted to be part.

So between messages (like 5) back and forth within the last couple years tellig him where I stood, he was staying in the Philipeans with his suppose wife.
Now I did my best not to contact anyone, and to just move on.

Couple Weeks later.... promise almost done.

His wife messages me on facebook wanting to know about my parents divorce, saying how he lied he didnt go down because she was sick but rather because he was having an affair.

He lied again and I cannot trust him to even tell me the truth, he just wanted o come into my life and turn it upside down and leave again.

I need help on helping me come to ground with this and how people deal with it. As I am afraid working with young boys that theyll be able to see my trust problems and that this issue would surface worse.

I don't know how to come to a closr so I can decide what I want to do with him or his family, this if affecting me alot and I need it to stop.

I'm sorry that your father has been so unreliable in your life. It seems he has his own problems that he needs to sort through as an adult and should be kinder to you because of the issues HE helped cause. He seems quite immature, as does his wife.
You have the option to block both of them on facebook. Your profile, and any of your activity, would cease to exist to them. Their profiles would also cease to exist to you, until you un-block them (if you ever do.) This would give YOU the control to contact them or respond when YOU are ready.

Most people don't really know how to parent when they become parents. But if they're mature, they learn and do their best as they go. But there are those immature people who just never learn how to be mothers and fathers and cause untold damage to their children. Your father needs to grow up a little, do some maturing, before he tries to contact you again. And you may benefit from some counseling too. Children in group homes are often emotionally damaged - they have been taken from their parents, after all. Though your experiences may help them get along with and respect you, they may use it to take advantage of your leadership role. Do what you can to sort yourself out before starting that job.