Parents that don't you want to move out

**Magnetism** · 09-02-2011 10:01 AM

I moved out a few years ago, but I'm wondering if anyone else came from families where parents wanted their adult children to stay with them as long as possible?

I hear of families that tell their kids to get out once they're 18, or feel it's a burden when their adult child moves back in with them. My family is the complete opposite. When I announced that I was moving out of the home, be my mom refused to talk to me for 5 days. She was outraged that I was leaving her. She tried to tell me that I couldn't survive on my own and that bad things would happen to me. On top of that, my ex-boyfriend tried to convince me that I was too dumb to live on my own. He wanted me to continue to live with my parents.

I stayed with my mom up until I was 25, because I didn't want to face her anger and guilt over me moving out. It was embarrassing to tell others "I can't move out, because my mom won't let me", but I truly felt like I was being held at gunpoint when I tried to escape from my mom's control. There finally came a point where I got fed up and realized that moving out was my only way of living a healthier and happier life. My mom even got other people to gang up on me and tell me to stay with her, but it wouldn't work this time. You can only take so much where you one day walk out with no regrets.

I'm asking if anyone has gone through anything similar? Do you have a parent that doesn't want to see you independent and wants you to lean on them all of their lives?

It has been almost 3 years since I've been on my own, and my mom and my ex-boyfriend never apologized for being wrong. Living in a tiny studio in a state where I didn't know a soul was much easier than living with my parents. So much for me being too dumb to live on my own. I feel more safe in the dark streets of downtown than I ever did in my own home.

**KMonte85** · 09-02-2011 10:16 AM

I had something SORT OF similiar with my parents when I moved out.. but without the blatant hostility, that's for sure!

I moved back to my parents house when I graduated from college as it was much closer to my new job, and I had no where to go once I left the campus. To be safe, I stayed with them for a few months (a bad economy and me being so new = first to go if the company is struggling = me leery to sign a year lease anywhere). When I found a place to move out, my mom was U-P-S-E-T! She thought I had planned to live with them forever!

Mom couldn't understand why I would want to live anywhere else.. I tried to explain the need to be independant, for my own space, for social reasons (it's hard to have friends over for a party when Mom and Dad are in bed at 9 and you need to use quiet voices). At 23, with a fulltime job, and a life.. I needed it. Dad got it, but then again, he left his family, friends, and entire country around my age - so my moving 10 miles down the road was not a big deal to him. And then Mom got mad at Dad, thinking he may have said or done something to push my out because he liked me around, but had no qualms with me choosing to live on my own.

THEN she insisted she come with to give the place a last lookover with the landlord before I signed. She found fault with EVERYTHING in that nice place and told me I was wasting my money and should just live at home with them, of course...

But I signed anyway. I felt bad that Mom was having a tough time letting go, but it was the best for me. And once I moved in and was settled, she did finally warm up to the idea and I haven't had a problem since. She even helped me when I decided to make a more permanent change and leave my apartment to buy a house. Now she loves buying me little things to decorate, and giving me little household tips. It just took a little bit of time to make that transition in her mind, I think.

Definitely not as hostile of a situations as yours was, Panera! But you should be proud that you stood up to those people in your life and made the move. And don't hold your breathe on that apology... I'm sure they most likely still think they're right, but who cares! You're happy, and you're living a much easier life! Good for you!

**Magnetism** · 09-02-2011 10:37 AM

Kmonte-My mom did the same thing where she implied "It's so nice here. Why would you want to live anywhere else?"

A part of the reason why I started this topic is there seems to be a stigma on adults that still live with their parents. Did anyone realize that the parents actually want it that way? Every family has their own beliefs and culture that the kids are raised and expected to follow. When one family member rocks the boat, others in the system don't like it and want to preserve the normalcy, no matter how bizarre that "normal" is to other people outside of the family.

**littlekitkat** · 09-02-2011 11:46 AM

Oh man, I hear ya. I'm glad you made this thread. It shows I'm in good company.

My stepmom is blantely like that, my father in a less subtle way. Or at least, they were. When I announced I wanted to save money and start making a plan to move out, my stepmother got into a huge heated argument with me last year. She told me how unrealistic I was in my plan, told me that she didn't want me getting hurt, then flat out said I couldn't move out. I was in my 20's! I have CP and scoliosis. In addition, I'm pretty petite and look young, so she thought the big, bad world would be out to get me I guess.

I had gotten injured at work and have been on disability assistance for awhile. (VERY reluctuntly I might add) so she didn't want me getting a job. She didn't want me to return to campus. Finally, I had to put my foot down. I started planing things more subtlely, and not disscussing those plans with her. When I began apartment hunting, I did have my dad along for some back up and pointers, but my stepmom was ordered to stay home. (I knew I would have gotten a slew of "this place sucks" "I'm tired" "Can we go home" comments)

Suddenly, she changed her tune to the complete opposite. She wanted me out and they sold their place. She told anyone who would listen that she wanted me out. (including a realtior) and it embarassed me. Of course, she left out that she prevously had been trying to keep me home, and instead made it look like I was a moocher or something. I think she was angry that she could not control my plans or me any longer so she tried to find a way to have the upper hand.

I traveled to Hawaii for 4 months (I'll admit, I was scared...but Dad reassured me). I stayed with my aunt but I was very much on my own as she worked long hours and went to school full time. I voluenteered. I came and went as I pleased. I budgeted. I made new friends. I met a guy. Best of all, I learned to think on my feet and realize that not everything goes according to plan, and that's alright. My stepmom still has awful mood swings, but I'm moving out next weekend to my own place with friends. I lost my confidence again briefly, but it's returning. I'm glad you stood your ground and you have a better relationship with your parents. Continue to live your own life. It's so much better isn't it?

**Magnetism** · 09-02-2011 12:42 PM

You are definitely not alone! You're right in that maybe she was mad that she couldn't control you, so her only way of getting back at you was trying to make you look bad in front of anyone that would listen. Good for you on moving out with your friends! It's understandable if you thought the world was scary when you went to Hawaii, because you were constantly told it. Just like I was conditioned to think I couldn't make it on my own.

Yep...freedom is a better feeling to me than all the money in the world. I wonder if any adults on here are feeling stuck with their parents still and feel too scared to move out.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-02-2011 01:01 PM

Can't relate, but just want to say that I'm proud of you for listening to your gut and doing what was right for you. I'm sure there are lots of young people who stay with their parents out of guilt, especially in cases of single parents.