I'm not sure what to do with my life

**mysunandstars** · 09-02-2011 03:31 PM

Hi. I'm sorry, I need some help. I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

I think I could say I have family problems, but I don't even know where to start. I've been abused physically and emotionally by my mother all my life. I honestly don't remember, not even as a child, a moment where she just held me and I felt like she loved me. All my life I've never been good enough. I was a really good student and she always thought there was room for improvement, and her way of showing me that was by screaming and calling me names. She used to hit me a lot when I was a kid, and she would buy me clothes and make me go on diets to fit them. My father never really was around, and he isn't until today. He works a lot and just pays for stuff, and I really am grateful for that. But he tried to kill me one day, and I'm not sure if it was on purpose, I don't remember most of it. I think I was 6 or 7, and I was crying about something. Then I just remember being pinned on the floor, and he was pinching my nose shut and covering my mouth. I don't know how I ended up on the floor, but I honestly thought I was going to die. After some time he let go of me and just walked away. Ever since then I've been slightly claustrophobic and I have kind of frequent panic attacks. Things got a bit better when my brother was born, because they just forgot about me. I was 13. But then my father started making remarks about how I was fat, and so I started restricting what I ate, and before I could realize I was anorexic/bulimic. I ended up going to the hospital by the time I was 15. I really wanted to get treated for it, because struggling with it every day is really painful, but my mother thought it was "just a phase". She's been verbally abusing me ever since, and sometimes we fight. She pulls my hair and scratches me, and I think I punched her once. I honestly feel bad about it. Every time we fight she starts crying and she tells me how I'll never be anything in my life, and how everyone in the family hates me, even my little brother. It makes me really upset. She says everyone says things behind my back, and I think it's true. One day she said I should consider sex trafficking because it's the only way I'll find someone to be with me. I've never had a boyfriend and I just wanted someone who would understand me and emotionally support me. I don't know where to go from here. I need some advice, please.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-03-2011 03:17 PM

Welcome to WH mysunandstars. I am so very glad you're here.

First, what stands out to me the most in what you've written is, what an intelligent, bright, compassionate wonderful young woman. You didn't learn that from your parents, it comes natural for you, it's in your heart, and no one can take that away from you. You are truly someone special.

It literally sends chills up my body to imagine any child being treated this way by their own parents. You should've been removed from your home years ago, but unfortunately many of these types of cases go unnoticed. The abuse and torment those two people have put you through in your young life is unforgiveable and unimagineable. How old are you? Have you ever thought about talking to a school counselor or an adult that you trust?

Your parents are not good people. But most people are generally good. I want so badly for you to be able to get out from under that mess, and get to experience the joys of life that have been cheated from you thus far. But it's not going to be easy. As with everything in life, things worth having require some work. You're first, going to have to be willing to speak to someone you trust about this, ask for help. Secondly, you're going to have to be willing to participate in therapy to work through some of the issues that have been forced into your life. But you CAN do this.

What do I see for you? I see a young woman who gets out of this mess, who grows into a wonderful young adult, who goes off to college and has her own apartment, who has friends and boyfriends and lots of fun. But most importantly, I see a young woman who will be strong, bold, powerful, motivated, and successful. THAT is what I see in you. Don't let then evil of your parents let you believe any otherwise.

Tell us more about you. How old are you? What kind of things do you love to do or wish you could do? What are some of your favorite things? What do you dream of your life being like when you grow up?

*hugs* Again, I'm glad you're here. And I hope you feel the loving warmth of my arms around you from afar.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-08-2011 08:23 PM

I am pleased that you came here.

The realisation that something isn't quite right, perhaps it's not you after all maybe coming to your mind.

And you are right.

It sounds to me that your Mother is a very angry person.. And that she may have had a toxic relationship with your Father, but he left at some stage.

It sounds to me that she couldn't cope thereafter either and took it all out on you.

I too am so sorry for all you have been through but you know you are not alone right? I think people often think "they must be right" until they become their own being, their ownself and start to realise that they did nothing wrong and start to question things.

I think that is where you are now.

I agree with BD in all she says.

When we realise that we are and have been abused, we become to realise that it isn't / wasn't us at all, it was/is them...

Where to go from here? Talk to us... Tell us how you are feeling.. More about where you want to go in life from here..

We are here. And we are listening.

I sent a PM in hope that you ticked to receive those as I note that you returned the next day but not since.. Sometimes threads get lost for a couple of days but BD and myself will check in and see if you have returned to reply.

We encourage others to write to you as well, here.

CW