My mother-in-law

**chaya** · 09-17-2011 01:33 PM

I haven't spoken to my MIL in 3 months. We had a falling out after she said some insulting things about me. My husband calls her regularly but she hasn't came to see him.

This morning hubby said he would like to visit his mother and would like me to go along. He wants to go this afternoon and stay overnight. I told him I didn't feel comfortable about going but I'm still think it over. I'm don't hold a grudge and am willing to forget the past but I'm not sure she is. I don't want to disappoint my husband but I also don't want to go where I'm not liked/wanted. I've been thinking of telling him I'll go but want to stay in a hotel, not at her house. Would this be a mistake? I don't know what to do.

**jns** · 09-17-2011 02:35 PM

Your husband wants the relationship between your MIL and you to be at least civil. If it was a friend of his that had been insulting, I would say that you shouldn't even go, but his mother is family. He cannot divorce her and she did raise him. Ask him if she has promised to be civil to you. If she has, let her get one more bite of the apple by going and doing your part on being civil. Don't bring up what was said in the past. Try not to respond if she does, but point it out to your husband in private. If she will not promise to be civil, I think staying in a hotel nearby would be OK. You need to have some place to take refuge from spiteful words. It will help you from blowing up completely. And possibly leaving early to go there will give you a level of control.

Between my father and my grandmother on my mother's side there was always conflict. My father, who would have physically thrown anyone else who was insulting off of the property, put up with one daylong visit a year. He went outside when my grandmother would not hold her tongue. You could always take along something to do and have in the car, then walk away if needed.

**Little** · 09-17-2011 03:25 PM

I would probably go visit, but certainly not stay overnight in her home. If BOTH of you will stay at a hotel nearby overnight and see how it goes, maybe staying overnight at her home would be a possibility in the future.

After all, you're all adults. It's not like you're going to be staying up all night giggling; there's no reason for her to want you to stay overnight if you're going to be uncomfortable (and I know I would be, given the circumstances.) Let her prove to you that she can host civilly for a few hours before committing to more.

**chaya** · 09-18-2011 12:20 AM

i am in a motel,went to MILs house first. She would hardly talk to me so I just sat in the corner and read my book. i couldn't help but hear what she and hubby were talking about. She was mad because I had gone on the Buddhist retreat and said I was a heathen. i never did hear my husband defend me and i was hating myself for getting so mad at them both. When they were getting ready to go to bed I told my husband I couldn't stay here and to take me to a hotel. he got real mad but we left and came to this motel. When we checked in hubby asked for twin beds, he is still mad and is pretending to be asleep.

I'll just try to study because I know I will never go to sleep. It is nice here I can go out on the balcony and meditate. It is hard to write this on this ipad because my eyes are tearing so much I can't read the small font.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-18-2011 02:12 AM

Chaya, you did what you wanted to do, what you believe in. She has no back bone, she might as well have said that to your face, I class that as beyond rude and your husband should stand up for you, at least in respect to, putting you down whilst you are there...

Respect is in their vocabulary, if they are Christian, perhaps they are hiding behind that notation and don't believe in God's words, "do unto others as you would have done to you", remind him of that.

Don't cry you had a great time and it's your life.....

Keep standing up for what you believe in .

**jns** · 09-18-2011 07:56 AM

I'm sorry that this blow-up happened. Your husband is not being properly supportive by letting his mother attack you. Some Christians believe that they can show the best of their religion by being nasty. It just isn't so. She sounds like my late grandmother. Hold your head up and maintain your beliefs.

**chaya** · 09-18-2011 01:10 PM

I'm still at the motel, my husband went to visit his mother. I told him i would wait here becase I didn't think she wanted heathens in her house. Anyway I have a lot of studying to do while he is away.

He said he had no idea I had overheard the conservation with his mother and she shouldn't have said what she did. I'm trying to stay mad at them, it's bad karma to be angery with anyone. What hurt the most is that he knew how upset I was and he just let me cry all night. He did't try to explain until this morning.

**chaya** · 09-18-2011 01:33 PM

My error.. should have said "i'm trying NOT to stay mad at them.."

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-18-2011 01:47 PM

Ask yourself if your husband is an emotional "type" I don't think he is, especially being a police man. I suspect, if he didn't know that you heard that, then he just thought you were crying because he was upset you wanted to stay in a Motel, more the reason Chaya why you have to communicate your feelings there and then, be assertive, and stand up for yourself and your beliefs, don't let it manifest...

I am sure he will tell her that you heard, I hope she has a heart there somewhere

**chaya** · 09-19-2011 01:13 AM

Me and my husband are barely talking to each other. Now I wish I had just sucked it up and ignored what my MIL said. I should have stayed at her house and not gone to the hotel. I feel like I have forced my husband to choose between his mother and me. The more we talk about it the worse it gets, I don't know what to do now.

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