Mother has changed
Something really odd is suddenly going on in my mother's head. I've been away for a few years, lived with my ex and returned a few months ago since we broke up. She was and is happy that I've returned, I've always had an excellent relationship with her, she always told me she loved me on the phone, how she missed me etc. I've only had one big argument with her and that was when I wanted to stay with my ex abusive boyfriend many years ago, while she wanted me to break up (and she was right).
Anyway, this great relationship lasted until my brother also returned from abroad a few months ago (he's older, in his late 30's). Since then she's been very protective of him and always blames me for things going wrong at home, which lately has been happening on a daily basis. Today something similar happened and even my father told her off this time, because this is obvious. She always takes my brother's side and is harsh towards me.
I understand she's under stress, since neither of us has a job, but I can't explain her behavior all of the sudden since my brother returned. As if I'm an equal to her and not her daughter sort of thing. She still has her "old" moments, but she won't miss the chance to blame me for something. She's never been like this before, we've always been great friends and I tell her everything. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, because I don't want to make her sad, but we can't live like this in the same home all together like that, it gets on my nerves. I can't stand this sort of sudden competitiveness and blaming over no reason.
Can anyone make sense of this?
I'd like to add that we've all lived together before for many years and my brother's only been away for a year, so it's not that much of a huge change at home. So it's not like she hasn't seen him in ages. I have a great relationship with everyone in my family and don't argue with my brother either. I mean, we're fine, it's just this between me and her that has suddenly changed.
your mom was an empty nester (just her at her house, no children)? and then you and your brother moved back home?
Is it possible Stressed, that given you and her were so close, not like Mother and Daughter that the years you spent away, she had enormous difficulties with, like loosing her best friend..
Now you are home and your brother, she feels he will stay but you will go again and the heartache this time, will be too much for her so she is guarding her heart?
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
I can understand your frustration. You're a very observant intelligent person, and are going to notice even the slightest change in behavior...much less something so obvious. I think you're either going to have to A. Talk to her in a calm way like a "hey mom...love you and the relationship we've built together...but something weird is going on since brother moved home..." etc. or B. take it with a grain of salt and hope it passes.
Mothers often have a very odd relationship with their sons. I say "odd" because it seems that no matter how old the son gets, mom still often has that "he's my little lamb" syndrome and "little lamb" still loves it. It's possible she's totally unaware she's doing this...and it may pay off to bring it up in a non fighting kind of way. It sounds like the relationship YOU have with your mom is much more normal for someone your age than what she has with your brother.
"Be what you're looking for."
"The next time you're thinking of kicking someone when they're down, offer them your hand and help them back up instead."
It may be that your mother feels that by helping you out that she is able to help your brother out less than she would be able to do otherwise.
I have questions about your past relationships, stressed. Did your mother want you to marry any of your SOs? Did she expect you to have continuing income from a settlement in the case of separation? I'm wondering if she is blaming you for not having alimony to rely on? I am asking these questions because when I was in my twenties, a monthly stipend was what some women wanted out of a marriage if things didn't go precisely their way. It was openly discussed by some women I knew at that time. Of course some of the others just wanted a sugar daddy. I'm sorry if my attempt at understanding the situation doesn't fit your mother's situation. I am not trying to be insulting.
I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
...
Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?
Patrick Henry
maybe mom is feeling overwhelmed. my children are adults and not longer live with me. if one not to mention two were to move back home, no mater how glad i would be to help, it would cause me stress because i was use to living alone and my life has now been disrupted. not saying i would not welcome the disruption, just saying it would cause added stress.
It was her and Dad living together (and they were less stressed without us at home, which is expected I guess). Now I feel we've kind of ruined that, but it's financially impossible to do anything else at the moment. It's also common in South Europe for children to stay with parents until they have a job and mostly for the daughters until they marry, but there's no rule for it. There's more of this sense of a "traditional" family, the father is responsible for the finances etc.Originally Posted by Cyndie32
Hmm...I've been away for a long time before, returned, had this huge argument we had, and then she went back to normal again. Maybe big changes affect her a lot as she gets older (she's 66).
I tried with B at first, but it didn't work very well (I was moody most of the day), so I switched to A. It did make her sad, as I thought it would, said it's not true, she doesn't prefer one child over another, cried a little and so on (nothing hysterical or extreme, it was a quiet talk), so I think she just can't do much about it and it will probably pass with time. I know mothers have a weakness for their sons, like fathers do for their daughters, but I think it was good I talked to her about it. She also said she's sorry if she did anything wrong and it was unintentional. If there is anything wrong is probably too deep for me to figure it out and it's not on a personal level.
I have a feeling it has to do something with what jns says below, which I've thought of before.
That's the feeling I get. One time my parents and I were discussing something about my brother (he was still away at the time) and she took his side, along the lines of something that belonged to me could go to my brother just because. So my Dad joked about it to me and said "see, again, she takes his side. Why is she so tough on you?" with a laugh, but it was true. So I told my Dad, and defended her, saying "she does that because she has higher expectations for me". Our parents are both concerned about my brother being out of a job and I do think Mom expects me to help him. But it is a change in attitude because Mom never expected too much from us, she's always wanted us just to be happy with whatever we choose and avoid stress when we can.
Oh, no, she hasn't liked any of my past boyfriends that much as to want me to marry them (well, none in my family has). She's always told me to get my own job so I won't depend on a man and not rush to marry. When I got engaged to my ex she argued about it with my Dad, saying he wasn't the right man for me (which he wasn't) and she wasn't happy about it at all, but she didn't try to talk me out of it and I didn't know about the arguments, I found out after I got home and broke up.
That's true. It also bothers me because my parents were fine while they were alone and now they're concerned about us again and don't get to do many things together (they'd go out, shop together etc. now they don't do that anymore).
it's an adjustment for all of you. the best medicine is conversation. acknowledge their added stress. sometimes just knowing the adult child understands it is not easy for the parents and that the adult child knows the parents are making a sacrifice and is grateful helps immensely. understand that your parents were becoming accustom to there new life style and by the sounds of things were enjoying it.
Stressed,
It's nice as you get older not to have so many responsibilities, worries, stress and to finally live your life especially at 66 years of age, you start to worry about how much longer you are here on this Earth
Encourage them to still do some of the things that the were doing, like going out shopping together, talk to your Brother and try to work it so that you both are not home for instance in the times that they would do things together..
That may help a little.
Europeans I think live for their children and fogoe themselves....
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
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