My daughter, the lap-dancer

**Seniora** · 09-26-2011 03:08 PM

I've found out, within the last year, that my daughter does lap-dancing, naked (of course), as well as pole dancing and now she is in a foreign country 'working her charms'. When I asked her about it she said, "I'm in a cabaret show". My husband and I said to ourselves, "Oh yeah.." But I'm absolutely horrified my daughter lives like this and has made poor choices since she broke up with her (lawyer) boyfriend a few years ago. She's gone "feral" and her brothers are equally horrified. Though she has a university degree she seldom works in her field (media) as there are few full time jobs and the ones she had she seemed to lose (probably her attitude, I don't know). Meanwhile, my husband and I have little contact with her because we absolutely disapprove. She will be 30 in 18 months time and has no steady boyfriend. I wonder why? I tried to counsel her some time ago about behaviour around men but it was water off a duck's back. Help me to cope with what is happening with my daughter!!

PS: I've been in the same relationship for 38 years and am Catholic, as are my children. This behaviour of my daughter is out of left field for the entire family!!

**jns** · 09-26-2011 03:47 PM

Somewhere in her past must be clues for this, since it doesn't sound like she has to do this if she was willing to work in her field. What has caused her to give up on working in the media? What were the circumstances of the breakup? What is the deal with her attitude? It may have made her doubt her self worth, so she gets it back by guys ogling over her. Is she into drugs, also? Does she go out with guys for money? I ask these last two questions as they go hand in hand with nude dancing at a club.

Unfortunately, being disapproving will not get her to come back to you. Being disapproving but also open to her by not telling her about it all the time, every time could reopen the communication lines. Then you could be there for her when she is ready to get out. But you can't push her as she will push back.

**jns** · 09-26-2011 03:49 PM

I'm sorry that this is happening to her, you and your family.

**Seniora** · 09-27-2011 11:05 AM

Thanks so much for your advice. I've been forced to vent to my sister, a Psychologist, who has replied, "money is her enemy". Yes, she's hit it on the head - but my daughter has destroyed herself in trying to earn lots of money. Drugs? I certainly hope not and have never seen any evidence for this. She started a romance in High school with a middle class fellow who is now a high-flying lawyer. They (she) broke up after 6 years and then she 'defaulted' straight to 14 year old behaviour. This is a girl who used to blush at the idea a male was interested in her when she was with her long-time boyfriend. I've already grieved over this, so has my husband. Something has died inside of us and this will almost certainly come back to haunt my daughter. But she is hanging out with tarts and looks like one herself. My daughter: university graduate, loved daughter, ex school vice-captain and friend to heaps and heaps of people. I feel powerless, of course, and too upset to talk to her at all. I felt ashamed at my nephew's wedding in 2009 when she turned up looking like a tart: I was looking for a hole to crawl into - totally blonde hair/low cut, short dress. I can't continue talking about this, it's just too upsetting.

**KMonte85** · 09-27-2011 12:24 PM

I'm going to go out on a limb here...

twice you've posted and twice you've mentioned she isn't living her life up to your standards. The occupation, dumping the boyfriend you liked for her, dressing in a way you don't approve of... all of these things have to do with your own perception and disapproval of her life choices. Which is fine. I'm not saying you need to be a-okay with your daughter being a stripper, but this needs to be put into some perspective.

Most likely, she has her own wishes in life, wishes that are not the same as yours or your other family members (hence they're way out in left field). And she has her own viewpoint on whether what she's doing is so wrong...

As long as what she is doing is legal and she is being safe and keeping herself ahead of the game (i.e. staying clean of any illicit and illegal activities) there isn't anything that needs to be done other than your acceptance that your daughter does not seem to want the life that you dreamed for her. That isn't a death sentence. Is she healthy? Is she happy? Is she safe? Is she earning a good, stable income to live independantly? You're acting as though you've lost your daughter completely, mourning her and being upset talking about her occupation. She's still alive and well. There are parents in this world who would do anything to have a child back in their lives, even if they weren't living the life the parent would have chose for them. Do you love your daughter less because of what she's doing?

**ska1331** · 09-27-2011 04:22 PM

Some times we just need to accept our children for who they are. What if she were working in the profession that you aprove of yet was homosexual, or used drugs/ drank to excess? My parents did not approve of my choice in majors, I dropped out and gave up a scholarship. I joined the military, but because I was a minor my family had me kicked out. Both times I was devistated and spent years trying to please them. At 29yrs of age I gave up and rejoined the service. It took years but we have now reconciled and they now accept that its my life I live not theirs. I am married to a woman they don't aprove of, do a job they don't aprove of and live in a state where they can't imagine anyone living by choice, yet I am increadibly happy and they have learned to be happy with that. I have judged my life a success and that's what counts. If she feels that her life is a success and this is what she chooses, just love her. If you and her can just love each other, regardless if you guys agree, things will work out ok.

**Seniora** · 09-28-2011 02:04 AM

Thanks for the comments. ska, you talk about "parental approval". That's quite different to seeing your child as having to 'please' a parent - I don't want that. I think there is no such thing as 'unconditional love' and my husband and I have discussed this many times. When a son or daughter shows no self-respect and/or irresponsible, reckless behaviours, as parents we can 'reject' this and retreat. But being a parent means one automatically 'loves' the child but does not OWN or LOVE the child's behaviours. There is a distinct difference here. The idea of 'unconditional love' also removes the onus of personal responsibility from the child - I have no interest in this at all. My daughter needs to find some self-respect from within, not fall back on our love as it's some kind of 'ok, we love you and it's ok" reward. It's not "OK" and we are trying to 'tell' her this by our silence. She needs to find within herself that which will bring her back into the fold, not be cushioned from reality by phoney responses from her parents, which merely dignify the behaviours.

I'm only asking why she has gone down this path of poor self-image and lack of self-respect to begin with! She started off with such golden chances...!! Poor choices compound each other and to look back to parents for that smiling, unconditional love/approval is a cop-out. We must love ourselves first, before we can EXPECT others to do so.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-28-2011 03:05 AM

Seniora hi..

I am really sorry that you feel this way, and that you do not believe in un-conditional love. I understand we are all different and there is nothing wrong with that.

I believe a child is born. The parents do the best they can to guide them, to what "they believe" may be a good road for them to travel and then one day, the child grows up, she/he takes what he/she finds as something he/she believes in and the things he/she doesn't is disregarded...And, from there they live their "own" life, because ultimately it is their own life, we do not own anyone.

I feel if a child feels her parents feel she had "golden chances", and probably were so happy she was with a Lawyer for years and that relationship fell, (sometimes a child does what she / he feels the parents to want), and lawyers are known, for being players, up-them-selves because they get away with so much in the Courts as they win, I should know I spent years with them in business... They can break a girl, make her feel like she is nothing...And, so.....she had a taste of what may have been financially at least, but not as love goes, doesn't believe in it anymore, after all her parents don't believe in un-conditional love, so why should she? And, so she sees an opportunity, she is a free spirit, she is trying to find herself, her identity, doesn't mind her body, is proud of it, in - other - words do you really know what is in her mind?

It is dangerous to go abroad and do this, in my days as a waitress, I was asked to do this, as a "hostess" those that did, alot we do not know where they are today...

But, she may be running, hiding from being judged, expectations that she can not fill, that she tried to fill.

You have to view the bigger picture, not just OMG my daughter has no respect, she is doing this, that.

I talked to my Mother a couple of years ago sexually, she had a heart attack almost, not something she would consider, had ever considered... But, that's the way they were bought up... We were bought up to be more understanding of sexual needs of both partners, does that make us more ........... or open minded.

If a woman takes her clothes of but does not play the field, goes home, every night, reads, sleeps and starts again the next day, dreaming of saving having money to buy property, find herself in life, does that make her...............

It hurts I understand that and I don't expect for you to agree with me, don't get me wrong..

For a woman to express, dance, feel okay with her body, is not a bad thing it is if she does other things, takes it further that it is perhaps not the best thing.

Look deeper, into how she felt after her "lawyer boyfriend" break-up together with the knowledge in knowing how her parents view morals, respect, and how she views them, are we all the same just because we are family? NO.

There is something in there that could allow you to get closer to your daughter and accept her for her...

There really is.

**Seniora** · 09-28-2011 03:57 AM

Thanks CW! I'm a lot older than you are, and not brought up with a generational expectation of "unconditional love". No, this is something DOGS DO!! Sorry to be so blunt. I know friends who love their children unconditionally and they are broken human beings!! I'm worried also about what you said about doing this kind of work overseas. She's in Japan, for Christ's sake, with 2 others in an apartment. They are part of a "cabaret" (oh, yeah) which starts at 8pm every night and involves some kind of "show". Like I said, I don't want to know about this.

The boyfriend was from high school, so not experienced enough to be the way you suggest lawyers are. He came from a good family but was a workaholic and my daughter was looking down the barrel of that. Plus, he was mean with money and wouldn't share. I was ready to tell her she needed to rethink the relationship and, wham, she ended it herself. I worry about what the future holds for her, really I do. But taking your clothes off does not mean you respect your body, simply that you'll probably do anything for a buck!! CW: take off those rose-coloured glasses!! Cheers.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-28-2011 03:11 PM

Seniora,

The heart of the problem of anyone taking their clothes of for "money" is,

"no one knows me, I won't do it for long, it will set me up, I am okay with my body, I am not ashamed I was born naked"....

"I am rebelious, I am supposed to be like this, and that, but to heck with it, it's my life"

"I am nothing anyway, my family think that way, who cares"

The point I was making is, ignoring will not find the route as to why she is doing it, yet, in finding that out, maybe, just maybe, if you can forget your generation, you may find your daughter "needs" something of you that she hasn't had, or so badly wants such as un-conditional love...

Yes, I am from a different generation...

Exotic dancing fully clothed, miming songs, wearing costumes that are appealing, not tarty, down to at the end, walla, clothes gone, walk of stage, get dressed does not make a person feel with morals, bad... Stripping, if you think it's tarty and walking out with bikinis and a feather bower, can make you feel that way, but the thing is, you don't know which one she is doing, I suggest the first one.

And, the point I am trying to make is we have the child, but once they become Adults we do not own them, we can only wish them success and hope they do all the things we bought them up with, in guidance, but if not, is it not their choice?

I know we are on different levels here, but I find it sad that a daughter is ignored by her parents, at 30, and I worry about the way you think about her, names you would call her in your head, things DOGS DO... Yet sometimes it's a means of all the quotes I wrote above and that is what needs to be addressed, not what but why...

I don't wear rose coloured glasses...

I think you are viewing this wrong, you see "stripper" and you see "tart" you see men looking at a body, in lust, but you don't see why she chose to, or how she does it, whether with class, or what she does outside of this, that makes a whole person not one act.

We don't have to agree, I just feel you need to reach out more in understanding and discussions and not fear her decisions rather accept her for who she is, and understand why she has chosen this, maybe she needs you, maybe she is doing it to rebel, as per my quote and maybe you could get closer to this, instead of viewing her , as a DOG.

The word Love is powerful and we all need it in life, even you .... don't judge her......talk to her......