Help!! My Sister in Law is pushing me out of family.

**blueyedkitti** · 10-09-2011 11:54 AM

This is quite a difficult problem for me, because it involves my son as well. So let me explain. I married my husband 12 years ago and I had a son from a previous marriage. My husband accepted my son as his almost instantly and we never said anything different. From the beginning my sis in law has made it an issue to her dad that he (my son) is not "blood" My husband always sticks up and tells his sister when she's being inappropriate, but then she brings their dad in and things get ugly. Needless to say I am usually blamed for doing something wrong. So now I will go to the last incident which has been the one that hurt the most.

I am not sure what I have done, because she will tell my husband, which he barely listens to her, so I get a message back that says I did something on Facebook to her. Having a couple of my friends and I look thru Facebook to see what it is I put on there, we only come up with one thing. I "liked" a page the stated Curvy girls are better than Skinny girls. Ok I am a "curvy" gal and it is to me like saying bruenettes are better than blondes. So after my husband told me this I put an apology on Facebook to anyone that I may of offended by liking that page. Apparently that made her even more pissed off. Later in the year my father in law was in the hospital and she was really cold to me. I tried to apologize again and said it was just a silly like and I didn't mean to hurt her by this. Well she doesn't get over anything I mean she still doesn't talk to her mom because of who knows what that happened over 20 years ago. Anyway, she yelled at me for making a phone call to inform other family members and I bit my tongue. I didn't feel it was the time or place. She was not speaking to my and after we returned home months later was still not talking, so I removed her off of Facebook. Tell me if I was wrong, but she wasn't being a friend and I didn't want her to be upset by anything I did on there. Well, my 20 year old son got so tired of everything and wrote an email to her to say how he felt. This apparently was it for her as she had her husband and her daughter write notes to my husband stating that "they will have contact with him, but(your wife and her son) no more". That hurt!! Mostly for our son, who has never felt like part of that side of the family. Anyway I don't want to keep going , because it could, but I really, really need some advice as what to do next. Oh also my father in law called and told me to quit with all the drama! Really? As my friend said, drama is a 53 year old woman going to daddy to tell someone to stop. PLEASE HELP!!!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-09-2011 01:38 PM

I suspect your father-in-law, is well aware of her actions... I gather, she is skinny, 53 and you don't mention her kids or husband so single and has been most of her life?

Some parents favour, perhaps her Mother favoured your husband, perhaps she felt the outcast and so, is an attention seeker and there is nothing you can do, when your son entered, perhaps she felt that her Father, was going to lavish love onto him, an 8 year old boy, and therefore, his Mother and so she played the card of "blood" and has ever since.

I can imagine it has peeved you off as well as hurting you... I would tick that box in spite if someone hurt me over and over, more so my son. Her Father, I suspect will always stand up for her, she may remind him of his wife, he may feel that she was neglected somewhat in comparisement and he may feel that he should always protect her, "his daughter"..

The difficulty lies in the time 12 years. In-secure women whom have no one to love but understand "blood" they have to love right? They are family, that's all she's got, will move heaven and earth to ensure that "all she has got" is still there. Note how she will speak to her brother, just not you or your son...

I believe your son's action of writing should have been for himself, a journal...The only way to communicate is from the heart, one on one, without fighting...

I think removing someone off of facebook when you are "family" says you are dead to me, that cuts, so yes I think you were wrong, she doesn't have to be a friend, she is family

Just not the family you hoped for.

If you look deep down inside, I bet she leads a lonely existance.

Somehow, you all do have to "stop" all of this and accept each other, for who you all are.

As I said 12 years makes it hard.

If she had felt like an "Aunty" there would have been one more person for her to love...

If she had felt like a "Sister" there would have been another sister to love.

Why not tell her that, "I wish those 12 years were different, I wish you had a bond with your nephew, yes, your nephew and me, your sister, yes, your sister..It's never too late, it's time we got to really know each other, have outings together, coffee, and really, honestly get to know each other" ... She feared, I think that you would take away, the only other love she had left, bar her Father, her brother....and couldn't let that go...

If you see inside someone, you see the truth.

CW

**blueyedkitti** · 10-09-2011 02:10 PM

I haven't put everything that has been happening here as I would possibly bore you all. My SIL has 2 beautiful daughters and and great husband. I have gone out of my way for years to try to get along. I have been told by other family members that things have to go her way or she will just go off. I have been the one to send all the cards and gifts and keep them up on how this side of the family is doing. We have always had to be the ones to visit as nobody comes here to visit and we have room. Yes my SIL is very close to her dad, but that is sad that she involves him in these problems. He will be 81 very soon and I have already said I have no problems at all being in the same room with her, but she wont attend if I am there. Yes, I was probably wrong taking her off my Facebook, but I didn't want to second guess everything I did on there, because it might offend her. I didn't agree that my son sent the email to her telling her how he felt. I can't really stop a 20 year old when he felt so strongly about the things going on. After that is when my BIL sent the letter, along with a letter from my Niece and a returned card, because I addressed it. In that letter it was stated that they will keep in touch with my husband, but your wife and her son, we don't have anything to do with. That was the very first email that my son sent to her and she is going to cut him off? Now I get calls from my Father in law stating that I need to fix this. WHAT, I'm not the one that cut them out of my life. What do I do? I'm so tired of crying over this

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-09-2011 02:25 PM

Mmm, well it still seems she is needy, and wants all the attention on her, there has to be a reason for this, from the past but it's not your fault or problem.

What did the email say to her from your son?

Your FIL just wants to die knowing everything is sorted...I believe... People that are old, worry and want to pass this Earth knowing everyone is okay...

I would have suggested, otherwise, that your Husband tells his sister, you don't love my "whole" family, then don't contact me.

It also sounds like you are dealing with this alone? You have to fix it... What does your husband say about it all?

I feel I need to ask more questions you won't bore us but there is something there... You made all the moves, she never did.

Do you get on with your nieces? Her Husband?

**blueyedkitti** · 10-09-2011 03:38 PM

I do believe that my FIL just want peace in the family, which I am all for. I did get along with my Nieces well, but they were always looking to Mom for approval. When we were alone things were well.

The email from my son basically said that he is tired of all the drama and would like to be a family I only have my mother left on my side and his (real dad), didn't want contact with him. So when I met my husband he was thrilled to have a family. He told her that he never felt as though she cared for him as a nephew and always wanted that, but because, he was not a blood relative he never had a chance. He also stated that everything has always got to go her way and the minute someone doubts her or has a different opinion then they are on her black list. He said he wants to hear back from her so the two of them can work out their relationship, because there is nothing there now. He said I will be either hearing from you or it will come back through the rest of the family as usual.

If my Niece wrote that to me I would have been on the phone, but she just cuts us off. It hurts so very much, especially for my son.

I am dealing with this alone, my husband hates confrontation so his way of dealing with it is to just not talk to them right now. He has also said that he doesn't want to be like them so he will still send them cards for their birthdays and such. Am I wrong for being hurt by this or should I just say nothing?

As far as getting along with my Nieces and my BIL, that has all stopped, because what she says goes.

Thank you for listening as I am having a very hard time right now.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-09-2011 04:55 PM

I think, that honestly? Your husband and your son are the most important as is you..

This person is obviously tearing you up...Do you think that is what she wants? I do

So, don't allow her to.

You married your husband, he loves you, you have a son, he loves him...

Sit your son down and say, "you tried" don't let it bother you anymore, just get on with your life and love those that love you back, we can not change people.

And, take the same advise.

Just do not listen to it anymore, stay away as she desires, make her wonder if she is knocking you about still, because you aint listening and you are happy with your life, that will kill her more than anything, if she realises that to save the rifts from occuring, she is simply non existant, as you have done nothing wrong and have spent 12 years of this carp....no more.

**blueyedkitti** · 10-09-2011 06:19 PM

Thank you! I will take your advice and love my husband and son and try really hard to just stay out of her life.

**BabyGirl** · 10-09-2011 07:17 PM

The Old saying
" You can Choose your Friends But can't Choose your Family " Comes to mind.

Except in your case Your " family " Meaning Hubby, Chose you & his ( Your ) Son, to be His Family.

So this is what I would Do.

Stop apologizing, Let it rest. Either she Grows up and wants to put it all in the past or she wants to gnaw on it like a old bone.

Living well is the best " revenge " so they say. So just go on with your life, strive to be happy, but also don't be someones " Chew Toy ".

With FIL and BIL and nieces and nephews, just be You, but be Mature and do not get " Involved " in any She said/He Said/ They said.

Explain firmly and nicely, that you do not involve yourself in the " Trauma and Drama", your goal is to be happy with your Family. Those who wish to share that with you are welcome to and those who do not wish to share happiness with Your Family ( meaning , You , Hubby & Son ). They can just live their own lives, as they are not Forced to share yours.

Hubby needs to take the Same Stand, Son needs to also. Tell them Both, you are proud they stood up for your family, but it's time to let Old Dogs Lie and chew on their old bones.

And Remember ...

Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up. You and Hubby and Son, Can start planning a " Family " Season. That will not have the Trauma and Drama in it. So if you are still not getting along, By Halloween, just be ready to tell them, your Family is planning a Peaceful, Loving Holiday Season and may not be attending functions that there may be disagreements or distention.

Maybe that will help ?

**blueyedkitti** · 10-09-2011 07:26 PM

Babygirl, that was very well put and has a lot of truth to it. We were already planning a small family season, just the three of us so there aren't any other issues getting in our way to enjoy the holidays. Thank you I'm already feeling better, so thank you.