Family And Money?

**DSemcho** · 10-19-2011 01:45 PM

My mom is experiencing some financial difficulties, and has even gone as far as to tell me her and my dad didn't eat some nights. She didn't mention the not eating part until she found out I got a check for quite a bit of money from my school (a little over 2k). I'm planning on using most of the money to pay off some of my debt, but she asked me to loan her $300 because my dad isn't getting unemployment anymore and her checks aren't enough to cover the bills. Normally I'd be fine with loaning her the money, but she's always had this problem of borrowing money from me (or my ex) and not paying it back. For instance, when I was in high school she wiped my bank account out that had $200 in , which I had earned while working at 16. Then after my grandma died she convinced me to let her sell the car I inherited to save the house, haven't seen a dime of the $800 from that. And then she got my ex to co-sign a loan for almost 2k and never made a payment, which screwed us... I want to help her because she's my mom, but I'm not feeling okay about it. I talked to my hubby, and he told me it's not a good idea but it's my choice. I told him I'd be fine loaning it to my dad because he'd make sure I got paid back, and I told my dad this but he won't ask. I'm not sure what to do, and I feel horrible, but I don't know what to do. I want to loan her the money because I care about her well being, but at the same time there are trust issues concerning money. Anytime she's borrowed money, and then later bought something for me (like a soda) she's said "Oh this is going toward the money I owe you".

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-19-2011 02:04 PM

This is difficult.

Your Mum is using "emotional blackmail" of sorts by telling you they are not eating...

I gather though that they really do need the money to survive and are not using it on other things? And, if so, I would call it a gift where she calls it a loan...

We as kids had money spent on us throughout our lives, on clothes, food, shelter... Un-fortunately, we can not help if we were born into a family that struggled for what ever reason.

I know it sucks having money and then losing it to something else that isn't in your benefit...But, as a child, if this is the case, they are struggling, you just do because they did for you..

How about this. "Hey Mom, no you can't loan $300 from us, I'm giving it to you"...

Life is about giving without expecting back to those that need it.

Having said that, they are Adults and have to find ways in which to survive and not rely on their children.

I suggest that you always play poor in future so this doesn't have to occur again but also check that they are eating and if not and if you can afford $20, Buy a few groceries or have them over more for dinner from time to time.

It is hard, but it's life.

**KMonte85** · 10-19-2011 02:05 PM

I don't think you should do it. There is a pattern here of her taking money from you and never paying it back. If giving her that money will an any way set you back from making payments on something or living comfortably, then it is better kept in your own pocket. Of course, I am a bit biased this way.. I have a strict personal policy that I will not loan money to friends, significant others, or relatives... it complicates relationships more than it ever helps them.

The only way I see giving your mom the cash without any backlash is 1) you and your husband don't need it, and 2) you 100% accept that the money you're shelling out is a gift and will not be paid back ever.

She's already deeply indebted to you from many years worth of loans that she hasn't paid back. This time will be no different. I understand she's your mother, and you feel responsible for helping her. I would have the same reaction to my own mother. But not loaning her any more money doesn't make you a bad daughter. You've got your own life now, you've got your husband and your own household to worry about. Throwing money at her poor financial decisions doesn't seem to help either, otherwise she wouldn't have needed to ask you to bail her out several times.

Ultimately, it is up to you... but you've got trust issues from her taking money from you in the past, so I don't see how giving her money now would help anything, other than she will be appeased for the time being (until she needs you to bail her out again).

**rosekitten** · 10-19-2011 02:31 PM

If you want to help, and it won't put a burden on you to do so, why not take her grocery shopping? I also have a policy of not loaning money out, because it rarely works out. Now, I have gifted and been repaid, but it wasn't expected of them. It seems to me though, that if this is a trend, then helping her by giving her money won't actually be helping her. Have her look at angel food ministries for inexpensive food. It isn't the best food I've ever eaten, but I'm also spoiled from the local farmers market and having grown up raising/growing most of my own food. However, it isn't bad food, either, and is most definitely better than nothing.

**LanaBear** · 10-19-2011 04:07 PM

Even though it is your mom, I wouldn't be loaning the money especially based off the history.

I have a firm, I will not loan money out to anybody. As rose says above, find some way to get her groceries if you want to do that. I remember that you are stationed overseas, so you are probably not in her area. Get her a gift certificate to a local grocery store or something if you want.

**DSemcho** · 10-19-2011 11:32 PM

There is no them coming over for dinner or me taking them grocery shopping. I'm in Turkey and they are in Illinois.... So it's a bit more complicated than that.

**DSemcho** · 10-19-2011 11:35 PM

And I can't buy gift certificates here. An lot of places won't let us buy stuff because we live in Turkey.

**Little** · 10-20-2011 09:30 AM

I agree with others - don't lend that money.

If you can coordinate with a friend to wire somebody else the money, and then have them buy a gift certificate for a grocery store to mail to your parents, that would be a solution, but do not expect that money back, and if you don't want to send them all of $300, don't! For a 2-person family, $300 would buy an awful lot of groceries.

**DSemcho** · 10-20-2011 10:48 AM

Well where they live we have no friends. It's not where we're from. My mom moved there to be by my little sister and my niece, whom is now living with them because she left her baby daddy.

**Little** · 10-20-2011 11:08 AM

Your friend wouldn't have to live close to them; just wire your friend the money, have them buy the gift certificate with it, and then mail to your parents. Of course, that would be more difficult if there are no similar grocery chains in the two areas.