Oldest daughter and idiot son in law

**treasures4u1** · 10-20-2011 05:12 AM

My daughter is 28 and has 1 son from previous marriage and 2 daughters from this marriage. My issue is with both of them. They live in a house for rent that is way beyond their means. My son in law works for a man that treats him like and only works him maybe 3-4 days a week. So, my SIL works on appliances on the side. The problem is...he will not even look for a full time job that has benefits (heath). He smokes pot, he cusses worse than a sailor and he does this in front of all the kids and so does his friends. He has a whole body of tattoos and he has a porno addiction to the point that he spent ALL their bill money on adult bars.
Now my daughter was and I believe still is a person of respect and God believer. She never used to be the way she is now. Growing up she was considered a genius, had a great music ability (singing and playing different instruments). She was always OCD about cleaning and she was a great kid. Now, she keeps a dirty house, has many tattoos like him but she doesn't smoke pot or cuss like he does. I have been on her case for awhile about this and she just doesn't listen.
So, I decided I would keep my mouth shut because I wasn't going to change it. Then the BIG thing happened.....
I received a call from DCF and they wanted to interview me about my SIL because my grandson told his teacher that his dad hit him in the head with a metal box. I was just beside myself!!!!
I called my daughter and asked her if it was true and she said yes that my SIL got angry with my grandson because he wanted more water in his oatmeal and it made my SIL mad so he yelled at him and threw a metal box at his head. Well, I received custody of my grandson for about 6 months and DCF gave him back to my daughter and SIL (stating that they found it to be an isolated incident). I went over there and told both of them that if anything happens to ANY of those kids, I will take them away from them. I meant it! I don't even know how DCF gave him back. It blows my mind. So, I have told my grandson that if he ever needed me for anything to call and I will come get him. He then told me that his dad is always angry with him but not the girls (they are my SIL's kids, he isn't).
Anyway, this has turned into a terrible disconnection between my daughter and I. She is even calling other family members and telling them that I am INSANE and going crazy! This has all hurt me so badly that I had a heart attack. She is so brain washed by this guy and I just can't believe that she is staying with him. I finally told her that I can't control what her or my SIL does anymore but I will do everything in my power to get control for those kids. So, now I am not invited to go over there anymore but I can still get the kids for visits but we have to meet at a store or something and it was made clear to me by my daughter that I am NOT to talk to the kids about their dad. I told her that it will be my decision if I do that or not and she said I can't get them then unless I tell her I won't talk about their dad.
I feel like I am living in a nightmare. Even her brother and sister are not speaking with her. How do I handle this? I am devastated about my daughters decisions and I realize I can't control her. But, what do I do for those kids? Also, the bad part is my SIL's parents live by them and agree with them and that is no surprise because they are just like him. I know where he gets it from. He clearly has a anger problem. I think he could be a loving father if he could get his anger under control and I know my daughter is scared of him and I think he may be abusing her too at least verbally and mentally, not sure about physically. Someone please help me with this! This is killing me.
Thanks

**Little** · 10-20-2011 09:19 AM

It's sad, but the only thing you can do is keep watching for other signs of abuse.
What does your daughter mean by, you can't talk to the kids about their dad? If she means you can't bad-mouth him, she's absolutely right - you shouldn't do that at all. He is the girls' father, after all, and hearing you talk about how awful their father is will not help their esteem or family relationship. If she means that you can't ask them how their dad is treating them, you could certainly get around that by asking if anyone in their life is being mean/cruel/violent towards them - THEY can bring up their dad if it's necessary, keeping you from being anybody's scapegoat.
You should be glad that your daughter allows you to have a relationship with your grandchildren. She doesn't have to; unless you petition for visitation or continued custody, you have no rights to the child. I certainly would not allow somebody who wants to take my children away to have a continued relationship with them, and perhaps that is harsh, but if a court doesn't find a parent unfit, they've won the right to be with their child! You should take your continued relationship with the children as a blessing, use it to keep your eyes open for further signs of abuse or violence, and back off your daughter.
Also, is there any reason your daughter can't seek full time work with health benefits as well? You don't mention anything about her working, as though it is all your son-in-law's responsibility to bring home money. It sounds like the children are old enough to be in school (though I could be wrong on that; daycare for 3 kids would be prohibitively high.) She has to take responsibility for her life, and no amount of nagging her or her husband is going to do it.

**treasures4u1** · 10-20-2011 10:53 AM

I thank you for your advice. But, I would never ever talk to the children badly about there dad. I would do and have done what you said to do. As far as my daughter working, she can't. Preschool for 3 kids would take her whole check. Also, just because DCF gave the kids back doesn't mean it was right and I do believe I have EVERY right to those children if I feel they are being mistreated.
I would do it in a second. I have stopped complaining to her a while back. But, I am over there almost every day and he still is abusive. It really is hard to keep from wanting to change it when you see it everyday. So, yes, I will continue to tell her that if it doesn't stop, I will take action. As far as her not letting me see the kids because of that? I would also get a lawyer and file for Grandparents rights for visitation. They would be better off, believe me.
This is a man that committed a hit and run in an accident...and various other things.
Like I said, I can't do anything about what my daughter does, but I sure as can do something about the kids!
I apologize if I sound angry but your remark that they are not my kids and I can't do anything really hit hard. I'm surprised. Really!
So, I guess I do not need any advice after all. TYVM for yours.

**Little** · 10-20-2011 11:07 AM

It's true that you have no rights to the child unless you petition for them. So, I don't see how what I said was incorrect or should anger you. If you think there is abuse (obviously you are seeing daily evidence of it,) then you should be blowing up the DCF's phone lines about it. And petitioning for custody, which I understood from your first post that you weren't - just like the age of the children, I could be wrong about that too, and you could be petitioning for custody right now! But you didn't mention it, so I couldn't know.

**BabyGirl** · 10-20-2011 07:15 PM

I do not believe Little was being Critical of you personally. I'm sure she was stating her opinion or even possibly past experiences. Her advise is usually taken well around here and she is kind and sensitive.

You came here for advise and you will get it from many different people here, with different views and ages. Please try not to just latch on to any one particular persons comment or View and maybe give others a chance to post.

You may find some that will say the same thing, others that will agree with part of someones advice and others will just totally have an other opinion or Experience all together .

I have been here almost 18 months and I will tell you,when I first posted my story, I felt that I got some very Harsh Advice or Opinions and I almost left and never came back.

But..
I took the time to re-read not only my posts but the responses and answer questions and then read their new replies and found out that I had not explained the whole thing in a way that they could really give Advice on. even if I did not like their advice or opinion, I still " listened " .

But I also found those that had been in my place or been in the opposite place I was in and I have found that when I gathered all of the Opinions together. It was easier for me to make my own Decisions or at least try to make progress in my life.

You can Search a thread here on WH called ( I Think ) " I'm a Part Time Mistress " and see how I may have felt someone was unfair or Judging, but I also found loving and caring women and men on here, perfect strangers that were trying to help me help myself .

I am here almost 18 months later, Don't claim to know much, not a Psychologist, nor Dr. But I will try to help you with my experiences. But please understand I may seem to be harsh or upfront, look in the mirror, and sometimes I just try to have people have that Wake up Call..

As I must admit that has happened to me on here . Which I feel has made me a better person.

So please give people here on WH the chance to try and help you. Even if you don't like things said. At least keep an open mind and open heart . Everyone here is here to help.

**BabyGirl** · 10-21-2011 11:18 PM

Ok,
Glad that is understood.

So since many many people have viewed this thread, any people have opinions to help this worried Grandmother/ Mother/ Mother in law.

I will start.
So in your first paragraph, albeit a bit in the middle of it . And Not "Quoting Verbatim "

My son in law works for a man that treats him like ( assuming a Blanked word ) and only works him maybe 3-4 days a week. So, my SIL works on appliances on the side.

With this ...

I would bring up the fact that you Know he's being treated like Doggie poops, and most likely is talented in Something ? Otherwise you would not mention His Boss treats him badly and he tries at least to do side jobs .

Again not all verbatim but quoting most of it so parts can be addressed and deciphered

The problem is...he will not even look for a full time job that has benefits (heath). He smokes pot, he cusses worse than a sailor and he does this in front of all the kids and so does his friends. He has a whole body of tattoos

If you have time, read the Girl Talk forum and see the WORK PLACE one. I Complain allot on the fact that we ( my Company ) needs talented, trained Experienced Workers.

Wherin .. I complain about the fact that People, Men women & barely Legal adults, need to realize that what they do, how they look, Presentation to Public wise, Makes a Job or not !

So in my experience, your SIL probably cannot get a Job, that will hire him Full Time with benefits like Medical, Dental. Most likely due to if even ( Wrongly ) his appearance, or even any criminal record he may have..

he has a porno addiction to the point that he spent ALL their bill money on adult bars.

I'm not sure where this fits in ?

I'm sure it would not be on any Job Application, but may be of interest to your DCF ?
I'm thinking that is similar to our CPS, which is Child Protection Service. Please correct me if I am incorrect here.

About your/the DCF, They should be Professional and trained to follow certain criteria.
Complaints, reports and Investigations are and will always have to go thru certain steps in order to be Validated.

Also, just because DCF gave the kids back doesn't mean it was right and I do believe I have EVERY right to those children if I feel they are being mistreated.

Multiple calls / complaints from 3 separate, knowledgeable people, of abuse or neglectful behavior will warrant an investigation process.
Of course this is in Washington State. And we can do the Same for a Dog that is tied up all day and barking.

So you are in this on your Own. Unless you can Document Abuse by your Daughter or her Husband.

You may only show the Love that you have, for the children. YOUR Children. then they will Show the Love for Their Children .

And trying to Butt in or Re train the new ones , Is never going to Help you .
Love ...
Any of them any Less ..

**jns** · 10-22-2011 08:42 AM

Originally Posted by treasures4u1

My daughter is 28 and has 1 son from previous marriage and 2 daughters from this marriage. My issue is with both of them. They live in a house for rent that is way beyond their means. My son in law works for a man that treats him like and only works him maybe 3-4 days a week. So, my SIL works on appliances on the side. The problem is...he will not even look for a full time job that has benefits (heath). He smokes pot, he cusses worse than a sailor and he does this in front of all the kids and so does his friends. He has a whole body of tattoos and he has a porno addiction to the point that he spent ALL their bill money on adult bars.
Now my daughter was and I believe still is a person of respect and God believer. She never used to be the way she is now. Growing up she was considered a genius, had a great music ability (singing and playing different instruments). She was always OCD about cleaning and she was a great kid. Now, she keeps a dirty house, has many tattoos like him but she doesn't smoke pot or cuss like he does. I have been on her case for awhile about this and she just doesn't listen.
So, I decided I would keep my mouth shut because I wasn't going to change it. Then the BIG thing happened.....
I received a call from DCF and they wanted to interview me about my SIL because my grandson told his teacher that his dad hit him in the head with a metal box. I was just beside myself!!!!
I called my daughter and asked her if it was true and she said yes that my SIL got angry with my grandson because he wanted more water in his oatmeal and it made my SIL mad so he yelled at him and threw a metal box at his head. Well, I received custody of my grandson for about 6 months and DCF gave him back to my daughter and SIL (stating that they found it to be an isolated incident). I went over there and told both of them that if anything happens to ANY of those kids, I will take them away from them. I meant it! I don't even know how DCF gave him back. It blows my mind. So, I have told my grandson that if he ever needed me for anything to call and I will come get him. He then told me that his dad is always angry with him but not the girls (they are my SIL's kids, he isn't).
Anyway, this has turned into a terrible disconnection between my daughter and I. She is even calling other family members and telling them that I am INSANE and going crazy! This has all hurt me so badly that I had a heart attack. She is so brain washed by this guy and I just can't believe that she is staying with him. I finally told her that I can't control what her or my SIL does anymore but I will do everything in my power to get control for those kids. So, now I am not invited to go over there anymore but I can still get the kids for visits but we have to meet at a store or something and it was made clear to me by my daughter that I am NOT to talk to the kids about their dad. I told her that it will be my decision if I do that or not and she said I can't get them then unless I tell her I won't talk about their dad.
I feel like I am living in a nightmare. Even her brother and sister are not speaking with her. How do I handle this? I am devastated about my daughters decisions and I realize I can't control her. But, what do I do for those kids? Also, the bad part is my SIL's parents live by them and agree with them and that is no surprise because they are just like him. I know where he gets it from. He clearly has a anger problem. I think he could be a loving father if he could get his anger under control and I know my daughter is scared of him and I think he may be abusing her too at least verbally and mentally, not sure about physically. Someone please help me with this! This is killing me.
Thanks

You make it very well know that you intensely dislike your SIL and disapprove of your daughter's choices. But you have made no case for ongoing physical abuse of your grandchildren. DCF is not going to take your side unless you can bring up credible evidence that continuing abuse is occurring. By continuing this hostility, you cannot get close enough to document anything. There is a carrot approach and a stick approach to getting a donkey to move. The donkey will move to get a carrot, but will many times stubbornly refuse to move if beaten with a stick. It seems as if you are trying all stick. This will just cause stubbornness and no change. Maybe you should try a carrot approach or at least in combination.