Mental Abuse

**awi** · 11-09-2011 09:16 AM

Hi, I really need an advice....

Me and my mom not in the best relationship
Last night my mom asking to do some errands for her, and i forgot... She's really furious with me... Starting yelling negative things like "useless", "raising you is wasting my time", "what my friends/ familys say is true why do i waste my time on you", "even when i still healthy you don't want help me, just wait until i die. The more fast i die the better!"
It's not the first time she said things like that, but for this few months it's become more intense. Not to mention i'm depressed add with the low confidence makes me always asking.. "what value do i have?"

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-09-2011 09:29 AM

Hi Awi! How old are you? Do you have the option of moving out ? It sounds like you both would do much better not living together. Is your mom ill?

The answer is, you have much value. Words that come from someones mouth do not change your value. The fact that you're asking yourself "what value do I have?" just means you haven't found it yet, but it's there. You have tremendous value.

What kind of things are you good at? What do you enjoy the most?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-09-2011 01:28 PM

It sounds as if your Mother wishes she was young again, is tired of being ill and seeks attention from everyone...I'm betting that she is the one that makes a statement to family and friends and as a result they just agree with her, stops her from whining

It's your Mum that has the problem, she's more depressed don't let her bring you down to where she is at, that would make her feel good, same level...

Look yourself in the mirror and say it's Mum, not me, I am beautiful words won't bring me down.

**rosekitten** · 11-09-2011 02:05 PM

What did she ask you to do? What did you do instead? If your mother is ill, you should be going out of your way to help her, especially if you're living under her roof. What is it that you contribute to the home? Food, money, chores, etc. This doesn't mean you're worthless, but sometimes when we need to depend on others, and we can't, it can be very frustrating. If she's sick and dying, and can't even get her kids to help her, how do you think that makes her feel?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-09-2011 02:53 PM

Good point Rosekitten.....

Depression can make someone sit about, do nothing, as they feel they are nothing....

Maybe there is more to this story that should be delivered to get a better idea of the whole situation, including why you feel depressed OP?

**rosekitten** · 11-09-2011 03:26 PM

That's what I was trying to get at, CW.

We don't have the full story, so it's really hard to give proper advice/support/sympathy. Even when my close friends come to me with "so and so said/did x" I always ask them what the rest of the story is, leading up to that point, and including their own actions/words.

**awi** · 11-10-2011 07:38 AM

rosekitten: yeah.. full story... i'll try

No, my mom not sick she's healthy... rather that's her habit to lashing out if things doesn't goes her way.
She's a widow for 10 years and i know it's hard for her to taking care my father when he still alive (my father bedridden for 8 years). We always clash coz disagreement, the more she lashing out to me the more i do the opposite (Thankfully i'm not smoking, drinking, or drugs). My action is like never stay in one room with her for long (this already toned down for 5 years). The more she negative with me, the more i reacted badly. But i already thinking a lot... i just destroying myself, i'm not saving money, little communication with friends, in fact to this age 26 i haven't dating, and i'm a loner person.

CHANDLERS WISH: maybe you right... she's depressed too. Maybe she's upset with me, but discussion with her is impossible. She's a old way parents "just do as we said no objection no excuse", her lashing so bad it's hurt me too (which children not sad if their parents say things like that?). I can accept she angry at me if i make a mistake, what i can't accept is her words (example in my first post). She's complain a lot why i never want to stay with her too long & speak things with her, my thoughts is "Yeah... like we will talk calmly & positively rather she will always mention my mistakes, crushing my confidence with a high tone too sometimes ending with yelling at each other."

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-10-2011 01:51 PM

Awi, just reading your reply, I saw 10 years ago you were 16. 8 years before that, 8, so from 8 - 16 your Mother was pre-occupied, hardly there for you, you had no family life, no fun adventures, basically left alone for the most part right? You felt alone, you feel still alone..

You are 26, you have a chance to change things now...Start saving, start talking more with your friends, both will give you a new direction and confidence and start living your life, your own...

Your Mother? She spent all those years as well not having a life, I bet she is depressed, I bet what she misses the most is connection, laughter, love and a hug...

She probably also holds guilt inside of her, for the times that she didn't get to spend with you as a child, this is her way of coping.

Again, you are 26, you can make a life for yourself, leave the nest and work on an Adult relationship with your Mother and be there for each other, maybe it's time.